Monday, April 30, 2012

I'm a JEANius!

OMG Tomorrow is the final weigh-in for Round One. *chews fingernails*
I'm feeling pretty confident that I have lost this week.
Final weigh in also means I have to take the AFTER photos. One set of me in my Reg Grundys that I send off to Mish and the more PC version that i will post on here.
In other very exciting news...
I've dragged out of hibernation my winter woolies. I LOVE winter! I love knitted cardies, trousers, berets & most of all my Pendleton 49er Jackets SWOON.
I cannot WAIT to wear my black & grey Heyday 1940s highwaisted trousers! I just have to get them hemmed due to the fact that I have The Tiny Legs.
Anyways..... I pulled out my jeans. I have two 'good' pairs of jeans. I pair I bought from Wintersun many many moons ago & they are Prison Blues Jeans from Atomic Life. Last time I wore them last winter they were a bit baggy in the leg but otherwise fit fine.
Well roll me in garlic & call me smelly!!! They literally fell off me!!!!
I handed them to TBF who tried them on. They fit the huge monkey man perfectly!

"Geez Louise Crikey!" I thought "Oh well I still have my Levi 527s I bought 6 months ago.
They are now MASSIVE on me! Again TBF tried them on. Perfect fit.
Either both of us have lost weight OR I used to be the size of a Silverback Gorilla.
I don't want to buy new jeans until I have reached my goal body where I look very similar to The Black Widow in Avengers.

I still want some jeans for winter though, so I might just have to get the dodgy brothers ones from Tarjay for $20 until I shout myself some you-beat denim when I am smokin hot like Scarlett.
Awesome Sauce (I'm not sure what that means but it seems to be the IN thing to say)

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Simply Sizzling SSS

Howdy yawl. Well I did a berry berry sneaky weigh in on Saturday morning and bless my soul if the scales didn't read 85.4kg!! You little rip-snorta! Needless to say that put me in a good mood for the rest of the weekend.
I hit the gym around 1pm for my SSS: Super Saturday Session.
It was called "The Pyramid of Pain".  Sounds awesome doesn't it? NOT.
Basically it involves something like this:
Chest Press Machine
15 reps @ (5-10)kgs, 10 reps @ (10-15)kgs, 8 reps @ (15-20)kgs, 5 reps @ (20-25)kgs, 2 reps @ (25-30)kgs, 5 reps @ (20-25)kgs, 8 reps @ (15-20)kgs, 10 reps @ (10-15)kgs, 15 reps @ (5-10)kgs.
By the end of your reps your muscles are screaming obsenities at you & the sweat is pouring off you.
Luckily the gym was practically empty due to the fact that it was fairly pouring down with rain outside (only the truely dedicated like myself made the effort).
Unluckily for me I had to share my machine space with Mr Masterbation. I call him this because this bloke who is in probably in his 50's is a friggin' machine! He is mega-uber-super fit. While he exercises he makes noises like he is having a great old time by himself if ya catch my drift.
I had my eyes closed on the leg press trying to focus on the building of my muscles in quads & picturing myself lean & buff in my new skin tight pin up dress when suddenly all I can hear is Mr M doing one million pushups while balancing on 4 medicine balls (no shit). This is how he sounds..
"grunt Mmmmm grunt Yeah grunt hmmmmyerrrr grunt arrrryeaaaa grunt ARRRRRRRmmmm"
Distracting much?

I quickly finished my buff crunching session & made a run for it.
Saturday night TBF & I couldn't be arsed cooking so we decided to hit the place strikes fear & horror into every person who is trying to lose weight & become totally hawt....
SIZZLER. Arrrrrrrrrrrr
To be accountable I decided to take photos of everything that I ate.
Drinks: NONE - Normally I would have drunk about 1/2 a bottle of Sizzler's finest Chateau d'cardboarde Merlot but I'm now a member of The Soberettes.

Entree: 1/2 cup of Pumpkin(?) soup with croutons - Normally I would have had pumpkin soup & added a large dollop of sour cream AND grated cheese. I could only eat half because after only eating FRESH food for the last 3-6 months the taste of processed shit is gruesome. Give me home-made pumpkin soup ANYDAY.

