Thursday, March 20, 2014


Last night I completed a blouse I have been working on.
I really liked the floral pattern on this fabric & it is a lovely soft cotton.
I am a sucker for a Peter Pan collar. I just love 'em.  It's bloody hard to actually find a blouse pattern with a PP collar though.
I came across this one when I was pouring over the sewing pattern books at Lincraft's latest ALL PATTERNS ONLY $5 SALE (hyperventilates) and thought I would give it a crack.
Plus, it had those wondrous words on it

It took me this whole week to make it. Doing about 2 hours a night.  It was pretty easy but I won't say it was FAST.  The collar was a bit of a shit to do but the rest of it wasn't too bad.
When I finished it and tried it on I thought it looked a bit shapeless & wonky and didn't really fit all that well.
The cut of it doesn't do much for me but it doesn't look too bad when it is tucked in.
I don't think I will make this one again.

I Never-Never Landed the shit out of it
Being the little rebel that I am I thought "Stuff it. It's Friday let's be crazy" and wore it in to work today...
Because that's how I roll. 
I got lots of compliments at the coffee shop & some very self esteem boosting gasps of "You made it?! That is awesome!! " which of course, made my head swell up to twice its size.
(I was also happy because last night's hair set turned out quite noice too)

I've got the tiny legs
So, my next sewing project will be the Sewing for Victory thing.
I went through my patterns last night & realised that I all of my patterns are distinctly 1950s ..... except one.
So, just to give you a hint....
My inspiration for the project will be The Women's Land Army (1942-1945)
I'm off to Lincraft this afternoon. Sweeeeeeeeet.
Have a great weekend everybody!

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Sew much Fabric Sew Little Time

In high school I got a D for Home Eck. 

I quite liked the cooking part where you got to eat the finished product like those meat balls in tomato soup and scones but I HATED sewing classes.
Mrs Hilsdon was my poor teacher. I would raise my smart-arsey eyebrow and proudly announce "When am I EVER going to sew my own clothes when I can just go to Venture or Fosseys & buy them?!"
My elastic waist band shorts made out comic print fabric always ended up with one leg longer & wider than the other and my library tote back looked like it was made by an epileptic ferret.
"Oh Vicki. One day you will wish you could sew" Mrs Hilsdon would shake her head in defeat as she handed over my sheet with a big red D on it.
"As if." I would think.


About 10 years ago my Mum gave me a sewing machine for Christmas. I had hinted to her that I would like to try sewing. (by hinted I mean I rang her & said that if she wanted to buy me something for Christmas I would like a sewing machine OK ).  Mummsy was very excited as she used to sew & knew the satisfaction one could get from whipping up a blouse or apron.
Christmas morning I tore off the wrapping & there it was. The Brother Star 110! With button hole features!
I was so excited about all the incredible shit I was going to make. I was going to make ALL my own clothes & make presents for people for birthdays and Christmas. I visualised my cupboard filled with incredible frocks. People would stop me in the street & ask "Where did you get that incredible frock?" I would look them in the eye & reply "Oh this? I just whipped it up this afternoon don't you know while I waited for my lemonade scones to cook".
The sky was the freaking limit!
I got back home & put the machine in its unopened box in the spare room.
And there it stayed..... unopened for the next 5 years.
Look, you can't rush these things... I was also busy getting divorced & drinking myself into a stupor.


I am now quite addicted to sewing.  I'm not sure what it is but I find it to be like a meditation. Meditation that involves shouting Louise Hay type affirmations like "Shit! Stupid zipper" "Farrrrrrrrrrrrrrk where's my farking quick unpick". "Jesus Friggin Bobbin ran out in the middle of friggin......" etc etc.
When I have FINALLY finished a project & I put it on & it looks quite nice (just don't look at the inside or too closely to the seams) I think it myself "Hmmph Not bad Mz Vicki not bad".
Oh I could definitely use some more lessons but I find with each project I learn a bit more. 
SO I have decided to enter a bit of a competition. OK it's not really a COMPETITION it's more of a group project called SEW FOR VICTORY.  It is done by one of my favourite sewing blogs that I regularly stalk for inspiration & advice.

