2016 was a pretty fucking stressful year for me.
My father finally passed away after succumbing to dementia. Dementia is a pretty fucking cruel disease. It's like an alien from some sort of nasty B-Grade horror film. This creature takes over the host's brain and very gradually eats them alive. The final 2 months of my father's life was just awful to witness. He became literally a zombie. He was dead but his brain was still firing.
My brother and I were with him in his final hours which was a very surreal experience. Such sadness at a life lost and future experiences taken away yet at the same time such relief that it was over for him. This, combined with the funeral made the first part of my 2016 exhausting emotionally.
Then I left my job after nearly 9 years.
This was an incredibly tough terrifying decision for me but I felt it was time.
Starting a new job in a completely different type of working environment (small business to multinational corporation) , with people you don't know and a system you have never used before was pretty traumatic for me. It was very much a culture shock.
I am very fortunate that the girls I work with are so incredibly patient because it was all very overwhelming. My new job is very hectic and you must have superwoman time management and organization skills to do it. Thankfully, I do have these but it hasn't stopped me having frequent anxiety attacks and depressive episodes.
NEW YEAR NEW ME?
If you are friends with me on Facey-Bees you would have seen I watched a documentary called "Embrace" the other night. I guess you might say I had an epiphany.
uncovers why poor body image has become a global epidemic and what women everywhere can do to have a brighter future.
I am so incredibly lucky. I am healthy. I don't have disease. I am able-bodied. I live in Australia in one of the most beautiful peaceful countries in the world. I am a good, kind, empathetic person.
I have a Pookah, an absolute corker of a husband, a loving family & fantastic friends.
I am blessed.
So I am a size 18. So what?!
My boobs are now longer perky and my thighs chaff. I have purple veiny things on my legs and weird skin tag thingys on my neck. Sure I could stand to be a bit fitter but at the end of the day.... if I am healthy and not on the path to diabetes (which I'm not I've been checked) then the only person who really gives a flying shit about my tummy is ME.
So this year is all about SELF ACCEPTANCE for me.
From my teenage years I have strove to be this unattainable THING.
To be a size 12.
Thin = happiness.
Healthy = happiness.
I've found that I have started getting depressed looking at Instagram. The pin-up/vintage girls on there always SEEM to look incredible with their perfect makeup and hair. Their amazing vintage clothes and wasp-waists. They appear to be SO self confident and so self assured. They look fantastic and they know it.
I NEED to stop comparing myself to this false imagery.
I KNOW that these people take off their make up, brush out their hair and chuck on some tracky-daks and have insecurities just like me. I know that they have taken 500 photos before choosing that ONE that is 'perfect'.
I never thought that aging would worry me. I always thought I would NEVER be one of those women who gave a shit about wrinkles and veins.... but lately, to my horror, I have become one.
I am 44 years old. I am a size 18. I am healthy.
Stop caring what other people think so much.
People are wrapped up in their own worlds. Stop being so bloody hard on myself. I truly am my own worst enemy. I constantly worry about what people think and hate the thought that someone doesn't like me or thinks I'm a fuckhead or full of myself because I post selfies.
I will be working on loving myself more. If people don't like me that is fine and if people reckon I post too many selfies then they can just unfriend me and block me.
No not start some new Couch to 5k or crazy bullshit exercise routine I just KNOW I won't continue after 1 week.
Just move. W
alk in a park. Swim in the ocean. Play Frisbee. Garden. Walk along the waterfront.
Do heaps of new exciting things.
Go places I haven't been before. Do lunch. Ride a zip-line in the trees. Go on water slides. Visit the Planetarium. Soak in an onsen. Challenge myself.
Clean up our house.
De-clutter!!! I have SO much STUFF. Time to get it gone.
Seriously, how many coffee cups do we REALLY need!!!!
Also, give our house a mini-make over this year. The old girl is starting to look a bit dowdy.
So bit by bit. Fix up the garden. Weed down the side of the house. Repaint parts.
A bit of a spruce up is needed.
Sew what you got.
There is a sewing challenge I've been told about that I will be doing.
The next 8 outfits you sew must come from fabric and pattern you already own.
You can't repeat a pattern and you can't buy any new fabric. It must come from your existing stash.
You can only buy notions. I don't know what the official hashtag of the challenge is so I've made up my own if you want to join in.
So there you have it.
I'm excited for what this year will have in store for me. I'm sure whatever comes my way will be exciting and challenging.... but that's OK.
I will be making a point of blogging more this year.
I find it very cathartic putting my thoughts onto the screen.
I stopped blogging because, frankly I thought 'nobody gives a fuck about what you're doing Vicki. Why do you think Vicki that people give a shit about what you are dribbling on about... what's the point if nobody's reading".
Now I will blog for me. If nobody reads it, that is cool.
If you do read my shit then I would love you to comment just so I know someone is there LOL