First Course:  A mix of all the salads. The prawn & smoked salmon salad was really really good. Normally I would have had a plate filled with pasta, cheese, sourcream, bolagnase & potato cheesy bake. The highlight was standing next to an old lady as she proceeded to take EVERY piece of crab out of the huge bowl of crab/celery salad until all that was left was literally just the celery. I stood there gawping at her but she didn't seem to notice or care.

Second Course:  More of the prawn & smoked salmon salad with a bit of pasta with the tomato pasta sauce and 3 potato skins. Normally I would have just had a huge piled plate of just potato skins covered in sour cream & grated cheese.

Dessert: OK I may have overindulged a bit with dessert. I had a small piece of mango pav, a small cube of banana caramel tart, some vanilla icecream with about 6 smarties followed by a cup of flat white coffee. Mango & Banana though???? C'mon it's fruit dammit.
I may not have had dessert at all if I had gone up 5 minutes later as I witnessed a small lad stuff his chubby little mitt into the smartie trough & scoop out with his grubby paws a handful. Ick. Normally I would have had AT LEAST 2 serves of dessert one being a big poo like mound of chocolate mousse with chocolate topping.
And of course I can hear you all bleating "That's all well and good but what about the cheesy toast?"
Cheesy Toast: Yes Yes I had 4 triangles of the cheesy toast. I mean seriously I'm only human!
What on earth do they do with the toast to make it so delicious. It can't just be cheese & bread!
I savoured every little bit of that cheesy crunchy heaven.

I think I did pretty damn good considering the tempations that were put infront of me. I don't feel like I missed out though and I didn't feel like my guts were going to explode like something from Alien because I gorged myself stupid. I was full and satisfied.
For once I didn't feel like going home after Sizzler & throwing myself dramatically on the bed sobbing like a woman possessed " I'll never do it! I'm useless! Why oh why did I overeat again!? Arrrrrr I'm such a dickhead!! Arrrrrrr Don't look at me! DON'T LOOK AT MEEEEEE".
This time I came home and sat on the bed, turned to TBF & said
"I wonder if that old duck put all that crab in a hidden compartment in her handbag?"

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Totally Tight Toned Terrific Tart

Yesterday I opened a can of mental whip-ass & printed out the whole of next week's exercise & eating plans & did a bit of forward planning. Yes it has only taken me nearly the whole of Round One to work out that I should be looking ahead to potential obstacles that may befall me.

This coming week is filled with impending 12wbt doom. It's ok up until Thursday then things could go pear shaped (like my silhouette). Here is a look at my week 12:
MONDAY 30TH:  CARDIO ON GYM MACHINES while attempting to look cool & fit in my bleach stained 3/4 $5 Target pants & stained VLV shirt.
TUESDAY 1st:  TONING SESSION while attempting to look like it is totally effortless for me to do push-ups while holding in the tears of agony & pain.
WEDNESDAY 2nd: Spin Class madness while grimacing a false smile at Bionic Lady PT while she calmly announces "Just 5 more minutes on this hill climb woohoooo".
THURSDAY 3rd: Potential disaster day. I am booked in to get the bajingos bleached out of my hair & so I can't hit the gym in the arvo. That means that I must rise at the ungodly hour of 5am and do the MB DVD while my husband & cat snore peacefully away in the ajoining room.
FRIDAY 4th: TBF & I are going to see the other love of my life Henry Rollins. SWOON. So once again no time for afternoon exercise. I must stumble out of bed, trip over the moggy in my flannys & stumble around the lounge room swearing & mumbling "Whazatfugginshit grunt....."  while I do my fitball CORE exercises.
SATURDAY 5th: TBF & I have to be up at sparrow's to drive to Mt Tamborine for the annual Garterbelts & Gasoline Soap Box Derby. No time for any exercise today except maybe running down the hill after my husband screaming at the top of my lungs as he hurtles down in his racer.
SUNDAY 6th:  Back up the mountain for the Garterbelts & Gasoline Hot Rod show. No time for exercise today. I will get a bit of exercise strolling around the cars & will build up the muscles in my hand & wrists with the opening & closing of my purse while I spend too much money on hair barrettes & flowers.
At least I have a bit of a plan.

Yesterday I did my first try of the MB Crunch time DVDs. I did the Tight Toned & Terrific.
Bloody hell. It sure does give you a work-out. I hate to think what the Super Shredder Cardio workout is like. *shudder*
I didn't have any hand weights so I used my Point One milk cartons to do my bicep exercises.
This arvo I am going to buy a yoga matt because my slightly ripped (thank you staffy dogs) beach towel just didn't cut the mustard & kept slipping around and didn't offer any support for my svelte feminine wrists when doing pushups.

