Wednesday, May 29, 2013

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant....because I believe in myself - Hannibal Buress

Well lock it in Eddie. TBF & I are about to board the IVF train again. ROUND FIVE.

We have decided that we haven't pissed nearly enough money down the drain, gone through enough emotional trauma or had enough needles.

It began last week. For some reason the clinic needs a new letter of referral from our GP. So we ducked into the medical centre. It was 10 minutes to closing with no patients waiting at all.
Dr Meenospeekadaenglish was the only one on. We were in & out of his office in literally 2 minutes. We didn't even sit down. He didn't even have to write the letter as it was already on my file from last time. He literally grunted at us, pressed print, signed it & put it in an envelope and muttered something at us about taking the green slip to the desk.
The slightly bedraggled receptionist (you couldn't pay me enough to work in a medical centre) took the green slip.
Like the slug lady in Monsters Inc she drolly says "That's $81"
"Ummm Exsqueeze Me? Baking Powder? $81!!!"
Good old Dr Menospeekadaenglish doesn't bulk bill.
"You get $31 back on Medicare".
"We didn't have a consultation!!!!" I shrieked "We were in there for 2 minutes! He didn't DO anything!!!"
Too bad So Sad. $81 Thank YOU.
Thursday arvo we had our appointment with Dr Dollars about doing another round of IVF. He agreed that yes we must be ready for a holiday on the Funny Farm but assured us that it IS VERY POSSIBLE for us to get up the duff. (he is probably mentally rubbing his hands together visualising his new Maserati)
We are going to start in mid July which should be enough time for me to sell a kidney on EBay and for TBF to sell himself on the street to raise the funds.
(either that or wait for Bendigo to process our personal loan).
So here we go again.
Needle tummy jabs
Blood tests
Internal ultrasounds that make you feel like you are in some sort of weird adult film
Under anaesthetic to have any eggs HARVESTED. Yes HARVESTED. Ewwww.
TBF gets the needle in the goolies.
The eggs and sperm meet in a petrie dish. Have a romantic dinner. Put on some Barry White and hopefully git it orn.
Then if the little suckers grow ...
I get to go in & get it implanted into my bits like something out of The Matrix.
Then the horrible two week wait chanting to myself "just don't think about it just don't think about it just don't think about it"
Then if it is positive....
the nerve shredding 12 week wait chanting "just don't think about it. am a nauseous? just don't think about it. are my boobs sore?. just don't think about it"

So, If you don't want to read about TBF jabbing me with tummy needles, stories of excess bloating, blood tests and having weird things shoved up my.... well you know then I suggest you unsubscribe from this blog.
It's a nerve shredding experience that can transform even the most calm collected peace-out man person into a blubbering over-emotional wreck. Thank YOU massive hormonal upheavals!
The worst pain of all though is the tearing, ripping & shredding of the bank account.
OUCH! The scar from last round STILL hasn't healed.
All this so we can have our very own poo-machine. We must be mad.

The common reaction to this has been *THUD* as the jaws drop to the floor followed by "What?! I thought you swore NEVER AGAIN!"
I think I will be OK no matter what the outcome. With each time we do IVF we get a bit less stressed because we know what to expect now.

We decided that "you know what... fuck it" and we put it out there  to the public last night.
We didn't do this to have people go all gooey over us or for a sympathy thing. We figure that if enough people send us positive new-agey hippy vibes you never know they might just penetrate my hard spongy uterus and help produce us a little person.
I will also be covering my office in images of fertility deities & repeating bile inducing positivity mantras to myself like "My ovaries are like a warm pool of love" and "TBF's testes are toasty oceans of fertility and life". GAG.

I WILL of course be blogging about my experiences. My narcissistic life has always been an open book. A book similar to a Clive Barker or Stephen King book yes but.........
I'm really NOT that egotistic. I actually genuinely like to make people smile & help people.
If someone is thinking about doing IVF I would rather them not be ashamed or embarrassed. I would rather tell it WARTS N EMBRYOS N ALL.
If anyone has any questions ... yep I will try to answer them.

