Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Too many mutha'uckas 'Uckin' with my shi'

Wednesday Weigh-in Day.
So far not really a day that fills me with dread.. It's been a day that fills me with hope & vigor.
Until today.... if I could put a sound effect on here it would be that noise from Wheel of Fortune when the wheel landed on Bankrupt. Wawawawarrrrrrrrrrrr. As I stepped onto the scales I could almost hear Baby John saying "Vicki do you want to buy a vowel *snigger*".   L___SER.
Gain of 300g. Bummer Dude.
I only have myself & my engorged fallopian tubes to blame. Thanks Aunty Flo...NOT.
I thought about going back to the loo to try & squeeze out a bit more wee but I quickly gave myself a mental uppercut. "Don't be silly Vicki" I scolded "If you trim your toenails that has GOT to be at least 150g!"

I'm not super peeved though because I have found that my clothes are starting to become quite baggy.
My work pants have got that super sexy baggy in the arse look now. Kinda like MC Hammer pants.
I have definately dropped a dress size. In the bottom half anyway. I don't think any inches have come off the Girls. Dammit. I think they are becoming a bit mooshier though. Not good.

Yesterday I hit the gym & did Monday's cardio workout.
Rower - 5 mins
Run/Walk - 20 mins
X Trainer - 10 mins
Lunges - 5 mins
Sprint/Walk - 5 mins
Abs - 5 mins
I was meant to Walk for 2 minutes & Run for 3mins but I just couldn't do it. My lungs thought I was running up Mt Warning. So I walked for 1 minute & ran for 1 minute. Better than nothing.
I burnt 485 calories.
I'm definately feeling a bit trimmer.

I just keep repeating it to myself.
Better than my previous motto:  DRUNK, DRUNKER, STUFF

Monday, March 26, 2012

Private Lemon is the finest soldier I've seen since my mirror got grease on it - Zap Brannigan

I've hurt my hips. See that wagon over there? I fell off it. I fell hard.
The last two weeks have been a bit of a write-off.
We are up to Week 8 on the 12wbt. Week 6 & Week 7? What 6 & 7?
As I explained Week 6 was the lead up to the fundraiser where I was doing my impersonation of the roadrunner dodging Wile E Coyote.
Week 7 - I crashed & burned. I felt like poo warmed up and fell down in a quivering lump of pale skin and smugged lipstick.
We are now at Week 8.

On the weekend I started to feel my energy returning & felt like I had been recharged.
Saturday I hit the gym to do my SSS. I actually POWERED through it.
It only took me an hour but I only burnt 410 calories.
Hmmmm"" I thought " Either I have missed printing out a page or I am getting fitter or somebody has spiked my baked beans on toast with crushed up Beroccas".
Mind you .. I woke up on Sunday & felt like I had been put into one of those car compactor machines.
Ohhhhh my abs Ohhhhhh my quaddy things Ohhhh that thing on my arm!!!!
Yep two weeks of NON exercise had caught up with me.
But it was a good hurty. Yep I was ready to get stuck back into the hardcore stuff again.
But..... let me rewind........
Saturday TBF & I had a BBQ to go to. I'm still off the turps so I was armed with my Coke Zero.
The food came out & OMG it was soooo yummy. Authentic mexican. Did I over eat?
Yes. Yes I did.
The worst was yet to come though.
I had... get this.... a cheesecake that was shaped like a cupcake that was the size of a SOFTBALL.
Not only was it a cheesecake. No. It was an OREO COOKIE cheesecake.
It was the most sickenly sweet sugar and cream laden thing I have ever eaten.
500 Billion calories.
I would have to do 50 spin classes, vomit, do 5 hours on the cross trainer, eat 20 ford pills, run for 10km, have diareha and sit in a sauna for 3 days to burn of the calories consumed.
My body did decide to torture me by giving me a cracking sugar headache about 2 hours later.
Then on Sunday. We had a lovely lovely lunch by the water with the fam.
I had 2 SKINNY lattes and the salt n pepper squid salad for lunch. Yumm
The topped it off with 2 SCOOPS of gelato. Tiramisu and Macadamia.
Geez Louise.
So anyways. "No worries matey" I reassured myself " I will just hit the gym in a big way this week. I'll go hard baby. JFDI has Mishy baby says".
Fast forward to Monday morning.....