Last night we were supposed to have the Stuffed Tomatoes with Feta Currants & Mint.
Stuff that fancy schamcy Master Chef bizzo. I just chucked it all into a pan using exactly the same ingredients & quantities & cooked it up & added the rice. It was yummy. TBF gave it an 8/10.
We then proceeded to torture ourselves by watching Heston Blumenthal on SBS.
Last night's episode was all about him cooking with cheese. OMFG.
He made Cheese on toast ICECREAM. YES CHEESE ICECREAM.
TBF & I just sat there absent-mindedly wiping the dripping drool from our chins while softly chanting "Oooo cheeeeeeese Mmmmmmmm".
If you are on any sort of healthy eating plan do not.. I repeat DO NOT watch Heston.
Next week is all cooking with potatoes with his Triple cooked chips.
Oh Mr Blumenthal I love you but I hate you too.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012


Samm's Chinese Chicken Dumplings

Vegetarian Pizza

Boiled Egg with Smoked Salmon on Toast

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Always Do Whatever's Next - George Carlin

I've had a good week & a not so good week so far this week.
MONDAY. Good day I hit the gym & burnt 584 calories doing the totally bonkers cardio set. It involved not only running/jogging/walking but running/jogging/walking UP HILL. It ended up running/jogging/walking/dryretching/wheezing. I couldn't manage the whole thing.
By the end I looked like a cat that had been put through the washer!

TUESDAY: Toning Day. I kinda like toning day & doing the weights. I'd rather do that than cardio.
The young buff caucasion Jersey Shore lads with their Southern Cross tatoos Ed Hardy singlets & bulging pecks eyed me with curiousity as I entered their 'domain'. I think they were quite amused by my steely look of determination as I busted out the reps lifting a massive 15kg. The killer though was the Step-Ups. This exercise is supposed to give me Buns Of Steel! You get one of those steps that they use in step classes (a class I only ever did ONCE. I fell off the step & spent the whole class looking like the most unco freak in the cosmos. The shame & humilation was terrible). Then you do 15 step ups per leg while holding 2kg weights... then you do 12 step ups holding 4kg weights... then you do 10 holding 6kgs and finally you do 15 with the 2kg again. I mean seriously how difficult and hard can that be. I walk up & down the steps at work about 50 times a day to go to the loo (thank you 1.5lites of water a day).
Nup. The simple act of stepping up onto a slightly raised platform had the sweat pouring into my eyes streaking my Mabelline Great Lash!
By the end my arse cheeks were screaming very unladylike language at me.
Then... the football club next door decided to torture me just a bit more on the way out by cooking what smelt like someone was holding the world record for the biggest amount of bacon being cooked on a barbie. The smell was devine and so so cruel.
I was like Homer Simpson..... Bacon....droooool.

I just could not be arsed.
I was so tired & all I wanted to do was go home to my big hulking furry faced husband.
It's such a bummer being completely in wuv with your husband. All I can think about is getting home from the gym to his big face and smile. I would seriously be doing SO much better on this 12wbt if my husband was off down at the local TAB with the punters then hitting the pub with his bogan mates drinkin' schooners of the Very Best talking about carbies and Britt Ekland's tits.
But OH NO.. not my man.
He would rather be at home waiting patiently, watching re-runs of Mash and then greeting me at the door with a big hug & spewing forth praise onto me about how good I am doing.
NOTE: I have not discussed my weigh-in this week. My weight has stayed the same. Stoopid kilos.

