Tuesday, July 31, 2012

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and fries.- Stephen King

First thang's first.
Eyez be jumpin' fer joy!
A loss of 700g. Back down to 85.5kg! Woohooo. The graph is heading back down.
Goal?  To be 75 kilos by my birthday at the end of October. Can I do it???


I'm thinking about changing my blog to be about more than just the 12wbt & more about the life & thoughts & writings (diatribe) of Mz Vicki in general. It would be a blog that would highlight all the incredibly interesting things and people I see & do.
eg. Today I had boiled eggs instead of poached. The yolk was really really yellow. Harvey The Pookah meowed his apathy.... See rivetting stuff.

But I was also thinking that every week somebody could suggest to me a blogging challenge and I could write about it. Either non-fiction or fiction. eg: Write a story about a chicken ninja with a death wish or "tell me about your best childhood memory". You get the drift?

I've been told by some obviously deluded individuals that they think that I might just have a knack for actual WRITING. In school I was a mad-keen writer & used to spend alot of my time writing mental poems comparing love to various household appliances and writing short stories about ferrets and Tomato Samboys (two of my all-time loves). As usual though, as soon as I left the beige world of Oakey & hit the bright lights of Brissy in my early Twenties any creativity I may have possessed in my noggin quickly evaporated in a haze of nightclubbing, B52 shots and spiral perms from Stefans. I'm not sure if anybody would be interested in what I have to say/write. It would of course be awesome if I could use my blog for the purpose of making shiteloads of money. Naturally I am a product whore & I would be willing to promote your business in exchange for bootloads of free stuff.

I suppose this is MY BLOG and I can do with it what I damn well please. I guess if nobody reads it, it is good therapy for me anyway. Kind of like a diary but one that any ole loon can read.


Monday, July 30, 2012

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life - George Burns

Did yawl watch the Olympics Opening Ceremony? TBF & I got up at 5.30am and tuned in. I thought it was AMAZING. It gee'd me all up to tackle my SSS .

The theme of the session was... you guessed it... The Olympics. I managed to do the entire session BUT I mixed the order up a bit because I couldn't do 10 two hundred metre sprints in a row. Insane in the membrane.
I was spurred on by some new running tracks that I wacked onto my ipod thingy.
I found this totally rad website where you can find music based on it's BPM. So basically I entered in one of my favourite running songs " Clint Eastwood" by Gorillaz and discovered that it is 168BPM. So then I did a search for tracks that are around 168bpm. BRILLIANT!
The website is:  http://jog.fm/
I finally finished my SSS and was pleased to discover that I had burned 691 calories. A quick inspection of my head in the mirror confirmed that I did indeed have my once-familor red as a baboon's butt sheen to it. My legs were caning but it was a good feeling.

In other exciting news I have aquired a second job. Well if you want to call working in a fabulous shop that sells gorgeous retro pin-up clothes & accessories a JOB. I will be working Thursday nights from 5-9pm. It's called Your One Stop PinUp Shop . What a shame I will have to buy clothes from the shop to wear. Sigh. If you are in Brissy you should totally come & visit me.. and buy shitloads of stuff so I look like I am an awesome sales woman.

Me hard *cough* at work

In some not-so-rad news yesterday (Monday) my brain imploded. I woke up to discover that the Terrible Sadness had slinked into my brain while I was sleeping. The Terrible Sadness is just as it sounds. Imagine you are like Professor Xavier in X-Men but instead of being able to hear the thoughts of the world you can instead FEEL the grief & sadness of the world.
It also feels like my spoongey brain is covered in cotton wool and it is hard to do even the most basic things. So I spent the day alternating between sleeping, sitting in the sun & trying to inject some happiness into my grey matter by watching Peter Russell Clarke Bloopers on YouTube.
I think that all the stress of the last few months had just caught up with me. I have a tendancy to push down my stress and go "Pfft suck it up woman. You'll be right. Get on with it ya big nancy."
I'm alright today.. a bit tired but not too bad.
I'm just counting down the days until Greazefest . I'm looking forward to frocking up & seeing my awesome friends who are the BEST thing for my soul as they make me laugh heaps & heaps, they dance with me and give me lots of hugs with inappropriate groping.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Pour Yourself a Drink, Put on some Lipstick and Pull yourself Together- Elizabeth Taylor

