Monday, July 23, 2012

There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind - CS Lewis

Today is the first day in a while that I have felt somewhat human again.
As yawl know TBF & I have been doing IVF. After a really really nerve-wracking nail biting 2 week wait we were given the news on Wednesday that yes we were 'technically' pregnant however my hormone levels were very very low. Unfortunately my brain filtered out all the BAD NEGATIVE words like "the news is good but not great" and " don't get too excited yet" and instead I heard only the words "YOU ARE PREGNANT".
My brain immediately imploded with excitement & we sent off texts filled with caps lock words & exclaimation marks to our family & closest friends. I downloaded every app known to mankind about pregnancy & went & bought calcium enriched EVERYTHING.
Unfortunately on Friday I had to have a follow up blood test & the results were not good. In fact the results were downright shattering. My hormone levels had dropped down to bugger-all and I was no longer pregnant.
I believe that in a 24 hour period I experienced the complete 6 levels of grief in one sitting finally resulting in very very sad acceptance.
The last couple of days I have been so incredibly exhausted mentally & emotionally and I guess I still am a bit now.
On Sunday we had an Alice In Wonderland themed engagement party to go to. It was nice to be able to set my hair, trowel on the make up & put on my best swooshy swooshy vintage frock.
It was a lovely day & we got to play crochet with flamingos & everything.
The food was divine high-tea platters. I ate about 50 small pecan pies. OMG they were soooo good.
And I did something I rarely do... I drink full-strength Coca-cola! (in good news I STILL have not had any alcohol).

I do feel ready to get back on the 12wbt train. I am sure that I have slipped WAYYYYY back to Beginner level again but I'm hoping that it won't take as long for my fitness to get back up again.
I will be signing up for Round Three.
I've been sitting sipping on my mug of Moccona contemplating my life and the meaning of it.
Am I meant to work as an office pleb for the rest of my life? What the heck am I supposed to be DOING? There's got to be more to life than typing out invoices & surfing the net for pictures of otters & pugs in Star Wars costumes....
When I was in school it seemed like everybody knew just want they wanted to be... I've never had any ideas. I wish a fairy godmother would go *poof* on my shoulder & tell me what I should go & how I go about doing it.
I can tell you this... I'm fanging to go on a holiday. One where I get massages & go on adventures.
I can also tell you this.. After a month of hormone injections & harrowing emotional upheaval I feel like a total slob. I have done NO exercise & have eaten very very very badly.
I just threw my jubbley arms in the air like I just didn't care.
I am back on the train again. I'm not sure where it is taking me. I guess I'll find out when I get there.


  1. Love n hugs darling. You deserve the world!

  2. Love n hugs darling. You deserve the world!

  3. Thanks guys. I'm totally feeling those virtual hugs.... (Maria did you grab my bum?)

  4. So sorry to hear your sad news xxx