Monday, November 26, 2012

You're soaking in it

Now people I'm not really the sort of person who is affected by advertising. My brain usually zones out & starts daydreaming about Remix shoes or Hugh Jackman and I don't really pay attention.
I've only had two ads that have punched into my cerebral cortex and stopped me.
The first is the KFC ad when they bought out the KFC KRUSHERS. Now I hate KFC and the thought of eating it makes me gag BUT whoever is in their new food inventions department deserves a gold watch.  GODDAMM GOLDEN GAYTIME THICK SHAKE! Oh my freaking Lawd. AND the ad has people literally covered in this orgasmic cup of deliciousness. Mmmmm to be drenched in this..... sorry where was I?
Have I had one? No I have not. Why?
Because I know that it will be a life changing experience & like a crackie behind the dumpsters in a alley I will be hooked.

The second ad is for a private health care fund. I won't name them but the motto is:
"Find a Healthier You". Watching these ads immediately causes my bottom lip to quiver, tears to well up in my eyes and for me to clutch at my hubby's meaty bicep whimpering "sniff ... It's me...sniff... I can so relate... sniff. .. It's so sad.. look at them. looooooooook.....  sob".
In the ads people see or meet the newer healthier version of themselves while they are looking like total crap. They normally give their new self a big hug and they have tears in their eyes.

I guess I see alot of myself in these ads. I can't wait to meet the healthier and frankly bullshit slamming sexy hot version of myself.
If I was sitting in a cafe & the new version of myself walked in I would give her a hug & probably squeeze her arse while exclaiming in my worst Ghetto accent "Damn Gurl You Is Fyne!".
She would then probably answer " Get your chubby stubby dugong fingers off me woman and get out and go for a jog and stop bitchin about your dodgy knees!"
Does this ad make me want to take out private health insurance??..
No... no it doesn't.
Does this ad make me want to get off my arse & improve myself?
It sure does.

nice walking path at Redcliffe waterfront

In other news... Yesterday I went for a big powerwalk along the waterfront. I walked for 50 minutes.
It was lovely (except I wore my new fandangled magneticy knee brace thingy & it sliced into my flesh behind my knee like something Jigsaw would have used in the movie Saw... so I had to take it off). I still did the step-ups but instead of doing the Basketball jumps I did some lower half squats. I find that my knees are ok if I don't squat & then fully extend but do little quick reps.
I gotta tell you that walking really really makes my dodgy coccyx (giggle... that word) feel heaps better.
It must warm up the glutes and stretch it out. And trust me .. I got alot of glutes.
I'm nervous about weigh in tomorrow. I'll be devo'd if I've gained.
Fingers & toes crossed.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Week One -

I'm in the wars people.  Vicki has her cranky pants on.
Let me explain. About a month ago I slipped arse up on our stupid slippery front porch & came slamming down on my arse on the top step. (see video above for re-inactment).
Now you would think that the multi-layers of lard would have prevented an injury kind of like an air bag in a car but noooooooooo.
I thought I had broken my hand and I jarred my back something chronic.
However, me being me I told myself to Harden the Fuck Up and stop my girly whining and get on with it. I'm such a dickhead.
One month later & the pain in my lower back has become unbelievable. On Thursday I had everything going. Nurofen O.Ding, rubbing a mixture of Deep Heat and Voltaren Gel, heat packs & finally the best invention in the whole universe.. the TENS machine.
Thankfully I was able to get an appointment with the Osteopath on Saturday.
After giving me the most excruitating massage ever she advised me that it was highly likely that I have fractured my coccyx (a word I never tire of saying). Massage & time are the cure.
I have bought myself one of those sexy donut cushions to sit on at work and have loaded myself up with Voltaren tablets.

But osteo lady has advised me not to run. FACE PALM. 
I was a good little 12wbter & got up at 5.30am on Saturday to do my SSS. I did the Outdoors one but at home in my lounge. I was totally kicking arse and sweating like a crazy. In my third round I was doing the lunges and trying not to wake up hubby with my unlady-like grunting when I felt something tear in my left crunchy knee. I almost went down like a sack of spuds.
I don't know WHAT the hell I have done. I can walk ok but it hurts alot when going down steps.
I'm pissed off because I was really looking forward to upping the anty with my exercise this round.