Monday, April 16, 2012

“Fashion changes, but style endures.” - Coco Chanel

Today I thought I would introduce you to the reason why I am here doing the 12wbt.
The reason why I drive home every afternoon in peak hour traffic to jog to nowhere on a treadmill.
The reason why I taunt myself when I have to do those bloody AWFUL burpees and MAC push-ups "C'morn Vick just one more matey C'mornnnnnn"
The reason I no longer eat the same amount of food as my husband who has the build of a silver-back gorilla on steriods.
The reason why at work I now put my hand up into the face of my work collegue when offered those decadent tasty treats that come in the shape of licorice allsorts and delicious home-made pastries.
The reason why I actually let myself be seen not only ala-naturale in public but also when I am sweating & grunting like a hog in heat in summer.
Is this the reason?
So I FEEL healthier?
So I FEEL more energetic?
Well partly. The main reason (as I described in my very first post) is:
I'm not a shoe & handbag gal.
VINTAGE 1940s & 1950s clothes.
I am obviously some sort of masochist because I continue to log onto Etsy & torture myself with the lovely visions of silk rayon frocks from the forties, squaw patio dresses from the 1950s, cute blouses, high waisted vintage jeans, sequinned cardigans, my favourite The Pendelton Jacket and my holy grail.... the 1940s Mexican Jacket. So many beautiful amazingly stylish chic gorgeous things.
*shakes my fist at the computer screen & sobs quietly into my filtered water with a slice of lemon*
Over the years I have sold off alot of my vintage clothes simply because I could hear them whimpering & whispering to eachother in the night. "She never wears me anymore.""What did we ever do to her?""She spilt wine on me one night"."Those were the good ole days""It's because she's fat now"."Shhhhhh here she comes......"
The sight of my treasures just made me feel sad so I got rid of them.
But not these little fellas pictured below....... These are my goal outfits.
To some of you you might think ... Errrrrggh what the heck . They look like something out of an old Fossey's catalouge but they aren't.
The blouses are Avanti 1940s reproduction silk rayon Tea-Timers. blah blah blah.
I have NEVER worn them. I bought them about 7 years ago.They cost me quite a bit of dosh (divorce settlement money cha-ching).
I've never seen them for sale since.
The other is a LBD original 1950s. The first & only time I have worn it was on New Years Eve 2001.
It is so lovely on. A real classic beautiful frock.

So YES I know that by doing this 12wbt I am becoming healthier, fitter & my cardiovasular and immune system will just love me and that is grouse but.....
It's the feel of that silk rayon on my skin that is the real cincher for me :)
I might just pop on Etsy again & add just a few more things onto Favourites.
For when I hit goal weight ... of course.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012


Well paint me green & call me a pickle!
I lost 700g this week which brings me down to 86.5kg.
WORD UP YAWL!!!! (I is so gangsta blud)
Needless to say when I saw that number this morning I stood there gawping like a giant sea cod in a boat for about 1 minute. WHAA????
Happy Happy Nudey Dance today.

My graph is going down like a nun's knickers. Unreal.
I didn't go to the gym yesterday as TBF & I had an appointment with the IVF clinic (that's a whole other blog in the making) and it didn't finish up until late.
I'm off to Spin class tonight to burn it up.
Mentally, I'm feeling alot better today. My Mojo picked itself up off the lounge, brushed the cat fur off itself, gave itself an upper-cut & got back to work.
The vegetarian menu is still pretty good. Last night we had Chickpea Rissoles & Salad. Even though the rissoles looked alot like hardend baby poo they were quite delicious. The dressing was Greek Yogurt with a tablespoon of tahini which was surprisingly tasty.

Since I am totally like dedicated now to becoming an awesomely hawt totally toned dame I have signed up to do Round Two of MB12WBT which officially BEGINS on June 4th
BUT... Mish has a few weeks of WARM-UP tasks you have to do to get in da moooood.
WARM-UP CHALLENGE #1:  Make One Small Change
This week I want you to make ONE small change to how you eat and exercise.
Make your change something specific and achievable.
 It doesn't have to be a game changer, choose something you can manage.
I've already sworn off the evil turps so I have now turned my glaring squinty eyes onto Expresso Coffee.
A coffee shop opened about 6 months ago literally right next door to my work. I am almost convinced they put some sort of meth amphetamine into their brew. It is so good & so addictive. They have the shirt and tie brigade lined up down the road for a sip of the magical brown potion. It's like that scene in the movie LA Story:   "I'll have a half double decaffeinated half-caf, with a twist of lemon".
Lately though I have found that I feel really quite crook after my LSF1 (I learnt their barrista code system, to save time at the lineup) Large Skinny Flat White with One Sugar. And felt as jumpy as a virgin at a prison rodeo. So it's so long to my coffee shop coffees. I'm not totally giving up coffee though. I'm still going to have my cups of top shelf Nescafe Blend 43 with Trim Milk & one Sugar.
I'm just givin' up Da Hard Stoof.
No I will never give up chocolate..... ever...... ever.........

Monday, April 9, 2012

Insane in the Membrane...