-Sew For Victory is a non-competitive sewing challenge for anyone who’s ever wanted to try sewing a 1940s style.
-You are allowed to pick your own pattern and work at your own pace, so long as your pattern is 1940s* and your project is made specifically during Sew For Victory.
-*You can use any vintage sewing pattern, reproduction sewing pattern, or modern sewing pattern that helps you recreate your 1940s look.
-*Any WWII style or post war “New Look” style is appropriate for this challenge (some late 30s or very early 50s patterns may be used so long as the overall “feel” of the project is 40s).

I'm not sure what I am going to sew yet. 
I'm super excited though....
If only Mrs Hilsdon could see me now! She would probably smirk, raise her perfectly sculptured eyebrow and say "I told you so Miss Vicki. I told you."









Thursday, March 13, 2014


beyondblue: the national depression initiative?

From around the age of 13 I would sink into these incredibly soul crushing episodes of depression where I would pray to whoever was 'up there' to kill me.  I could never bring myself to commit suicide so I would pray for an accident to happen to me. I would lie in bed & wish with all my might for a poisonous spider to bite me or for a drunk driver to run over me. It of course never happened.

Then all of a sudden I would become intensely happy and but my brain would get all fogged up and I would forget simple things like what shoes were for or what plates were and I would stay up all night walking from room to room.
I would have days where I literally believed that I was invisible & didn't exist and that I was a ghost.
I went through stages where I would force myself to eat rotting food. I would have massive binge eating sessions and HUGE drinking sessions.

When I was older I  would go to doctors who (this was in the 1990s) would tell me that I was "just stressed". I would beg them to lock me up. I would tell them that I was terrified I was going to either hurt myself or other people. "Don't be silly" I was told. "Here. Have some valium".
(I never took any valium or any medications prescribed to me)

One day, years laterI had one of my brain fog days.
I woke up from my fog & I had been to Bunnings & bought what I needed to gas myself in the car.
I had even written down my "plan" for where & when.
I didn't even remember doing it.

Then I thought about my Mum and my family and my friends and how terrible it would be if I did this.

I realised that I seriously needed to get help.

I had heard about beyondblue.... I don't even know where.  I rang them.  I was very calm as I told them that I was this close to killing myself.

They were amazing.

They told me to stay on the line as they patched me through to a nearby doctor who was affiliated with them.
The Doctor told me to come into the clinic immediately.
I did.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar II.  The Doctor told me to go straight to the chemist & get a script for Epilim filled & bring it straight back. I did.   He instructed me to take one tablet immediately.
So I did.
About a month later I started weekly sessions with a psychiatrist who confirmed that I was indeed Bipolar.
Within a week of taking medication I remember saying to someone that colour & sound had come back to me.  The fuzziness was gone.
It seriously was like something out of Pleasantville.
My life ONE THOUSAND PERCENT changed for the better from that day.

I can honestly say that if it weren't for beyondblue I don't think I would be here today.

A lot of people are very uncomfortable talking about suicide but I think that is part of the problem.
We need to talk about it because it is real.
Did you know that everyday at least six Australians die from suicide and a further thirty people will attempt to take their own lives?

I thank whoever is 'up there' that in the 2000s there is SO much more education & help available to people with mental illness.

If I can help raise more awareness for incredible organisations such as beyondblue then I am happy.

If you are having issues & believe you may have a mental illness or if you are thinking about suicide PLEASE contact either beyondblue 1300 22 4636  or Lifeline on 13 11 14.

There is help out there.

You are not alone.


Sunday, March 9, 2014

Every Saint has a Past. Every Sinner has a Future - Oscar Wilde.

I've started listening to a podcast called Risk!

It is people telling a story about an experience that they have had.
BUT, the basis of the show is that the experience is something you normally wouldn't tell anyone about.

Most of the stories go for about 15 minutes.  Some of the stories are hilarious laugh out loud funny (like the one about the guy who fully shits his pants while on a romantic picnic), a lot of them are super sexual (like the one about the girl who talks about using her mum's bean bag chair as a masturbation device when she was young) and some of them are so incredibly heart breaking & sad (like the girl who was molested by her uncle when she was young).
If you don't mind your entertainment  'in your face' honest, filthy & completely blunt then you will love this.