My prumpets (ovaries) have decided to try & explode in protest to getting my TTOM. I stumbled to the kitchen & scoffed a handful (ok two) Naprogesic little blue miracles into my mouth.
"GROANNnnnnnn" I groaned clutching my lower abdomen.
I glanced at my feet & legs. Great Snakes! What the ???
My feet & lower legs are COVERED in red dots. Itchy itchy itchy red dots.
Now I am a super fan of anything polka dotted but on my albino white legs it is just not good.
So my plans to hit the gym IN A BIG WAY were foiled by my reproductive organs sucking the life force out of my body & my hivey covered stumps.
All I wanted to do was go home and have a scalding hot shower and cover my body in TENS machine pads, lavender wheat packs and whimper quietly into my U-shaped pillow Timmy the Third. (Yes he is called Timmy the Third)
So Mish I'm sorry ... sometimes JFDI (Just freaking Do It) (I don't say freaking) is more like GSIJCDISSU (Get Stuffed I Just Can't Do It So Shut Up).
Today I promise. Seriously.
Thank you Naprogesic & Telfast. My little blue friends.

Wonderful Airconditioning after Saturday workout


Tuesday, March 20, 2012


So exhaustion & a cold has slammed into me like an airbag on a Mazda 3.
I was powering along like Wonder Woman with a clip board & Excel leading up to the fundraiser. I was firing on all cylinders & crackin' along at 100 km an hour. I ran around the function like a jack russell on speed.
Now that it is over my whole being feels like it has been beaten into a pulp both physically & mentally.
Even my BLOOD is tired.
Today my boss asked my co-worker "Where is Vicki?"
My co-worker replied "See that slightly pulsating jello like substance with the blonde hair over there on the chair... I think that is Vicki. I heard it muttering something about caffeine earlier".
I feel like a zombie. I am just waiting for somebody to jump out from behind the fax machine with an axe screaming "You're NOT getting MY brains baby!!! ARRRRrrrrr!"
Yesterday I hit the gym with as much gusto as my aching legs could muster.
I admit that I only did half of the session before I started feeling a bit light-headed & I seriously found it hard to lift my legs. I tried to run but ended up fast walking for the 20 minutes instead.
I was so delierious I even found Deal or No Deal on the telly intriguing. Warning bells indeed.
I did my weekly weigh in today expecting a result that would have me banging my head on the wall like Don Music of Sesame Street. "I'll NEVER GET IT! NEVER!!!"
I have lost 100g.
What tha?
The only explanation for this must be that I have been about 97% perfect with my food and maybe I burnt some calories in nervous energy. Either way I am happy to accept the loss.
Tonight I am SUPPOSSED to go to crazy SPIN class but I really don't think I can do it.
If I get too run down my brain starts getting it's crazy thang on.
I feel like crud for NOT exercising but I think I will feel crudier if I do.
I think I should stay home & have cups of Earl Grey instead.
I'm off now to have a snack because I'm a wee bit pekish.

Monday, March 19, 2012

7 Days without Exercise makes One Weak

OK so I haven't done a scrap of exercise in one week. Mish would probably either go pale with rage or point her perfectly manicured finger into my chest while screaming guilt inducing rants into my wide fearful eyes.
I just simply did NOT have any time.
Oh Ok sure I could have gotten up at 4.30am & gone for a walk but seriously people......

I have gotten my fair share of exercise...
1. Beating around the bush.2. Jumping to conclusions. 3. Climbing the walls. 4. Swallowing my pride. 5. Passing the buck. 6. Throwing my weight around.7. Dragging my heels. 8. Pushing my luck.9. Jumping on the bandwagon. 10. Running around in circles.
(OK I stole this from another website but it was appropriate)

Funnily enough I actually MISS the gym. What the hell!? My muscles feel yucky and all mooshy.
I am back on track today even though I feel totally exhausted from the last week.
(For some of you that don't know I held a fundraiser for beyondblue on Saturday night. We raised $8056!)
* huffs onto knuckles & rubs them on chest*
Mind you I probably burnt a million calories from stress leading up to the event. If my face seems slimmer it's because I smiled like the Joker in Batman for around 2 days straight.
My biceps are toned because of the amount of hugging I did.
And guess what??? I STILL haven't had any grog. If yawl didn't know... I have given up the turps for good.
Stay tuned for an exclusive report on Today Tonight about BWS going into liquidation.
So I ran around (totally sober!) all night taking care of bidnez like a BOSS!
But now.....
I'm as tired as a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
Forgive me if this blog isn't my usual laugh-a-thon but I am too knackered to be witty and my nice tank is on empty. There is only so much niceness I can expell without being yanked back to my surly sneering self.

Hopefully after today I will have my mojo back yawl.
Wha evs

Me.. the hostess wid da mostess


Friday, March 16, 2012

12WBT Free Week - Eeek!