I'm having "one of those days". Actually two of those days. I affectionately call them "Blender Head" days.
I have Bipolar & sometimes my brain just stands up, brushes itself off & says "Nup. That's it I've had enough I'll be over in the corner if you need me". The crappy thing is that normally my BH days are caused by something. Usually too much grog or too much stress. But I haven't had any alcamahole for over a month, I've been eating really healthy, doing lots of exercise & sleeping well. The BH day hit me yesterday around lunch.
The only way I can describe the feeling is: Imagine being locked in a very small room with about 50 radios all turn on & turned up but all to different stations. It's too much electricity going into my brain & so it kind of freaks out & doesn't know what to do. You want to just lie down & sleep but you are also filled with this nervous energy. The adjective that best describes it is:  ANTSY.

Today I'm much better than yesterday but I'm still a bit wonky.
Anyway.... back to the good parts of the weekend.
On Sunday I did my SSS Mini-Milestone. I hit the gym & did 6km on the treadmill.
I did it in 54 minutes!!! I was very very happy with that result & do you want to hear something totally wacky??? I felt like I could have had a bit of a rest & stretch & done about another 2km!
Incredible. Also, I only burnt 492 calories which says to me that I am getting FITTER!

how sexy am I ala-naturale... not
Sunday night I was sick of cooking & cleaning so I said to TBF "I don't care where we eat as long as I don't have to cook". I really wanted Sushi Train but they were closed. Bummer.
So we went to Outback Jacks. I went a bit nuts & got the ribs/steak/chips plate.
yes the glistening on it is fat.
I'm not gunna lie... it was yummy. Yummy yummy meat. I wasn't too fussed on the restaurant though. It was sooooo expensive & the waitress kept calling me Darl & Doll. I friggin HATE that. I was a waitress for about 10 years & my managers would have stuck my hand in the deep fryer if I didn't call people Sir & Madam.  I wouldn't hurry to go back to Outback Jacks.
But I thought we should have a final meaty meal because we have decided to to the "Vegetarian" menu this week.

 I don't think I could ever go full-time Vego because I simply love my rare bleeding meat too much.
But a week of nothing but tofu & beans will do us good I think. (that reminds me I'd better buy the large economy size can of Glen-20 this week) Not to mention reduce our food bill.
On Monday I cooked up the Falafel wrap & it was so yummy. I've realised that since I started writing this blog I haven't really written about FOOD. I've been focusing on the exercise part alot. So I will now make an effort to bore you all to tears about my mastication habits. (Yes I said masTICation you filthy minded people settle down). So I begin I will show you a picture of chickpea falafels.
Fascinating shit I know....

Also, I should say that if any of you are about to embark on doing this 12wbt yourselves (and I say DO IT! If a unfit schulb like me can do it anyone can!) then I recommend buying a big ring-binder folder & some page dividers. I am an organisational FREAK. I would go so far to say that I have CDO.... It's like OCD but the letters are in the correct order (boomboom). Each week when I print out the recipes I like to put them in the folder in alphabetical order. That way 1. they are easy to find & 2. you have a great cookbook at the end with heaps of totally radelicous (I just made that word up) recipes. brilliant!

I am off to the gym today because I didn't go yesterday because the inside of my brain had turned to grey gooey sludge & the thought of having to deal with people, let alone try & program a treadmill was just too much. Vicki stay Bed. Better I stay at home muttering nonsense to myself & the cat.
I hate being Bipolar. It's Awesome!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Running on Empty