In positive news........... My first weigh in on Wednesday was great with a loss of 900g.
I have been a good girl and sticking to my food & exercise programme.
Saturday night I went to Dwight Yoakam at The Brisbane River Stage with the MIL and was proud of myself for avoiding the hot chips & hot chocolate drinks (omg they had flavours like Caramel Mars, Jaffa and Cherry Ripe hot chocolate!) I stuck to my skinny flat whites. It was a great night.
I will NOT be using my defective body as an excuse to stop exercising (like I would have in the past). I will persist but I will power walk instead of run. I'm not sure I can do instead of squats & lunges.
It just makes me bloody cranky.
Stoopid 40 year body.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

I'm on my way from Misery to Happines Today. Arha Arha Arha Arha.

Well what a weekend!
TBF & I started by watching the Star Wars Trilogy on blueray on Friday night & half of Saturday.
Man I love Star Wars. Han Solo Mmmmm

Saturday night we headed out into the stormy weather to go to my work Christmas Dinner which was at an Italian restaurant called "Tartufo"at Emporium in the Valley. It was lovely. The restaurant decor is very deco and the food was wonderful. I TRIED to eat healthy. I had a little bit of everything. To be honest the food was all pretty healthy and all made fresh on the premises.
I had a chicken liver pate thingy for entree and the linguini seafood for main.
I skipped dessert & had a skinny latte. I highly recommend this restaurant.

Chrismas Party Loo Shot
Sunday morning I was up at sparrow's fart to go to Newfarm Park to meet my fellow Round 4 12wbters to do our fitness test as a group. The weather was shitful.. Was that going to stop us though??
No friggin way!
I was VERY nervous, as I always am when meeting new folks. I tend to blather on at a hundred miles an hour like a looney and worry that people are going to think I'm a nut-bag. (note: I actually AM a nut-bag but I just don't like people to know) . I also have a tendancy to swear like a drunken truck driver which tends to put people off. I needn't have worried because there were a stack of women (and one bloke) there of varying sizes, shapes, fitness levels and weights and they were all so friendly.
I was stoked to be able to meet face-to-face a few people that I chat to on Facebook. Turns out these people are even more fabulous, funny and amazing in person.

First off we had to do our 1km time trial. I had come equipped with my ipod shuffle with my Prodigy running track ready to rip my ear drums out. It was so rad doing the run/shuffle/walk/gasp with a stack of other people egging you on. It was drizzling with rain too which I thought made it even better. I did my 1 km in 7 minutes & 18 seconds.
Next up was the sit-up test. Turns out I have the core strength of a regurgitated jelly fish.
Then how many push-ups you can do in 1 minute. By this time it was raining which was awesome because it felt like I was participating in some sort of Bear Grylls extreme sports thing.
I can do 30 push up on my knees in one minute.
Then it was time for the torture. The Wall-Sit. You've got to sit against a wall for as long as you can.
Now I've got leaning drunkenly against walls down pat but sitting... geez louise.
I lasted 1 minute and 2 seconds and it felt like my quads were going to explode.
(One lady sat for 4 minutes!!!!!!!!!!! Bloody Hell.)
At the end of it all ... in the teeming rain I am so glad I went. I've never been included in any sort of TEAM sports event without people pointing and laughing at me or throwing wet tennis balls at me.
There were some AMAZING INSPIRATIONAL chickies there too. Who have already kicked some serious arse doing the 12wbt and are now there to inspire the rest of us.
(I'm looking at you Kate & Aedita) They are my new super heroes. Infact Kate is in the latest issue of New Idea magazine. OMG I met a celebrity!!!!!
It was so good to meet a bunch of like minded peeps all with the same goal of losing weight, getting healthy, feeling energetic, increasing our self esteem and looking super frickin HAWT.
Thank you SO much ladies for organising it.
WE'RE ON OUR WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Let's Get Ready to Rumblllllllllllleeeeeee!!!


I am visualising Bruce Buffer (from UFC) bouncing into the octagon.

Welcome to Round Four of the Michelle Bridges 12 week Body Challenge.
In the red corner we have the sassy Blonde from Redcliffe weighing in at a dissapointing 196 pounds. This rockabilly minx has competed in the last three rounds and is finally ready to dish out some serious ground n pound. She has a black belt in procrastination, has a gold medal in apathy and is the currant world champion in out of control portion sizes!
Please welcome to the floor..................