Well I've had a week where the whole 12wbt has gone out the window.
Mind you I have still eaten very very gooderer (as dumb KFC says). I only had ONE bad food experience when I slipped over and  a ham pizza from Baker's Delight accidently fell into my mouth. Seriously people you gotta watch those little bastards. There I was skipping along gayly at the shops picking up my 100th pack of cellaphane for the raffle boxes when my tummy started yelling all sorts of obsenities at me.
Oh well. *hehehehe*
Sure the delicious pizza with 7 hour old cold coagulating cheese shut my evil stomach up but I did think to myself "Hmmm what would Jesus... I mean Mish.. do?"
Then I thought "Stuff that.. what would Vick do?"
Forget it ever happened. That's what I'd do. Arrr blissful denial. Mmmmmmm
Anyway tonight is my fundraiser for beyondblue. There is 226 people coming and it is going to be a corker of a night. However, the last minutes preparations & teething problems have had me no having any time to gym it. I know I know some of you might scream
EXCUSES EXCUSES VICKI TSK TSK TSK You should have gotten up at 2.30 in the morning & gone for a run!
But you can stick that in your Funkenwagnels. I really have been hectic.
I will most definately be back on track as of Monday for sure.
I even found myself thinking "Geez I really miss the gym!"
Oh my god. What have I become!
But it is true. 4 days & no exercise except for running around in circles, chasing my own tail, climbing the walls & getting the beejeebus bleached out of my hair has left me feeling a bit....... well meh.
It ok though because sometimes SHIT.... I mean... LIFE HAPPENS.
I know I haven't fallen off the rails..
I'm ready to swan around tonight like I'm Grace Kelly at the 1956 Oscars.
"Oh thank you for coming" "Oh your dress is divine" " Make sure you buy $200 worth of raffle tickets you cheeky bugger"
Oh the life of a philanthropist!
*tounge placed firmly in cheek*
PS Watch those slippery floors around Baker's Delight!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Row Row Row your Boat Gentley Hear me Scream

Sorry I haven't blogged I've been running around like a headless chook organising my fundraiser for beyondblue.
Today I arose, did my wee-wee & stripped naked as a jay bird & stepped hesitantly onto the scales.
87.7kg !!!!!!!!!!!
My not-so jiggly-now body did a little jig. That's a loss of 1.2kg & a total loss of 2.5kg.
I am NOT below the yellow line. I am safe for another week.
Mind you I have been exercising like a woman possessed by the devil of sweating.

On Saturday it was Rowers Revenge SSS Challenge: "This is a metabolic conditioning circuit designed to test both your strength and your fitness. You will need a stop watch (and a bucket)"
It's never a good sign when Mish announces that you are going to need a bucket. I don't think the bucket is to catch the tears of joy either.
It began with a fabulous (insert sarcastic font) mix of 30 minutes of X-trainer & Run/Walk combo just to get that nice rosey complection started.
The next hour was like this:
Row like someone trying to escape the jaws of a killer shark with rabies for 300 metres.
Jump off and do some weights
Row like someone trying to escape the tentacles of a mutant giant squid for another 300 metres
Jump off and do some weights
Continue this pattern for the 45 minutes.
By the end I decided I had had enough of battling imaginery sea monsters and rowed more like I was on a merry little day out on the riverway with the tweeting birds.
I was hotter than two cats fighting in a wool sock!
I finally finished ......

On Monday I went to the gym armed with my new secret weapon in my war against jibbly-jubbly bits.
My new arm-band iphone holder. Yep now I look like a complete twat like the rest of my exercise nut-bags.
I don't care though. I NEED it for when I am pumping iron (man) and doing the rowing.
I tried to tuck the iphone into my undies but it just keeps slipping down into my gusset.
Not a good look.
Now I can exercise & drown out the noise of Nauseous Nova FM & the weird grunty noises of the man next to me on the machines (at least I think it is him.. it could be me) and the sound of the young body building lads in their TapOut too-tight Tshirts talking about chicks they would and wouldn't shag.
Now I have my continuous stream of nice soothing Guana Batz, System of a Down and Meteors.
Yep. Heart rate moniter AND hip arm band. I am SO oozing gym couture! You watch I'll be requesting vouchers from Lorna Jane for my birthday this year.....

I have also discovered that I am indeed getting fitter. On Monday I ran/walked for 20 minutes BUT... I was able to run for 3 minutes at a time!
This is a Monday miracle. At the beginning I could bearly run for 30 seconds without wheezing like a 2 pack a day old man.
I feel good.
My size 18 jeans are now too big and it's not just my imagination!
I need to wear a belt with them now!
What a shame that if I lose heaps of weight I will have to buy a whole new wardrobe of clothes.
What. A .Shame.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Moaning.

