I WASN'T GOING TO POST TODAY'S BLOG POST ON HERE.
BUT THEN I THOUGHT "FUG IT. IT'S MY BLOG & MY BLOG IS ALL ABOUT HONESTY AND BEING ME. AND THAT MEANS THE 'WHOLE' ME.
EVEN WHEN I'M NOT FEELING THE BEST.=====================================================
Some of you might find this VERY had to believe but for most of the time I am actually not that funny. I know I know. Surely I can't be serious!
I have a weird brain. Most of the time it just sits there twiddling its invisible thumbs, yawning and then suddenly jumps up & exclaims "I just thought of something funny to write about! Quick Vicki to the computer!!"
Then I have days like yesterday when my brain says "Stuff this for a joke. I'm over it I'm shuttin it down for a while. If you can't treat me right I'm off.!" DOOR SLAMS.
I get very stressed. very easily. I'm freakin' sensitive ok. When I'm super stressed it's like a thousand radios in my mind all going at once and my thoughts overlap.
These are the things that are stressing me at the mo (in no particular order)
My Dad - he has dementia now and has recently been put into a nursing home. He is 63. He sounds really depressed. I wish I could see him more often & help him.
Work - I am so sick of working for someone else.
IVF - I don't know if we should do IVF again. After spending time with my neices & nephews I have gotten the urge again.
MONEY - That ole chestnut. I'm so sick of being a povo and being paranoid about where every bleedin' cent goes. Stoopid bills.
TIME - There never seems to be enough time to do things. Work, Sleep Eat.
BLOG - I put myself under alot of pressure to not only write my blog but I feel that it has to be 'funny' and entertaining. I suffer from writer's block a bit.
WEIGHT & EXERCISE - The constant thinking about what I should & shouldn't be eating. Planning next weeks's menu. The guilt of not doing enough exercise etc.
I feel like crap that I am even stressed about these things because there are people out there who have REAL trauma & stresses.
Yesterday on the way home from work I got the beginnings of a panic attack. I broke into a cold sweat & was very shakey. I had to get fuel though.
What else did I buy?
A MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE pack of peanut M&Ms.
200g. 28pp !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I ate them ALL on the way home. Just shovelling them into my mouth like a deranged starving looney. When I got home I broke down sobbing in TBF's arms, had a hot shower and went to bed. I couldn't eat dinner. I was asleep by 6.30pm and didn't wake until my alarm went off at 5.30 this morning.
Today I am feeling much better. Still a bit wonky and I think my brain has come home but is sleeping in the spare room.
I need to get my $hit together.
You see these movies where when people are losing it they just leave their jobs, sell their house & movie out to the country or to a seaside cottage where they write or paint freaking water colour paintings and HEAL.
Jeez I wish I could just take a month off and go stay at somewhere like The Golden Door health retreat and just eat natural foods, meditate, swim & sleep and have daily counselling sessions on stress control. Sigh.
Thanks for listening.