I know some of you might whisper behind your hand "but what if she miscarries or doesn't fall? That'll be bloody awkward"
WELL SHIT. That will fucking suck and we will deal with it if it happens.

So welcome aboard as the tummy stabby stabby jabbies begin again soon.

In the meantime,  I have Rusty Pinto gig this weekend, The Colour Run on Sunday, a long girls weekend with Mummsy & Le-Le, a Come-as-a-Children's-TV-character party and an Ugly Sweater BBQ before all that begins.

I have GOT to try & figure a way to get some exercise into my daily routine. I am SOOOOO slack and I really have to get some blood flowing to the nether regions.
Too much information? You ain't heard nothin' yet.

Thanks for the support.


Sunday, May 26, 2013

I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak" - Linda Evangelista

On Saturday I had the pleasure of being a model in the above fashion parade fundraiser to raise money for cancer research.  I'm not one to shy away from being on stage in front of people and I relished the opportunity to be able to strut my stuff for charity in some fabulous vintage wear provided by Atomic Martini Vintage. 
It was also a good excuse for a bunch of us vintage-lovin' dames to get together again and have a few laughs.
The Che-Jazz Dance Centre quickly filled up with around 50 ladies whose average age was around 70. The change room upstairs resembled back stage of Milan Fashion Week darlings with hats & gloves flying all over the place! We even had our very own hair & makeup artist extraordinaire Megan Wardlaw there to make sure that we all looked fabulous.
Then it was time to shake our little tushes on the catwalk.
The lovely Lisa the Madam of Atomic Martini Vintage


Mz Chelsea aka Mz Stitch n Bitch

Mz Barbara

Mz Mae Em

Mrs Katrina & Miss Prudy

Mz Billie & Miss Sanja
We were met with gasps and oohs & ahhhs from the appreciative crowd of elderly sophisticates.
It was so lovely to see the smiles from the audience as I am sure that seeing us probably took them back to 'the good ole days' of dancing up at Cloudlands.
We all had a wonderful time mincing up & down the room.
The lovely Lisa then used me as a mannequin to demonstrate different ways to tie silk scarves and to wear beautiful hats. I LOVE hats so I was loving the opportunity to try on some lovely head wear.
I am very skilled at being a statue. Just look at that microphone grip!

After the parade had finished we were invited to join the ladies for afternoon tea. 
OMG Afternoon tea! What an understatement!
The table was practically bowing under the weight of a massive buffet of homemade cakes, slices, sandwiches, mini quiches & lamingtons!
We all agreed that would rude & impolite not to have a wee sample of everything.
I shudder to think how many points I consumed BUT it was lovely standing around chatting to the old ladies.  It was such a wonderful day spent with wonderful ladies.
My FAVOURITE outfit of the day. Beautiful blue & green Pendleton Cape Jacket


Saturday, May 18, 2013

25. The Sessions (2012)

What is it with me wanting to watch movies about people with disabilities lately?!
As I wrote in my last review, I love movies that are 'honest'.
Particularly films about 'touchy' subjects. Like ones that ask the question "How the heck do severely disable people have sex??"
The Sessions is very much in your face candid.
This is based on a true story about poet Mark O'Brien who is paralysed by polio from the neck down. He is played by John Hawkes who is absolutely incredible.
Helen Hunt (who I am not a fan of) is the sex surrogate he hires to lose his virginity to and to teach him about sex.
William H Macy (who I love) is the priest with whom Mark confesses his feelings & fears to.
These sessions are in themselves hilarious but always with an undercurrent of despair.
The movie is everything. Blunt, funny, sad, beautiful, poetic and lovely.
The sex scenes are very explicit but are a far from being crass and obscene.
By the end of the film, like the female leads, you can't help but fall in love with Mark.
I was a complete blubbering mess by the end. Not because of sadness but because it was just so wonderful.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Augustus Gloop! Augustus Gloop! The great big greedy nincompoop!”