Last night was the insane SPIN class. My joy at seeing that the super-mega-uber-fit Bionic PT was back this week was short lived.
"Helloooooo everbody!" She chirped pepperly " Tonight we are going to do something a wee bit different".
"Oh shit that doesn't sound good" I thought wryly.
"Tonight". She merrily exclaimed " We are going to cycle up a humungous mountain. It's ALL uphill out of the saddle tonight. Have fun!"
*face palm*
My buttcheeks clenched and quivered in fear at what was to come.
The next 50 minutes was bonkers. Even the triathlon fit people in the class were almost sobbing & grunting "Oh God make it stop!"
The worst was one track that was supposed to go for 7 1/2 minutes BUT her CD kept skipping & it ended up going for TEN MINUTES. The song was a remix of Deep Forest "Sweet Lullaby". You had to set your gears to the "almost impossible to actually pedal" setting & get up off of the seat & just keep pedalling up the equivalent of Mount Kosciuszko.
Around the 5 minutes mark I think I actually started hallucinating that I was in the deep dark forest of Bengali surrounded by the Bandar pygmy tribe. I kept imagining that The Phantom would suddenly appear & whisk me off the bike & take me away.
"Shhhh" he whispered in my ear " Diana need not know about us. Let me mop your sweaty brow with my purple lycra sleeve".
The hynotic jungle beat of the music did nothing however to distract me from the burning sensation in my quads.
The WHOLE class was on this crazy hard gear setting.

Why are you doing this to yourself? I hear you scream.
Because as INSANE as it sounds (and is) I actually feel awesome afterwards. WEIRD EH.
But I did it... I reached the summit.
The top of the mountain.
King of the Hill

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The future's so bright... I gotta wear Shades. I gotta wear Shades.

When I did my nudey-patoody weigh in this morning I was disappointed. I have stayed the same weight.
I'm STILL 88.9KG. Bloody hell.
"Oh well" I sighed " I suppose I'd better do my measurements".
I have lost 2cm of the boobey-loobies (ay carumba), 8 cm off my waist (gadzooks!) and 6cm off my hips (sufferin cats!) in one month.
My biceps have increased by 1cm which means I am becoming totally freakin' ripped dude.
My stupid thighs are still the same though. Stupid thigh fat. *shakes toned fist at legs*
I've had people comment that they can see it in my face that I am losing weight.
Maybe I should start to measure the circumference of my face around my huge Bert Newton cheeks as well.

Super Saturday Red-Face
Well this is certainly the motivation I need to continue with my 12wbt.
Even though on Sunday I ate 4 pieces of peperoni pizza that was greasier than rockabilly's pillowcase and drank my body weight in Merlot. I prayed to the porcelain god to forgive me later that night.
I was NOT forgiven.
I will prevail.

Only Healthy Clean Foods in the fridge
I am starting to get those little polite nods from the other fitness fanatics (that's what I like to call myself now) at the gym. They give me the little nod that says "Oh Hi. You're here again. With Us. Working Out. Making ourselves buff & awesome. Only 15 more cm & you might be one of us. Welcome to the Club."
Either that or it is a nod that they are thinking "Oh my god here comes that poor unfortunate girl with the funny curl thing in her hair that turns bright red after 5 minutes & grunts in agony while doing bicep curls with only 5 KILOS. giggle. Oh shit I made eye contact. Just smile & turn away quickly".
One day I will be like them.
Lean & Strong Baby.
But with better hair.
weird knee redness after doing a gazzilion push-ups. This pic was taken 2 HOURS later!

Thursday, March 1, 2012

All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt! -Lucy Van Pelt

Yesterday I succumbed to temptation.
Before I continue I really must inform you of my list of excuses:
1. I have been quite stressed out - Upcoming fundraiser, money, Dad health issues & no grog
2. I was tired
3. I was hungry
4. It was a new sort of chocolate.
I stopped to get fuel yesterday arvo. As I lingered inside I thought "Corrr I could go an icy cold Coke Zero Vanilla" so I grabbed one. As I approached the counter I caught a glimpse of a shiny packet out of the corner of my eye. A NEW SORT OF CHOCKIE BAR!
Let me tell you. I love chocolate. Particularly those Lindt choc balls ones. Holy Moley they are like a tasty version of meth to me. My eyes literally roll back in my head with ecstasy when I eat one. Bliss.
The people at Cadbury totally have a sucker in me. I am immediately sucked in whenever they release a new sort of chocolate. It could be the same old bar but WITH ADDED brasil nuts & I will just HAVE to try it.
When Cherry Ripe came out and the only thing that had changed was they made the chocolate darker I shivered in anticipation. Ooooooo new chockie.
Whether it is Aero Bars with EVEN MORE AIR! or Snickers with NEW IMPROVED bits of crunchy stuff.
It's like I am dragged in by it's Star Trek-like tractor beam.
So yesterday I was mesmorized by the new Picnic with COOKIES!!!!
That chocolate bar was obliterated before I got to the end of the driveway.
1021 KJ.... I LOOKED IT UP.
What a dickhead.
Surely a person can stuff up ONCE and not feel like a total failure.
All this hard work down the tube ..................
Geez I'm so HANGING for a drink of Merlot. Like an alcoholic fangs for the grog..........
hang on............
Elvis give me strength.