Last Thursday afternoon I decided to listen to Risk! while going for a nice walk along the waterfront after work.  The first two stories were hilarious & I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing but the last story was not. It was devasatingly sad.
I won't go into it but I had to stop & sit down. 
This girl's story opened up in my mind a flood of memories from my youth. 
Not nice memories. Bad memories.
I hadn't FORGOTTEN I had just not thought about them in a very long time.
Suddenly these images & flashes just kept coming & coming. I had to quickly walk (no I won't run) back to the car or I thought I would start crying & not stop.
I had a lot of trouble sleeping that night as the thoughts & feelings from my past just kept rushing at me.

On Friday I logged on to FB and was confronted by heaps pictures of me from the past staring at me!!  A very good friend of mine from my past who I haven't had contact with for many years, had posted a bunch of awesome (read: embarrassing!) pictures of us from when we were about 18 years old. 
It was so brilliant.  I loved it. Some of these photos I had never even seen before!


Two things hit me. 

One - Good lord how fucking huge was my hair! Talk about Nicole Kidman spiral perm!

Two- I have to deal with my past. I have to get it out of my head.

So I am going to write a book.
No you cannot read it. 
It will be for me. It will be tales from my past.
Fucked up stuff.
I MAY put some on here but I must warn you, they aren't funny. Not at all.

When I think back to anytime before the age of about 25 it's like I am thinking about somebody else. It truly astounds me that I am still alive.
How I did not either get killed or kill myself is just incredible.

The age of 25 - 35 is a blur. A hazy chardonnay fuelled blur of guilt, shame, partying hard, & sadness.

I was going to say I'm sorry today's post is a bit of a downer but I'm not.
This is MY blog & my therapy.

This feeling of needing to purge my life experiences out onto paper (computer file) is pretty overwhelming in me at the moment.  It is going to be tough. There will be tears but I think it is necessary.

In the last year or so my past has been coming to greet me.  Through the wonder of FB, but more through crazy serendipity , I have been reconnected with people who played a role in my previous life.
I'm no spiritual "oooooh everything has meaning' kind of person BUT I can't help but think that some people come into your life for a reason.  The reason may be good or bad.

So, Vicki Past, you wanna piece 'o' me? Fine. Let's chat.

I'm not dead Vicki Past so you didn't win.

I'm all for taking my teaspoon of cement & hardening the fuck up.

Trust me I've drunk my share of cement over the years.


Wednesday, March 5, 2014

We gladly feast on those who would subdue us. Not just pretty words. - Morticia Addams

So the results of my biopsy are in.

I DO NOT have the dreaded Coeliac Disease.


I probably should have waited for the actual diagnosis before I downloaded the Coeliac Australia app for $10 & bought the "coeliac for Dummies" book.  I am not joking. What a dickhead.

Dr B gave me the horrifying news that according to the 50 million blood tests, pap smears & having the tube stuck down into my guts that I am


I was actually disappointed that I wasn't coeliac. I know I know I should be grateful. Coeliac is a total prick of a disease & I should be jumping up & down with joy & fist pumping the air.
I guess I just wanted an ANSWER.

So, why then am I always so tired, my legs ache & are sore to touch, my stomach is always bloated, my back aches, fluffies have the power to kill indoor plants & my girlie bits always seem to be in a constant state of slight period pain?????


His solution:  Watch what I eat and do more exercise.

So, here I am back at the beginning.

I must admit I had a big Black Dog day yesterday. I pretty bad one actually where I literally sat in my car in the medical centre car park and thought " I just want to disappear. Vanish. I don't want to be here anymore".
Before you all freak out I will tell you that even though I have my very dark days I would never every do anything to harm myself.  I have the best medicine in the world waiting for me at home.

You Tube.

Just kidding.

The Big Fella.

Poor bugger. I got home & just went all Exorcist on him & spewed forth my feelings of sadness & despair onto his big fuzzy face. 
Then he gave me my medicine.
A huge bear hug while telling me "It's OK. You don't have to do everything. You don't need to please everyone. You WILL feel better."
He then went & bought us yummy Thai food while I surfed Pinterest for motivating quotes & pictures of French bulldogs.

Today my brain has recalibrated. I'm cool daddy-o.

I am tracking my food with Calorie King and have made a pact with TBF that I will walk
for a MINIMUM of half an hour.

I will stop beating myself up because I can't be everything to everybody.
I can't please everyone all the time.
Starting again..... and