Weigh in night last night. Gained 800g. Not unexpected due to TTOM when my ovaries suddenly fill with lead. I was kind of hoping for a smaller gain though. * sighs audibly *
Since the weather has cooled down something has happened to me.
A stirring.
A yearning.
An ache.
A longing.
An urge.
For chocolate.
Shitloads of chocolate. Mountains & mountains of the stuff.
Dark, White, Milk I don't care.
I have a problem. I need to go to CA. Chocaholics Anon.

 Last night after my meeting I was feeling a bit down about my gain and a bit stroppy that it seems like I will NEVER crack the 85 kilos.  It was late. I was hangry. (combination of hungry & angry).
Iwas stuffed if I felt like cooking and TBF didn't either so I popped into Coles.
"Shit what can I get that will take 2 seconds to cook *grumble*. Stupid weight. *mumble* Bloody fat arse * moan* I don't give shit anymore *whine* That'll bloody do" I muttered to myself as I grabbed the Coles brand Indian takeaway food knowing full well the Pro-Points of these are on average about 5000 points each. (actually I calculated it at 30PP).
On the way out something caught my eye.
CARAMEL KIT-KAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep I bought it. As I was shovelling it into my mouth with no regard for eating it one stick at a time I was very aware of the thoughts & feelings inside of me.
The emotions went as follows:
Look I know that WW is all about NOT depriving yourself BUT my Gawd people I am having sweets almost EVERY day. I am CRAVING the stuff.
I sometimes wonder if because I no longer drink grog my brain and body is looking for a replacement.
I've had a shit of a day so I DESERVE this Cadbury Marvellous Creation.
I did 45 minutes on the bike last night so I DERSERVE this box of Lindt choc balls.
I watched Bondi Resue without making any smartarse comments so I DESERVE a apple & walnut scroll from Bakers Delight.
It's bloody cold so I NEED not one but two white chocolate & blueberry scones.
Afterwards it's like I suddenly wake up from my chocolate induced trance and look around dumbly "Huh? What happened? What's this brown stuff around my mouth? Why am I covered in crumbs?"
Mental note: Stop looking at the Food & Drink catergory on Pinterest.
OMG all those pictures of cupcakes, cakes & brownies.
Help me people.
Save me from this delicious glass n a half cacao nightmare.
Hello my name is Vicki
And I'm a chocoholic.

Monday, May 13, 2013

I don't have a Dirty Mind I have Sexy Imagination

Well hello there! How're doin?
I just thought I'd pop in to say G'day.
I had a relatively uneventful weekend. Housework etc etc. Early Saturday we did pop over to the other side of town where our friends were having a big combined garage sale. I got a luverly vintage blue lace cocktail frock and a Trophy Brides CD. Score!
I made a very very bad / poor / awful / yummy / evil food decision on the way home.
TBF was hungry so we stopped at Brew Bakers Bakery.
OK I must tell you all. If you are watching your weight you must avoid this place. So so so many delicious tasty tasty delicacies. Oh my.
I got a large Di Bella coffee and A CHOCOLATE BROWNIE. Not just a chocolate brownie but a chocolate brownie the size of a house brick that was still warm from the oven. Holy moley.
It was sickeningly sweet and was just like eating hot chocolate cake batter.
Saturday arvo we popped down to our local barbershop 5 O'clock Shadow that was hosting a bit of a knees-up and had one of my favourite local rockabilly bands West Texas Crude playing.
The place was chockers with a real mix of cool cats and hipsters (and one daggy blonde). I stayed for one set but was still feeling like crud and was very very ty-ty so I left TBF to party with the gang and I went home & had a nanna-nap. I heard the afternoon got quite raucous and totally went orf!!

Sunday morning I had a very noice sleep in and had a day of bumping around the house. I cooked up a mega batch of Jamie Oliver's Chicken & Vege soup from his 15 minute Meals cookbook.
I tweaked the recipe a bit to make it more WW friendly though.
( I used WW bacon instead of 'normal' bacon & I left out the pasta). It is really really yummy and only 4 pp per serve. 
Mid Sunday arvo I was feeling a bit antsy and felt that I really should do some exercise.
The backyard was resembling the wild jungles of Borneo from a David Attenborough doco so I thought I'd kill two birds with one stone. I strapped on my heart rate monitor, chucked on TBF's Akubra and kicked that mower into gear baby!
Holy bloody hell what a workout!!! It took me about 45 minutes & the sweat was pouring off me.
It was nice to have a nice tidy backyard again for the dogs to poo all over.
I've got to be honest, and this is going to sound totally out there man... but... it actually felt really really good to have a big sweaty work-out again after so long.
To quote Keanu Reeves "WHOA".