This morning TBF took my BEFORE photos of me in my sexy (not) undies & bra. I got him to take a front, side & back one. HOLY SHAMOLEY. When I uploaded them into my photobucket account I seriously nearly vomited my morning Jalna yogurt into my own mouth.
I cannot BELIVE TBF would want to have sexy times with me unless it was in a pitch black room while wearing a blind fold after he had his retinas physically removed, was doped to the eyeballs on LSD and had his mind's eye poked out. God So so so gross. shudder
Tomorrow I have to do my measurements which I'm sure will horrify me even more than watching a Rob Zombie flick at home alone.

See this picture of a walrus in a bikini.... It is WAY better looking then me.

And NO there is NO WAY IN HELL I would EVER post the pics on here.
I couldn't do that to humanity. Needless to say whenever I even THINK about how I look a smattering of bile rises in my throat. GAG.
Instead I will post a photo of how I am GOING to look at the end of Round 4.
TBF is going to have to build up his muscles because he will be fighting off men with a big stick because I am going to look so slammin frickin HAWT.
My goal.... get into the 70s by the end...
and to look EXACTLY like Scarlett Johansson in this pic.
I don't think that is too much to ask for is it????
TAP OR SNAP BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, November 12, 2012

Always look on the Bright Side of Life

Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad.
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle,
Don't grumble, give a whistle.
OK my widdle sticky-chickens, I've had my one day of doldrums and had my whingey bitch and I'm now over it. Sorry to be such a drainer yesterday.
Yesterday arvo as soon as that second hand ticked over to 4 o'clock I ran like Usain Bolt to the forbey to escape The HOuse of the Screaming Radish (our workplace nickname). I had finally reached the safety of my fortress of solitude in the silence of the Nissan. EXHALE.
The Big Fella was waiting at home with the poochies ready to hit the boardwater for a noice big mega walk. Walking with TBF forces me to power walk as he is a giant man & I have The Tiny Legs so I am racing to keep up with his freakish long tree trunk legs.
Within half an hour I could feel the depression being sucked out of my skull like dust bunnies up a Dyson.  I was also excited because I had downloaded a new app called
It tracks your distance and time etc.
This is what we did yesterday.
I was actually walking 6 km/hr for most of the way. the 4 km / hr was just at the end.
We all felt great at the end of the walk.
(my shit feet were bloody sore though. Stupid non-existant arches)
It was so nice to have all the furries with me.
We got home & I cooked up the 12wbt Lentil Loaf which is one of my FAVOURITES.
I'm back on track today in a big way.
We are going walking again this arvo.
PS: Just a reminder that you can actually FOLLOW my blog. On the right side of the screen you can click follow by email or be a subscriber. That way whenever I do an update I will let you know STRAIGHT AWAY! You can instantly stay up to date with all my blatherings!

Sunday, November 11, 2012

This is my United States of Whatever

I've cracked the sads.
Today I've got a case of the wonky donkey brain.
I'm down.
No reason.
Sometimes my brain turns to mushed up potato salad and says "Whatever. I'm over it. I'll be over here in the booth in the back corner if you want me".
I just cannot wait for work to be over so I can get back to Da Cliff and go for a noice big walk along the stinky waterfront and blow the cobwebs out.
Then get home & tear that bra off (bliss), have a searing hot shower, cook some lentil loaf and go to bed.
I'm just over it.
Over everything.
My earrings thing.
My weight.
My crappy feet.
That I can't watch Dexter Season 7 yet.
My hair is shit.
My gut is big.
My heels are cracked.
Why can't I just lose 20kgs in one week.
Shit. Bum. Shit. Pout. Feet Stamp.

I did my stand at the markets. Lots of lookers but no buyers. Sigh.
I made enough to cover the cost of stand & to buy a large skinny flat white & a slice of gluten free orange cake. It was nice to get out of the house & people watch though. Even if those people were all hipsters & weird pirate hippies. I won't do those markets again.

Only 1 1/2 hours to go til I'm finished work today.
Lawd give me strength.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

He fashioned an enormous diaper out of poison ivy. Wore it on his head like a tiara. Called himself "King Itchy".

Firstly, can I just say that I am mega mega excited to hear that the 12wbt FINALE cocktail party is going to be held here in Brissy. This has just added to my motivation to peel layers of gooey fat from my body.
I want to go to the cocktail party with my vomit inducing BEFORE pictures and nod at people and say "Yep Yep I know. Hard to believe but that woman who looks like a dugong with pincurls was me. Yes I do look AMAZING now. So svelte. Like a Sunrise."
I look forward to sitting down with Mish (my BFF) over a mocktail or two and comparing notes on protein snacks & heart rate moniters. I'm sure she'll set aside time for me.
I'm also looking forward to meeting other 12wbt cult members. They are bull-shit amazing.
I've already picked out the cocktail frock I want to wear.
Think figure hugging Joan Holloway Man Men-ish fwarrr saucy minx stuff.