Woohoooo 4 day weekend for Easter! Thankfully I'm not really one for easter eggs & I can't really remember the last time I celebrated Easter with chocolate eggs.
I'm going to spend the weekend chillin' out. I might watch some DVDs & maybe sew an A-line skirt.
I've got to attempt my SSS at some point which is INSANE this week.
It is a Biatholon. (I think that means twice the pain)
My gym is closed so I am going to have to do it..... *cue dramatic music*...
OUTDOORS .... IN PUBLIC! Oh for shame.
I have to jog/run/walk/shuffle/hobble for 6 KILOMETRES!!!!
Yesterday I redid my Fitness Test. I had to do 1 kilometre as fast as I could.
On Week One it took me 7 minutes & 20 seconds.
Yesterday it took me 6 minutes & 45 seconds.
That is an improvement of 35 seconds.
Now some of you might snort Pfft at this but you can go get knackered.
When I started this insane journey 8 weeks ago I could kind of jog for 100 metres before stopping, practically hyperventilating clutching at my chest & side panting "Can't breathe. Oh God Stitch! I think the lactic acid in my thighs is going to make my legs collapse! Shit Arrrrrrauuughhg.This sucksssss"
Yesterday I jogged the WHOLE way of 1 kilometre!!!!!
I kept waiting for my lungs to do that burny thing where it feels like I've swallowed one of those Bhut Jolokia chillis and for my legs to get all rubbery but..... the feeling never came!
Some of you fitter persons might turn up your slender muscley noses & chortle "Hmmpft 1 kilometre. I do that for FUN on a friday night in between Big Bang Theory & Packed to the Rafters. Whatever".
But for me it is INCREDIBLE.
Also I could do 23 pushups (on my knees. I ain't no Jillian Michaels yet) in one minute.
8 weeks ago I could do 10.
I've also bought myself a Fit Ball & a skipping rope to do some exercise/core work at home.
I promise I will actually use the fit ball for exercising & not just as a foot rest for watching re-runs of Scrubs and I will skip & not just use the rope to tease the cat. hehehhe
I remeasured my thighs last night also. I remember that when I originally measured them I had my foot up on a stool. So.... my thighs have remained the same measurement. Hmmmm?
This puzzles me. My pants are totally looser?  Wishful thinking?
Anyway, I'm excited about my 4 days off of doing sweet fanny albright.
Have a great Easter everyone. Be safe.
PS: I really like it when people leave comments. It makes me feel validated & loved.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012


Howdy Katz & Kittenz.
Well it's that time again. Weigh & Measure & Fitness Test Time.
I set my alarm nice & early. Squeezed out my bladder like a car chamis & hesitantly tip-toed onto the scales. I was NOT expecting a good result after last week's binge n purge (minus the purge of course).
The goddess of boombas was smiling down on me this week with a loss of 700g!!!
Rad to the Power of Inifinity!
WEIGHT: 87.2kg - TOTAL LOST 3kg

Then it was time to pull out the trusty ole tape measure.
CHEST: 111cm - LOST 1cm (TOTAL LOST = 3cm off the bazoongees)
WAIST: 95cm - LOST 2cm (TOTAL LOST = 10cm !!!)
HIPS: 112cm - LOST 3cm  (TOTAL LOST = 9cm!)
THIGHS: 66cm - GAIN OF 2cm???

HANG ON WHAT???? Seriously I cannot have measured myself right! I am going to do a RE-measure this arvo. How can my thighs have GAINED 6cm since starting. My stylish Millers work trousers (elastic waist of course) are DEFINATELY baggier around my legs. Weird.
BICEP: 30.5cm - LOST 1.5cm (TOTAL LOST.5cm)
TOTAL CM LOST - 23.5CM !!!!!

This arvo I have to do my Fitness Test where you run for 1km as quick as pozzy.
I'm going to cheat a bit this arvo & take my pooch to drag me along like a husky pulling a sled but without the sled... oh and the snow. I've got to beat my previous time of 6:50 minutes.
I'm pretty stoked with my results so far. I am slowly transforming into the lean, svelte, slender, lissome, slim, supple, fit, healthy, strong, awesome, fabbo, self confident glamourzon nature intended me to be.
Be gone frumpy, bumpy, lumpy, unfit slothy woman!!!!
I've still got 3 weeks left of Round One & I'm already looking forward to totally kicking some lard arse next Round !!!!
Bring It ORN!

Monday, April 2, 2012

Heavy Breathing is not just for the Perverted.

Yesterday I hit the gym to do my HARCORE CARDIO WORKOUT.
5 mins on the rowing machine warm up
20 mins running/walking on the treadmill
10 mins on the cross trainer
5 mins walk/sprinting on the treadmill
5 mins of lunges with dumbells
5 mins of abs.

During the 20min treadmill workout I was supposed to do 2 mins walking followed by 3 mins of running on an incline of 3. After only 1 run I transformed from a semi-cute pinup gal with rad bettie page bangs (fringe) to a huffing panting wildebeest. Instead I ran for 1 minute & walked for 1 minute.
I cranked up System of a Down so my earholes filled with enough noise to cover the sound of my own gasping and grunting for breath.  The soothing voice of Serj Tankian helped get me through.
It was gruesome with my sweat flinging about the place.
Let the Bodies hit the Flooooorrrrrrr!

