I WASN'T GOING TO POST TODAY'S BLOG POST ON HERE.
BUT THEN I THOUGHT "FUG IT. IT'S MY BLOG & MY BLOG IS ALL ABOUT HONESTY AND BEING ME. AND THAT MEANS THE 'WHOLE' ME.
EVEN WHEN I'M NOT FEELING THE BEST.
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Some of you might find this VERY had to believe but for most of the time I am actually not that funny. I know I know. Surely I can't be serious!
I have a weird brain. Most of the time it just sits there twiddling its invisible thumbs, yawning and then suddenly jumps up & exclaims "I just thought of something funny to write about! Quick Vicki to the computer!!"
Then I have days like yesterday when my brain says "Stuff this for a joke. I'm over it I'm shuttin it down for a while. If you can't treat me right I'm off.!" DOOR SLAMS.
I get very stressed. very easily. I'm freakin' sensitive ok. When I'm super stressed it's like a thousand radios in my mind all going at once and my thoughts overlap.
These are the things that are stressing me at the mo (in no particular order)
My Dad - he has dementia now and has recently been put into a nursing home. He is 63. He sounds really depressed. I wish I could see him more often & help him.
Work - I am so sick of working for someone else.
IVF - I don't know if we should do IVF again. After spending time with my neices & nephews I have gotten the urge again.
MONEY - That ole chestnut. I'm so sick of being a povo and being paranoid about where every bleedin' cent goes. Stoopid bills.
TIME - There never seems to be enough time to do things. Work, Sleep Eat.
BLOG - I put myself under alot of pressure to not only write my blog but I feel that it has to be 'funny' and entertaining. I suffer from writer's block a bit.
WEIGHT & EXERCISE - The constant thinking about what I should & shouldn't be eating. Planning next weeks's menu. The guilt of not doing enough exercise etc.
I feel like crap that I am even stressed about these things because there are people out there who have REAL trauma & stresses.
Yesterday on the way home from work I got the beginnings of a panic attack. I broke into a cold sweat & was very shakey. I had to get fuel though.
What else did I buy?
A MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE pack of peanut M&Ms.
200g. 28pp !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I ate them ALL on the way home. Just shovelling them into my mouth like a deranged starving looney. When I got home I broke down sobbing in TBF's arms, had a hot shower and went to bed. I couldn't eat dinner. I was asleep by 6.30pm and didn't wake until my alarm went off at 5.30 this morning.
Today I am feeling much better. Still a bit wonky and I think my brain has come home but is sleeping in the spare room.
I need to get my $hit together.
You see these movies where when people are losing it they just leave their jobs, sell their house & movie out to the country or to a seaside cottage where they write or paint freaking water colour paintings and HEAL.
Jeez I wish I could just take a month off and go stay at somewhere like The Golden Door health retreat and just eat natural foods, meditate, swim & sleep and have daily counselling sessions on stress control. Sigh.
Thanks for listening.
Glad that you posted this Mz Vicki - not only does it help the people that love you to "understand" you a little better, but it helps some people to understand themselves a bit better too. Be proud that you do this. I can't take away the stresses but I can tell you one thing - you are loved and cherished. Lx
ReplyDeleteLove your honesty Vicki. Sending you good vibes!
ReplyDeleteI must admit I am a sucker for your blog, I don't even know why either. I have only met you once and thought you were an ace chick! Reading your blog is interesting, I don't search for it to be funny or educational it is just your raw feelings on stuff and I find that interesting.
ReplyDeleteI say write your blog for you! If you feel like writing it, do it. If you don't want to be funny or overly insightful but you just want to get words out, do it. It is yours, no one else should matter.
But hey just my little thoughts! :)
Hi darling. Considering the amount of chocolate ive eaten this week... i totally understand...then i get cranky at the number on the scales... it makes no sense i know. I am of the belief of fitness/size not weight so eat what I like and go to the gym 5days a wk no matter what, i just cant diet and i hate feeling guilty for enjoying food!
ReplyDeleteIn regards to blogging do ewhat u like darling. I have learnt that i am not the only one who thinks that way, but dont say anything cause of what people might say...so thank you for being brave enough to put yourself out there, for those of us that dont.
Have a lovely Easter and be nice to you!