This week I cancelled my gym membership. I'm glad I did. I took the four-legged kids for a big walk along the waterfront. I have two staffies. One hyperactive cross red cattle (called Sabi) and one lazy black blob cross kelpie (called Bovver). We have these special harnesses for them because they are really strong.
They LOVE going for a walk and sniffing & pissing on everything.
We walked for one hour and it would have been really lovely except the smell from the water was like rotting possum and the beach was covered in fetitid seaweed and manky dead jelly-fish.
The dogs were in heaven. I concentrated on breathing through my mouth.
Other than that it was great.
I forgot to wear my heart-rate monitor so I'm not sure how many calories I burnt. 

Yesterday, as part of my new outdoor/home workout plan I did the Tight Toned & Terrific DVD.
STONE THE BLOODY CROWS! What a work-out! The sweat was pouring off me! Harvey the Evil Pookah cat was NOT amused by my dancing around the loungeroom disturbing his post nap snooze.
Once again I forgot to wear my heart-rate monitor so I don't know how many thousand calories I burnt. It seemed like ALOT.
This weekend I am having a stand at the West End Twilight Markets . I make & sell fabulous florally vintage style earrings. Lucious Lobes for Lovely Ladies.
If you would like to buy my awesome earrings just go and LIKE the Facebook page & have a gander.
ANYWAY.... Around this time last year I had a stand at the markets & it was brilliant so I decided to do it again. Last time, however, we spent all the profits on food. You see, at these markets are food vendors. Not JUST any ole food vendors. Food vendors that cook & sell UNBELIEVABLY yummy food. SO everytime we sold some earrings we went to a different stand & bought food.
I ate my body weight in Organic Vegan food, Gluten free cupcakes, Organic Coffee, Honey Puffs and masses of Halloumi.
Organic = Low Fat RIGHT?????
I really MUST try to restrain myself this time.
Have a great weekend everybody!!
Be Safe.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts? The carrot cake contains... no nuts


1 x bowl of high fat vanilla ice cream covered in one litre of Ice Magic (followed by me dancing around Mummy's house on a sugar high singing "I love Ice Magic do do do do doooooo I love Ice Magic do do do do dooooooo Ice Magic Yaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrr Ice Maaaaaggggiiiiccccc"
1 x mega huge Man Vs Food size club sandwich with hot chips
1 x more serve of hot chips (different meal)
1 x piece of large carrot cake
5 x home-made apple carrot & all-bran muffins (consumed in one day Yes ALL-BRAN muffins)
6 x slices of Pizza Capers Pizza (various styles) gorged just now while watching Melbourne Cup.


Exercise since last Wednesday Spin Class = Zilch Nip Narda



I have decided that for Round 4 I am going to cancel my gym membership & exercise....
OUTDOORS!!!!!!!!! Yes in Public. With The General Public.
I live at Redcliffe.
It is a bayside town.
It is beautiful. (if you pretend not to see the bogans)
It has miles & miles & miles of walking tracks along the pristine waterfront. 
My plan is this:
Get home from work Grab husband Grab pooches. Walk Walk Walk.
Jog Jog Jog
Walk Walk Run Jog Walk Gasp Swear.
Goddamiit I am GOING to do it.
I can just visualise myself decked out top to toe in JFDI attire powerwalking & jogging along the water. Nodding in acknowlegement at the other exercise buffs like me. The sun glistening off my fluro white flesh searing the retinas of the people I pass.
I REALLY REALLY feel the need to be outside. I don't want to get stuck inside at the gym.
I will miss Spin classes but this may very well inspire me to sweep the cobwebs & cockie poo off the the ole deadly tready that I paid a small fortune for about 5 years ago that I then proceeded to ride a grand total of about 4 times before putting in the shed, covering it in a tarp and neglecting.
This is no whaever run of the mill bike. Oh no.
When I sold my investment property TBF & I went ALL OUT and got super duper flash as a rat with a gold tooth Electra bikes. None of this Big Dubber You  Cruiser Bike shite for me Oh No.
I got me an Electra Red Betty. Fuck Yeah.
The Ultimate in pretentious hipster rockabilly vintage retro lovin' cool.
The poor darling has been locked away for years.
I am a BAD bike owner.
NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!