Grow Up Heather. Bulima is so '87.

My Mummsy has had the shittiest 2013. She got really sick and also had a lot of personal relationship stuff going down. She's still not very well so I thought I would head up The Range to The Woombie and give the old dame a hearty dose of  Mother/Daughter therapy.
Things.... did NOT go according to plan....

I suggested to Mummsy that we book in to get a noice pedicure together... you know.. so we can sit together & discuss banana bread recipes and what we will do when we win lotto whilst having our little tootsies massaged into smooth heavenly delight.

Mum booked us into a lovely sounding place at Clifford Gardens called "Feelownas Beauty" (I have changed the name of the place just in case someone tries to sue me for slander).
Alarm bells started blaring in my brain when I noticed that everyone who worked there seemed to be under the age of 20 and some of them appeared to be prepubescent (mind you - everyone under 20 looks prepubescent to me now).

We were taken into a room that we believe was actually the cleaner's closet and they had just quickly chucked the mops & bottles of Pine-O-Clean out the back. It was pretty grotty and TINY.
Instead of having two luscious recliner massagey chairs that instantly send you into a relaxed state of utopia, it seemed like they had quickly ducked out to the food court and stole a couple of chairs from out the front of KFC.

our 'comfy' chairs

The 12 year old blonde (who I will call Heather) instructed us to sit down on these straight backed hurry-and-call-the-chiropractor chairs and pointed to two large stainless steel Caesar salad bowls (also stolen from the food court?) that someone had chucked a faux lilly flower thing into. You know, to make the atmosphere all tranquil 'n' shit.
Mum's water was cold.
The water had some sort of lotion in it I believe may have been Palmolive dish washing liquid (you're soaking in it?)

After about 5 minutes of sitting bolt upright we were joined once again by Blonde Heather and her accomplice who I shall name Brown Heather.
There was no "Hello ladies how are you today?"
Instead, for the next 10 minutes they produced a Parmesan cheese grater each & proceed to shear the flesh off my heels. Then it was time for the glorious foot exfoliation & massage which involved Brown Heather slapping some sort of stuff onto my feet & just rubbing it in for a while.
No attempt at massage at all. I don't know about you but when I get a pedicure I want to be transported to a different dimension of bliss and ecstasy by having my feet rubbed & kneaded in such a way that you couldn't even publish the experience in 50 shades of Grey!

I think the HIGHLIGHT for Mum & I though was listening to the Heathers talk non-stop at 100 miles an hour to each other as if Mum & I were just some lumps of flesh that they were haphazardly mooshing with their little hands
.
This is just a small extract of the exchange:

BROWN: ERMEGHERD I just saw the totally like best movie like EVER. THE BEST. It's like the best like movie in the world!
BLONDE: ERMEGHERD What was it?!
BROWN: Whitehouse Down. OH ....MY.... GOD. It is like totally the BEST movie ever made. So like Chatum Tanningwantstotoallybethissecurityguardatthewhitehousebutohmygodheissoliketotallyhotand thenhedoesandhesaveseveryonebuttheyounggirlrunsoutwiththeflagandtotallylikesaveseveryonefromtheblastanditis rad.
BLONDE: Whoa that sounds totally awesome. Did you see that other one? You know the one where the chick dies of cancer at the end? I was like that is so bad.
BROWN: cancer is so like bad
BLONDE: yeah I know it sucks.... a lot.
BROWN: So, EMEGHERD I'm going on 5 weeks holiday around America soon and I can't wait! (looks at me) I am so totally like a mall shopping ADDICT. America has like the biggest malls anywhere. It is going to be awesome.
BLONDE: You know what? (looks at Mum) I totally HATE people touching my hair! I know right! I'll be like. Ewwww get away.
BROWN: I'm going to Disneyland. Is there malls in Disneyland?

Then after about half an hour of them just absentmindedly rubbing our feet they painted our toenails (this part was quite good). Then Brown Heather suddenly stood up and left the room .... and never came back. No good-bye. No enjoy your day. Nuthin. Like totally zero.
Blonde Heather then left us sitting with bits of tissue stuck between our toes. After about 5 minutes she stuck her head back in the door and looked confused. "ummmm you're finished".
Mum asked if she was going to remove the tissues to which Blonde Heather looked VERY confused and muttered "Ummmm o.....kayyyyyyy".

Got to the front counter to see Brown Heather now painting some old duck's nails while nattering "ERMEGHERD I cannot WAIT to see what shops are at Universal Studios".
Blonde Heather: That will be $120.
Mum & I : ..........................!!!!!

Like Gag me with a Spoon!

We paid the ridiculous fee, snorted and continued onto our next port of call...

The cinema, which is yet another tale......

to be continued..........................................................................