Tuesday, October 9, 2012

The Future.

Hi everybody. I guess you've all been wondering where I've been.
I'm so sorry to have just abruptly stopped blogging but I've been a bit... well distracted.
I know it was very very unfair of me to leave you all up in the air like I did.
I'll make my explanation brief......
Two weeks after my embryo implant we received the news that my HCG levels were 700! Which is unreal. Two days later I had another blood test which showed my levels at 1320! Perfect score.
TBF & I decided this time to keep our big mouths shut and not tell anybody except for our close family. This is the reason I haven't blogged. what was I going to write about???
Needless to say this whole round of 12wbt has been non-existent as the docs had instructed me that I was to have rest rest & more rest.
TBF & I had a noice romatic weekend away at Twin Waters to celebrate.
As the next 2 weeks continued I felt very very tired, super duper bloaty and had massive diarrhea (I know you really wanted to know that). I was concerned that I wasn't feeling really nauseous & my boobies weren't hurting. But I felt very very confident about the pregnancy. I kept thinking "if something was wrong surely I would feel really sick or something?"
Yesterday was Week 7 of my pregnancy & I was straining at the bit with nervousness about my scan that I was to have on Thursday.  I woke up feeling really really good.
However, around 10am I got this massive cramping pain which progressively got worse & worse over the next half an hour.  I then started bleeding very heavily.  Frantically I rang my Obstetrian who told me to come straight in.
TBF met me at the clinic and I had a scan which confirmed our worst fears.
I was miscarrying.
Needless to say TBF & I were devastated. I was given Panadene Forte and sent home to rest.
We are sad, angry but mostly confused. Confused why the 'Universe' has decided that we aren't destined to have children. I just do not understand.
I'm by no means a religious person but I do believe in destiny and that things happen for a reason.
I have NO idea what the reason for this is or what life lesson I am meant to learn from this experience.
Today I am home in bed resting up. The cramping isn't so bad today but I do feel a bit ill.
I bleached my hair today, I guess as my way of feeling like everything is back to NORMAL.
I am not one to wallow in self pity.
I understand that SHIT HAPPENS.
You've just got to allow yourself to grieve. To feel the sadness and frustration.
But then you've just got to LET IT GO AND MOVE ON.
Next week I will throw myself back into the 12wbt and start moving toward my new mysterious future.


  1. Oh golly. I'm so sorry.

    I can imagine there's nothing anyone can say or do that will make this any easier to deal with, but know that there are people thinking of you and sending you internet-hugs.

  2. Oh, that's so sad, MzVick. Big hugs for you and TBF xxx

  3. As someone who has been there ... all I can say is ((((hugs)))). Take care of yourself.

  4. I am so sorry to hear this. I hope that you !2WBT journey helps to keep you focussed on your dreams x

  5. I am so sorry for your loss. A miscarriage is an awful thing to go through and maybe even more so after the journey you have travelled to become pregnant. Much love xx

  6. Oh sweetie that is terrible news. So sorry for u both, our hearts go out to you. Many hugs and kisses. M&M

  7. Oh that's so awful...big hugs to you both.xx.

  8. Thanks guys so much for your well wishes.
    We'll be fine. I'm pretty good at picking myself up, dusting myself off, saying "Well that was Fucked" and then moving on with my life.
    Yes it is shit but there is no point wallowing in self pity.
    The 'universe' obviously has big plans for me.
    Maybe I will become a world travelling pin-up burlesque blogger writer actress like I've always wanted to be hay???? LOL
    PS: I love you guys.

  9. **Hugs** Sometimes the universe does things we don't understand at the time xxoo

  10. So sorry to hear that, know that random people that you don't know but who really enjoy your blog and find you inspiring are thinking about you and sending you hugs and good vibes :-)

  11. Sorry to read this, Vicki. Your attitude is great, but it's still hard. x

  12. I am so so sorry. I don't know what else to say but wanted you to know I am thinking of you both.

  13. Hiya, I don't know you at all, I sometimes pop into this blog to see how you are going - I first saw you on the WW site, and I liked your posts!

    Just wanted to say big hugs. This is miserable. Gut-wrenching. I had four miscarriages before finally carrying my little guy to term. So I guess I am saying I'm really sorry that this has happened, and I know how it feels. And I guess I'm also saying not to give up hope. It took me four years to have him, and he was worth every bit of the pain.

    but for now, allow yourself some time to grieve.

  14. Aww, so sorry to read this post. Biggest hugs xx

  15. Thank you SO much you wonderful people for sending me awesome warm fuzzies.
    Hubby & I are ok now. We are obviously destined for other things.
    PS: Thanks for reading my blog!

  16. Oh Vicki, I've just read this, I'm so sorry. (((big hugs)))