Well yesterday I hit the gym again for the first time in eons. My worst fears were confirmed ...
I have gone back to having the fitness level of a moldy turnip. I did 10 minutes of power huffing on the treadmill followed by 10 minutes of hill climbing hyperventilating on the cross trainer & then 10 minutes of power pedalling panting on the bike. All of this was made significantly more excruiating because I had forgotten my ipod. FACE PALM. Do you know how hard it is to push yourself when all you have to spur you on is silent TV screens showing a choice of lawn bowls, Hot Seat or the News.
It did feel pretty good to be back on the machines again though. Kind of like a bit of normalacy is returning.
I've made sure that my ipod is packed today & fully charged so today I am going to attempt to *gulp* run this arvo.
I am sooooooo not looking forward to doing my SSS after so long and I'm even less enthusiastic about redoing my fitness test.

Today I had my weigh-in & I've stayed the same as last week ... 86.2kg. Bummer.
I forgot to do my measurements so I'll do them tomorrow. Something not high on my 'can't wait' list.
I've got to get it goin' orn because Greazefest is on in only 10 days & I want to look hawt.
PS: Thanks everybody for your awesome supportive comments. Just when I feel like giving up this blogging caper I get some awesome feedback which spurs me on with my rambling again.

Monday, July 23, 2012

There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind - CS Lewis

Today is the first day in a while that I have felt somewhat human again.
As yawl know TBF & I have been doing IVF. After a really really nerve-wracking nail biting 2 week wait we were given the news on Wednesday that yes we were 'technically' pregnant however my hormone levels were very very low. Unfortunately my brain filtered out all the BAD NEGATIVE words like "the news is good but not great" and " don't get too excited yet" and instead I heard only the words "YOU ARE PREGNANT".
My brain immediately imploded with excitement & we sent off texts filled with caps lock words & exclaimation marks to our family & closest friends. I downloaded every app known to mankind about pregnancy & went & bought calcium enriched EVERYTHING.
Unfortunately on Friday I had to have a follow up blood test & the results were not good. In fact the results were downright shattering. My hormone levels had dropped down to bugger-all and I was no longer pregnant.
I believe that in a 24 hour period I experienced the complete 6 levels of grief in one sitting finally resulting in very very sad acceptance.
The last couple of days I have been so incredibly exhausted mentally & emotionally and I guess I still am a bit now.
On Sunday we had an Alice In Wonderland themed engagement party to go to. It was nice to be able to set my hair, trowel on the make up & put on my best swooshy swooshy vintage frock.
It was a lovely day & we got to play crochet with flamingos & everything.
The food was divine high-tea platters. I ate about 50 small pecan pies. OMG they were soooo good.
And I did something I rarely do... I drink full-strength Coca-cola! (in good news I STILL have not had any alcohol).

I do feel ready to get back on the 12wbt train. I am sure that I have slipped WAYYYYY back to Beginner level again but I'm hoping that it won't take as long for my fitness to get back up again.
I will be signing up for Round Three.
I've been sitting sipping on my mug of Moccona contemplating my life and the meaning of it.
Am I meant to work as an office pleb for the rest of my life? What the heck am I supposed to be DOING? There's got to be more to life than typing out invoices & surfing the net for pictures of otters & pugs in Star Wars costumes....
When I was in school it seemed like everybody knew just want they wanted to be... I've never had any ideas. I wish a fairy godmother would go *poof* on my shoulder & tell me what I should go & how I go about doing it.
I can tell you this... I'm fanging to go on a holiday. One where I get massages & go on adventures.
I can also tell you this.. After a month of hormone injections & harrowing emotional upheaval I feel like a total slob. I have done NO exercise & have eaten very very very badly.
I just threw my jubbley arms in the air like I just didn't care.
I am back on the train again. I'm not sure where it is taking me. I guess I'll find out when I get there.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Tea for Two and Two for Tea