I was in a world of my own focusing on the moniter infront of me and that annoying little red line that shows how far around the running track you have gotten. How can it only be 1.5 kilometres!!!!!!??
It feels like I have run to Toowoomba & back including the run up the range avoiding the cattle trucks! Wail.
As soon as that timer hit 20 minutes I practically punched the STOP button.
"OHTHANGORD" I exhaled clutching my chest dramatically.
That's when I noticed the blonde on the machine next to me. 0% body fat. Tan.
Little itty bitty shorty shorts with a singlet so tight I was like it was fused to her skin.
No makeup. Boobies screaming to be gawked at.
She was running... no sprinting. I noticed her time. She had been sprinting like she was a sexy extra in a 1970s axe murder horror film being chased by an asylum escapee for 15 minutes........ straight.
Not a drop of sweat glistened on her body. She was breathing like she had just awoken from a nice little nap. She didn't wear an ipod so she was running only to the sound of my grunts and the whiring of the machines.
She looked at me when I finished with a perfect smile with perfect teeth as if to say "Keep up the good work & one day you will be awesome like me not UGLY ICKY like you are now. Well done".
I responded by scowling and snarling at her like evil sweaty leprechaun.
She flinched & very quickly looked ahead at her imaginary running track.
Finally I finished my whole session & fell like a sack of wet towels onto the stretching mats.
I noticed people smirking at me in kind of a bemused manner.
I stumbled into the dressing rooms & glanced at myself in the mirror. (this is not something I like to do as my reflection after a workout has been known to induce severe nausea)
I was quite a sight. My sweet Bettie fringe was stuck to my head & flopping over my eyes, my mascara was smudged & I was, as usual, red like I had been in a tanning bed for 5 days.
I looked like a half drowned raccoon.
It's worth it though.
I feel great today. I went into a exercise induced coma last night.
I think I might get this quote put onto a Tshirt & wear it next to the blonde goddess next time:

Sunday, April 1, 2012

No Matter How Hard you Try... You can't suck in Back Fat

5 slices of Algerion Pizza Capers Pizza = 935 calories
1/2 packet of Mint Slice Pods = 900 calories
1 big bag of Chicken Twisties = 314 calories
1 hot dog = 603 calories
1 mega slice of sponge birthday cake (the bit on the end with extra icing) = 200 calories
10 slices of haloumi cheese - 258 calories
3 handfuls of salt and vinegar samboys - 228 calories

Yes I had a very tasty weekend.
But look people can we just focus on the postitives?!
Normally I would have eaten a WHOLE family pizza to myself.
I still haven't drunk any alcohol thus saving myself a gillion extra calories.
I followed all the above foods with Coke Zero which we all know cancels out the calories of the food eaten previously. I even found this picture of Albert Einstein calculating it so it MUST be true.

I DID go to the gym on Saturday & did my workout. I burnt 435 calories or 10 Pods.
As TBF & I were driving home I was rubbing my guns (gym talk for incredibly buff arms) when I thought
"What is that weird bump on my arm?!". It suddenly dawned on me....
I have BICEPS! "Oh My God. I have DEFINITION!!! Touch my arm Mick! TOUCH IT!"
I then began pumping & flexing my arms like a boss! It was NOT my imagination. I have a line of definition between my bicep & tri-cep. OK underneath still hangs down like albino bat wings but..........
So like totally buff man.
This Wednesday is not just weigh-in day but it is MEASURING DAY too.
Geez I hope I have lost more cm. I suppose the weekend binge has to set up camp somewhere though.
I can just imagine the Pods & Twisties in their little covered wagon.
"Well yawl I thank we mayt just set up camp over yonder in them thar thighs".
" Narr POD That thar abdomine looks mighty comfy".
"Let's hunker down narse & comfy like in this belly".

About half an hour after mindlessly scoffing the pods & twisties into my mouth while watching The Lorax I felt like total crud & had a crackin' sugar MSG headache. To think I had only just the week before watched the doco on Healthy Changes. Did I learn NOTHING!?
Why oh why didn't I just get some trail mix & a bottle of water.

Today is CARDIO day at the gym so hopefully I will sweat out most of the crap I ate.
Forgive me Mish.
bitchin' guns.