Unfortunately my good work was soon to be all for naught with the arrival of Sunday night's Mother's Day dinner at a Pizza place at Brighton.  It was so lovely to catch up with the in-laws again but the menu was certainly NOT WW friendly. I had a regular Sicilian pizza (olives, anchovies peperoni) and had a one scoop of Strawberry Gelato for dessert.
Anyway, I have put the weekend behind me now.
Yesterday (Monday) is the official start day of Round Two the 12wbt and even though I haven't signed up I have decided to do the exercise component of it.
I've told TBF that AS SOON as I get home, for the next hour I am in exercise mode.
Yesterday I cycled while watching the news for 45 minutes then did step-ups & then sit-ups.
I burnt 343 calories and earned 4 WW Activity Points.
I'm feeling very positive about my plan.
I have many more exciting things I have yet to announce but you'll just have to be patient
hehehehehehe (no I'm not pregnant)
Thumbs up!!

Friday, May 10, 2013

24. The Intouchables (2011)

This is one of the most wonderful movies I have seen in a long time. It is based on a true story.
It is hilariously funny in parts, so so touching & moving, beautifully filmed (especially the paragliding scene) and left me feeling really happy and warm in my heart.
I know that sounds all a bit 'whatever' but it really is worth watching.
If you watch this movie and don't like it, there is something really wrong with you.
I just LOVED the honesty of this movie. I thought they skipped over the relationship between the father & his daughter a bit. I would have like it to have gone a bit more into that.
If you are feeling a bit down and need a movie to bring a smile to your face it would be hard for you to do much better than this film. Joyous.
(French: with Subtitles)


Thursday, May 9, 2013

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. - Mel Brooks

LOSS OF 2.1kg !!!!
BOOM BOOM BABY !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have NO idea how this has occurred. Some time during the week the Fat Sucking Fairy has snuck into my room & stuck a hose into my bum & sucked out some fat... that or the hideous mangy flu that I had may have had a positive side-effect and caused my body to go into some sort of weird kind of calorie burning shock.  I was positive I would have a gain.. not just because of my rancid eating habits of late... but because of my beautiful recently acquired cold sore on my bottom lip. Oh yes the totally feral gum herp I had a fortnight ago has now spread to my lip. I could swear that this horrible throbbing attachment weighs at least 1.5 kilos itself.  Not happy.
I can't even wear any red lippie!!!!! SHOCK HORROR !!!!
I just had to put this weird clear sticky circle thing over it which is meant to make it look inconspicuous but instead I think makes people stare at my face & think "Why has she got a wet hole punch sticker on her lip? Should I tell her? Shit Don't make eye contact Shit "
I seriously feel like taking to my face with cheese grater. I'm popping Vitamin C tabs like a junkie at a rave and am considering buying a mega tub of L-Lysine from Chemist Warehouse and bathing in it.
In the mean-time "Don't Look at Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!".