Yesterday at work the Australia Post bloke dunked onto my desk his big package.
Ever so carefully I tore into it like a pack of hyenas into a baby deer and lo & behold if it wasn't my prize pack for winning the 12wbt Blogger of Century (ok so I was one of  8 people who won & it was just Blogger of the Month but hay.... tomayto tomarto).
I just couldn't WAIT to get to home & start sampling some of the herbal organic teas from TEA TONIC . Such delicious sounding names like GLEW Tea (Ginger, Lemongrass, Echinacea, White Tea) & Dark Chocolate & Black Tea!!
After a delicious healthy dinner of Prawn & Vege stir-fry with rice noodles TBF & I kicked back with a noice cup of Coconut Tea with coconut, pineapple, aloe vera mixed & yerba mate. I've no idea what the hell yerba mate is (some sort of crazy hippy herby thing) but the tea was divine. Of course we simply had to sip from a delicate vintage tea cup & not my usual Kmart mugs.

Next up I tried the skincare pack from Dermaviduals . I felt all fancy because normally I just scrap the muliple layers of drag-queenish makeup off my face with Nutragena and just follow with slapping on some Rosehip Oil.
I felt rather indulgent & special.Oh La La. Skin care from Germany.

But the pièce de résistance was the handwritten (?) note from the Queen/Goddess of Health, Fitness & Awesomeness herself MICHELLE BRIDGES!!!
"CONGRATULATIONS. Train Hard. (SMILEY FACE!!). Eat Clean (LOVE HEART!!) and be the best Version of Yourself"
"Love and Hugs Michelle Bridges"


PS: In other news I still feel like a big lump & can't wait to get back into some sort of regular fitness programme.
PPS:  In more news I completely forgot to weigh-in this morning and so have spared myself the agony for one day. GULP. I am NOT looking forward to this week's weigh-in.
I'll have a noice cup-o-herbal tonight in your honour.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

“I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it” - Mae West

If you went onto YouTube now & typed in Epic Fails 2012 you would see video of me totally failing at the Michelle Bridges 12 week body transformation. Me eating calamari & hot chips, chocolate and corn chips. You would see that my portion sizes have once again increased to Mega Binge Tummy Expanding levels again. OK not really so don't rush to YouTube.
But seriously it's like because the doctors have said "No No Mrs Vicki you must not do anything physical. You must rest".. that my brain has kicked in with the old Vicki mantra "Screw it. If I can't exercise I might as well have a total 12wbt holiday".
Yep .............

I cannot STAND this whole living in limbo thing and not having a determined path.
I never ever ever ever in my life thought I would ever ever think these 3 words.
Seriously, I feel like I was making some serious progress on my climb up Mount Fitasvickster and was starting to look at myself in the mirror & be ALMOST content with how I was looking.
I had reached this little rocky outcrop where I was feeling fitter, leaner stronger.
Now it's like I tripped on a bloody stick & have gone careering back down the hill landing with a big flubby heap back at the bottom again.
I feel SO GROSS & FAT...... AGAIN!!!
AND...I saw a pic this week that has been put of me on Facebook. Oh my God.
Don't you HATE IT when you get yourself all tarted up & think you've scrubbed up pretty good and then you see a photo afterwards and you look like you could be wearing the sash that says
"Mz Jabba The Hut Look-alike Queen 1957"
From the neck up I look like my usual cheeky sassy self but OMG look at my back fat & bewbs!!!

