Wednesday, May 29, 2013

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant....because I believe in myself - Hannibal Buress

Well lock it in Eddie. TBF & I are about to board the IVF train again. ROUND FIVE.

We have decided that we haven't pissed nearly enough money down the drain, gone through enough emotional trauma or had enough needles.

It began last week. For some reason the clinic needs a new letter of referral from our GP. So we ducked into the medical centre. It was 10 minutes to closing with no patients waiting at all.
Dr Meenospeekadaenglish was the only one on. We were in & out of his office in literally 2 minutes. We didn't even sit down. He didn't even have to write the letter as it was already on my file from last time. He literally grunted at us, pressed print, signed it & put it in an envelope and muttered something at us about taking the green slip to the desk.
The slightly bedraggled receptionist (you couldn't pay me enough to work in a medical centre) took the green slip.
Like the slug lady in Monsters Inc she drolly says "That's $81"
"Ummm Exsqueeze Me? Baking Powder? $81!!!"
Good old Dr Menospeekadaenglish doesn't bulk bill.
"You get $31 back on Medicare".
"We didn't have a consultation!!!!" I shrieked "We were in there for 2 minutes! He didn't DO anything!!!"
Too bad So Sad. $81 Thank YOU.
Thursday arvo we had our appointment with Dr Dollars about doing another round of IVF. He agreed that yes we must be ready for a holiday on the Funny Farm but assured us that it IS VERY POSSIBLE for us to get up the duff. (he is probably mentally rubbing his hands together visualising his new Maserati)
We are going to start in mid July which should be enough time for me to sell a kidney on EBay and for TBF to sell himself on the street to raise the funds.
(either that or wait for Bendigo to process our personal loan).
So here we go again.
Needle tummy jabs
Blood tests
Internal ultrasounds that make you feel like you are in some sort of weird adult film
Under anaesthetic to have any eggs HARVESTED. Yes HARVESTED. Ewwww.
TBF gets the needle in the goolies.
The eggs and sperm meet in a petrie dish. Have a romantic dinner. Put on some Barry White and hopefully git it orn.
Then if the little suckers grow ...
I get to go in & get it implanted into my bits like something out of The Matrix.
Then the horrible two week wait chanting to myself "just don't think about it just don't think about it just don't think about it"
Then if it is positive....
the nerve shredding 12 week wait chanting "just don't think about it. am a nauseous? just don't think about it. are my boobs sore?. just don't think about it"

So, If you don't want to read about TBF jabbing me with tummy needles, stories of excess bloating, blood tests and having weird things shoved up my.... well you know then I suggest you unsubscribe from this blog.
It's a nerve shredding experience that can transform even the most calm collected peace-out man person into a blubbering over-emotional wreck. Thank YOU massive hormonal upheavals!
The worst pain of all though is the tearing, ripping & shredding of the bank account.
OUCH! The scar from last round STILL hasn't healed.
All this so we can have our very own poo-machine. We must be mad.

The common reaction to this has been *THUD* as the jaws drop to the floor followed by "What?! I thought you swore NEVER AGAIN!"
I think I will be OK no matter what the outcome. With each time we do IVF we get a bit less stressed because we know what to expect now.

We decided that "you know what... fuck it" and we put it out there  to the public last night.
We didn't do this to have people go all gooey over us or for a sympathy thing. We figure that if enough people send us positive new-agey hippy vibes you never know they might just penetrate my hard spongy uterus and help produce us a little person.
I will also be covering my office in images of fertility deities & repeating bile inducing positivity mantras to myself like "My ovaries are like a warm pool of love" and "TBF's testes are toasty oceans of fertility and life". GAG.

I WILL of course be blogging about my experiences. My narcissistic life has always been an open book. A book similar to a Clive Barker or Stephen King book yes but.........
I'm really NOT that egotistic. I actually genuinely like to make people smile & help people.
If someone is thinking about doing IVF I would rather them not be ashamed or embarrassed. I would rather tell it WARTS N EMBRYOS N ALL.
If anyone has any questions ... yep I will try to answer them.

I know some of you might whisper behind your hand "but what if she miscarries or doesn't fall? That'll be bloody awkward"
WELL SHIT. That will fucking suck and we will deal with it if it happens.

So welcome aboard as the tummy stabby stabby jabbies begin again soon.

In the meantime,  I have Rusty Pinto gig this weekend, The Colour Run on Sunday, a long girls weekend with Mummsy & Le-Le, a Come-as-a-Children's-TV-character party and an Ugly Sweater BBQ before all that begins.

I have GOT to try & figure a way to get some exercise into my daily routine. I am SOOOOO slack and I really have to get some blood flowing to the nether regions.
Too much information? You ain't heard nothin' yet.

Thanks for the support.



  1. You are inspirational lady !! Both my sister and i are both going to be going through this by the end of the year.. slightly freaking out but hey, you have to be in it to win it. Sending all my support and love your way..

  2. Doll you are awesome and we are here for you every step of the way x x x sending fertile goddess vibes to you and your lady bits x much love x

  3. Sending you and TBF positive new-agey hibby vibes!

  4. All the best. Know exactly what you are talking about, been there and now have my little one yelling "No" at Iggle Piggle right now. Sending you fertility goddess vibes as well :)

  5. I can only guess that the reason I have never attended an 'ugly sweater barbeque' is the fact that when it's bbq weather here in Oklahoma, well, it's just too darn hot for a sweater. BUT COOL IDEA!

  6. Thanks heaps guys. It's exciting but nerve wracking too.

  7. Wishing you all the best!

  8. Tried to leave really smart luvvy duvvy comment , but as usual it didnt leave. so - you so deserve to have a bub, and you bloody well will..... and me and them others that read this will be waiting for every fecking needle and every fecking turn in the road, cos we all care and we all will be there with ya.
    So, bloody good luck sista,
    I shall now return to my hole in the ground where nothing bloggable happens.

  9. (((((hugs)))))) sending you lots of good luck and sticky vibes.

  10. Sending you and TBF positive new-agey hibby vibes too. Mz Vic I just love your blog. You should be published Warts & enmbryos and all

  11. Sending you lots of new age hippy fetility warm pool ovary love vibes!!! All the best xxx

  12. Good luck to you both, thinking all the positive thoughts in the world.


  13. Thanks heaps. My ovaries are warming up with all your positive vibey things... or I may just have a UTI. Hmmmm either way THANKS!!
    PS: foxspaws GET BACK TO BLOGGING!