So ANYWAYS This is what my weight loss/gain looks like so far.
WEEK ONE WEIGH IN 90.1kg                 
WEEK TWO 90.6kg GAIN .5kg
WEEK THREE:  88.8kg LOSS 1.8kg
WEEK FIVE 89.1kg LOSS .5kg
WEEK SIX 89.5kg GAIN .4kg
WEEK SEVEN:  87.7kg LOSS 1.8kg
WEEK EIGHT:  89.6kg GAIN 1.9kg TTOM
WEEK NINE: didn't weigh in
WEEK TEN: didn't weigh in
WEEK ELEVEN:  87.5kg LOSS 2.1kg
I always seem to have a massive loss in the week before that bitch Auntie Flo comes to visit!!!!
It's like my body says "Here Vicki have a little ray of sunshine in your life, feel ever so light & fluffy & happy for a week. Look how loose your work pants feel ... ..... just before I peel back the lining of your uterus with a hacksaw and cause your lower back to feel like you've been in a hideous car accident and I bloat out your guts like you are nine months pregnant with biohazardgas. You're welcome   :)  ".
Thankfully it is Friday today. I am SO happy it is the weekend. I can't WAIT to have a sleep in.
I've organised my menu & exercise plan for the week and will be doing the food shopping this arvo.
I was a Little Miss Teacher's Pet last night at WW because I had my weekly plan with me and I showed our fabulous Leader Toni would then passed it around the class. I'm such a suck-up. LOL
I function SO much better when I have a list or a plan.
This weekend will be spent sleeping, cleaning up the house a bit, washing the stinky pooches, going out for tea with the MIL for Mum's day, doing some exercise and going to see the awesome band West Texas Crude play at our local barbershop 5 O'clock Shadow. Hopefully I will have time to get in some much needed chillin'.
My new clothes hanger..... I mean exercise bike.
So fits in with our vintage/retro lounge room.... not.


Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Garterbelts & Gasoline Sunday

Sunday morning & we were up at the crack 'o' dawn again *groan* for the long haul up the mountain. Another quick stop at the bakery at Logan for a giant 1000 PP meat pie and bucket of coffee.
The Sunday is a day to kick back, have a look at the cars, prowl around the stalls, watch some rad bands & catch up with approx 5000 people I haven't seen in yonks.
Miracle of miracles I was actually feeling semi-human & my sinuses had de-swelled so I no longer resembled an alien off an episode of Doctor Who.
Wooohooo. So I thought I might just frock up. I chose a noice little brown & yellow cotton vintage number that was a suitable lady-like length to mid-calf with matching (of course) bangles, handbag & hair flower clip.

The beautiful Andrea in a 'to-die-for' rayon hawaiian frock with matching bolero
After quickly locating the coffee cart & ordering the largest strongest coffee they had TBF & I had a stroll around the markets. Alas, funds are still low so I didn't buy the 30 pairs of 1950s vintage glass & plastic clip on earrings I desperately wanted (needed). sigh. 
TBF bought a couple of Max Grundy artwork T-shirts which are really really cool.
I had a wonderful time wandering around & catching up with a heap of my super-duper gorgeous glamourous sophisticated (*cough*) friends exclaiming wildly like Jeannie Little on crack.
"Ohhhh darlllllllllling. You look amazzzzzzzzing. Where did you get that faaaaaaabulous frock? Darrrrrrrrlinnggggg you're gorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrjus" mwah mwah cheek kiss cheek kiss.
Just look at the pics & tell me I don't hang with the most super hawt spunks & spunkerellas that are just oozing style out of their every orifice.
Total spunk DJ Swing-a-billy Ray

The ravishing Elisse & Kelese

Kate Miss Kitten Darling & her gorgeous daughter Jadie

The ever stylish Katrina & Karen

The Lovely Lisa who reads this blog and came up to me to tell me she loves it!
Thanks heaps Lisa You're obviously totally awesome!!! :)

Thank goodness someone was thinking because Katrina bought fold out chairs! Bless your cotton socks! So most of the arvo was spent perched under the trees watching brilliant rockabilly bands. My highlight band would have been The Ten Fours. I just love those guys. I also really enjoyed Warren Earl and The Atomic Rockers. I hadn't seen them play live before & I thought they were great.
The only time I shifted my arse out of my seat was to go get more coffee (I think I have a problem), to go get a Pacos Tacos burrito (Holy Guacmole the BEST burritos EVER EVER EVER), dance with Prudy (my friends 6 year beautiful daughter) and to visit Mz Bek of Bexterity Pin-up Photography & Your One Stop Pin-up Shop.
The totally slammin hawt Mz Bek.. the big cheese of Bexterity.
She loves me.
Later in the afternoon I even got to have a spin around grounds in TBF's soap box racer. I almost took out a couple of kids! So close. Before we left, our friend Brenton lined up his two amazing vehicles side by side & they were part of a modelling shoot. It was an 'interesting' shoot. All I will say is that model must have been pretty chilly.
Brenton's incredible Pontiac & look-alike soapbox racer
Eventually the afternoon wore on & it was time to leave. Dinner for me was BP takeaway of a super dry Chicken sanga, large chocolate chip cookie & a Daily Juice OJ.
It was a long trip home by the time we loaded up the soap boxes and dropped them at our friends and then went home & then waited for our soap box to be delivered & unloaded. So stuffed. I couldn't wait to change into my Kmart flannies and scrub the slap off my face.
Great weekend though! Remind me next year to organise to have the Monday off work to recover.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Garterbelts and Gasoline Soap Box Derby 2013