So today I've hitched up my sexy hiking pants and started my ascent again. No more apathy.
No more of "Oh I'll just have that extra 2 slices of cheese on my sandwich".
No more of  "One Rocky Road Heaven Ice Cream won't hurt me"
No more stuff-it attitude.
Deep fried Calamari is NOT SEAFOOD.
Hot chips are NOT VEGETABLE.
Scotch Finger Bickies are NOT classed as dietry fibre.
I will fit in some sort of low-key exercise where I can even if it just a couple of squats while I wait for the jug to boil.
Bring on the 18th so I can have some sort of direction.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from internal parasites? Dr Zoidberg

I knew it! I knew that those eggs follicles weighed heaps! After THE HARVESTING they got 9 eggs. During the following 4 days 6 of them fertilised. I did my 12wbt weigh in on Wednesday and wasn't expecting anything good but HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH...
Not only did I lose the the weight I'd gained during my stabby stabby jabbies but I also lost another 200grams. How in jahosafats that happened I have no idea?!
Maybe while I was off in la la land in blissful morphine heavan in the hospital they saw some bits of fatty deposit & thought "Aww we'll just suck out that 200 grams of fat while we are here!"
I had a very very quiet weekend being careful not to go horseback riding, practise my UFC roundhouse kicks or ride a trail bike. Mummsy came to stay to make sure I was ok and fix me cups of tea.
We went for a very lovely walk along the waterfront & stopped for a noice cuppa on the foreshore.
We got word on Monday from the evil scientist (she's not really evil but I like the vision of her with a petri dish on a table & lighting flashing with her screaming "It's Alive!!". Out of the 6 eggs one of those little suckers had developed very nicely and was ready to go in. (we also now know that we also got a spare one that they have chucked in the esky for use down the track if we need it. Score!)
So yesterday I went in & had our fabbo frankenstein embryo implanted.
Last year the same procedure was like a scene out of the movie "Saw" and so I was so nervous i thought I might spew. Luckily Dr D the obstetrician , the nurse & the evil scientist lady were really really lovely & it was nowhere near as horrific as last time when it felt like the Dr was practising for the javelon throw with the speculum.
So I now have Go-Go Embryo inside me. We have nicknamed it Gustaf because it is made of the Good Stuff. They showed us a picture of it but it just looks like a coffee cup stain on a table to me.

So what does this mean for my 12wbt journey???
Well,, and I am seriously NOT making this up.... the doctors have instructed me to not do any really physical activiy for the next two weeks. They said I can walk nice little strolls but nothing that gets my core body temp up with sweating & panting and stuff.
So, I will continue to follow Mishy's eating plan but until I know if I officially have a bun in the oven (mmmmmmmm buns mmmmmmmmm) I will not be doing the exercise programme.
If I am preggers then I will change to the Pregnancy Programme & follow that... if I'm not then I will become a total gym junkie dedicating my every waking hour to becoming a super duper hawt slammin bullshit awesome pinup glamour queen. Until then my good eating habits have severley taken a back-seat (Grill'd burgers, popcorn, Magnum icecream, McFlurry, 5000 Scotch Finger Bickies). Not good.
This morning I got into work early & so I went for a lovely walk along the Brisbane river waterfront. It was very nice. I only walked for about 15 minutes but it was a nicer way to start my work day than my usual collapsing into my work chair grunting before chugging back 3 cups of extra strong gourmet Nescafe Blend 43 snarling at no-one in particular while I wait for the caffeine to take hold.
where I walked along this morning

Oh also in Mz Vicki style news....yesterday I got alot of my hair cut off (I wonder how much that hair weighed?) to a nice Rosemary Clooney style but then.......*cue horror music* I decided that if I am indeed pregnant I probably won't be able to dunk my head in that bucket of bleach & peroxide every month so I'd better dye my hair now to my 'natural' colour. I chose "Dark Natural Blonde".
The colour should have actually been called "Drab Manky Feral Monkey Blonde"as it is the most blah moussey grey brown shade and is hideous. I look like a Nanna that just doesn't care any more.
Tonight I am going home to wash my hair 10 times with Bi-lo brand shampoo & bi-carb the crap out of it to try & strip it out. Sigh.
First world problems...............

PS: Can you drink coffee if you are pregnant? Shit I hope so.