Wowzers! What a humungus weekend! It's Tuesday and I'm still knackered.
It was the annual Garterbelts and Gasoline Festival up at the beautiful Mount Tamborine.
It was a weekend of great entertainment, great bands, funny as hell friends and completely atrocious horrendous eating.

We were up at sparrow's (4 am !!!! ) on Saturday morning to make the drive up the mountain for TBF to compete in the Soap Box Derby.
(Breakfast was a big steak & kidney pie & a large extra strong coffee with 2 sugars from a bakery)
We had a team this year called  "The Downhill Bombers". We even had matching shirts so we looked totally cool and like we were a gang. LOL.
The Soap Box Derby started at 8am and it was so much fun watching the competitors hurl themselves down the hill in their INCREDIBLE creations. The work that goes into these machines is just amazing. Too many to show on here.
I'm sure if you go to the website there will be heaps of awesome photos to gawp at:
I'm not sure who won what as I was too busy just watching & being a social butterfly.
I'm just glad that I was sensible & wore a cowboy hat, jeans & comfy boots & a jacket so I didn't get sun burnt. The weather was perfect!

We were super excited to have the Garterbelts & Gasoline special guest Max Grundy (he's the one wearing the baseball cap in the team pic ) on our team racing Brenton's Gold Hot Rod racer. 
Max is an awesome artist from America.
You can check out his art at his webpage:

TBF & I in front of his racer 'The Grey Wiggle'

Another Dowhill Bomber " Hazchem "
The other Downhill Bomber
One of the Downhill Bomber racers called La Amante Verde (The Green Mistress)


The 4 Downhill bomber soapboxers
There was only a couple of 'incidents'. One racer flipped over & crashed into a hay bale and was taken away by the medics with a nasty head cut. Another racer blew a tyre & rolled it at the finish line & hurt his ribs. The last incident was a horrible tragedy that involved a good friend of mine going to one of the porta-loos & accidentally dropping her iPhone into the toilet. After I stopped pissing myself laughing , there was much discussion about whether we should try to fish it out with the 'official' wooden spoon but it was eventually decided that even if it was rescued no amount of Detol & Glen-20 would be enough to convince the owner to put it up to her face again.
It didn't help that the bloke who went in after her was in there for about 10 minutes! *shudder*
After the racing was over most of the racers & friends hit the Mount Tamborine Brewery to kick back and have some lunch (I had a burger the size of a football & hot chips 5000PP ), listen to the hilarious country band "The Fuelers" and watch the awards for Derby. I was still super crook with the flu so it was good to finally sit down, have ANOTHER coffee and swig some MORE Duratuss Forte cough mixture. 

Brenton's gorgeous soapbox racer won the Max Grundy Top Car Award
At around 4pm we were totally stuffed and decided to hit the road for the long drive back to Da Cliff.
For dinner I had an apple pie from the bakery (2000 PP ) and Mick had some frozen leftovers because we couldn't be arsed cooking. I crashed and burned by about 8pm.
TBF was still on a Soap box Derby high & couldn't get to sleep until about 10.
Maybe next year I might enter the Derby as I am disappointed by the lack of Lady entrants in the senior category (and by lack I mean there isn't ANY entrants!).
This has to change.
The Winner of the Fastest racer "The Red Rocket"