Wednesday, March 6, 2013

What is this I’m drinking? It’s disgusting. It’s like a choc ice fell into a bottle of bleach. This is children’s booze! - Bernard Black

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME.
IT HAS BEEN 1 YEAR TODAY THAT I SAID FARE-THEE-WELL TO MY OLD NEMISIS BOOZE



Booze & I started going out when I was quite young. I was 14 when our relationship processed into something serious. Back then Booze was always hanging around me on weekends and always arrived at 'sticks' parties with a bunch of well-behaved older bogan lads in the back of an old bush basher Holden ute. Booze was so good to me and definately helped me forget the shit that was happening at home & at school. Booze would put his strong arm around my young shoulders and make me forget.
From 14 - 17 he went by a few names.... Stones Green Ginger Wine, Passion Pop and my favourite Jim Beam which I drank in a ladylike manner mixed with coke in a washed out 2 litre milk bottle.


When I left school & moved to The Big Smoke, Booze came with me. I had little to no self-esteem and had started having panic attacks. Booze was always there to knock me out and to keep me company in those long nights when I was alone. From 18 - 24 he had changed his name to Wipe-Out, Bombora and the exotic sounding Fruity Lexia.

 
During my early twenties Booze and I had a bit of a cooling off period. Oh we still saw eachother on weekends but I had just discovered Rockabilly music & vintage clothing and felt the best I'd felt in years.  I got married and my husband was fine with my relationship with Booze and myself, him & Booze aka Jim Beam would often have a great night together.  As I got older I discovered that Booze was alot better & cheaper if it was a nice glass of chardonnay.  Booze & I would dance & dance & dance and I found that when Booze was with me I was alot more confident, could dance much better & wasn't afraid of people judging me.
As the years went by, however, Booze started to become alot more domineering. I found that I couldn't really do anything without Booze tagging along. Even cooking dinner or having a phone conversion was an effort without Booze holding my hand.  Alas, Booze had decided that nobody else could have me.  He found a way to turn off my OFF button so when I had drunk too much he would sling his arm around me & laugh "Go on have some more! You're just getting started! ". 
Oh I was the life of the party alright.
Slowly but surely I found that I didn't like myself much anymore without having Booze around.
The problem was that if I hung around him too much I would have big panic attacks and try to hurt myself. Booze didn't give a shit about this though and would always convice me that I would be more in control next time. I believed him.
 
 
In my early thirties Booze & I decided to get serious. Unfortunately my husband & I didn't survive and we divorced.  During the following 6 months Booze & I formed a very close relationship and saw eachother everynight. He changed his name to Merlot and I just loved how he made me feel.
Then I met The Big Fella and it all changed.
He saw beyond my drinking & knew that I was a good person who just hadn't been loved properly & that Booze was just using me. TBF put up with my love affair with Booze for the next few years.
I sometimes would try to break up with Booze but I truely felt like I couldn't do without him. I didn't know who I was without him.
What if I was pathetic without him around?
What if people didn't like me?
On the 7th March 2012 I went to a friend's party and Booze met up with me there. It was a great day and Booze was there with me all day telling me that I was being funny and having a ball.
I didn't bother to eat as Booze suggested that I just have more Merlot instead.
Once again TBF told me that I had had enough but I didn't believe him.
When we left, as soon as the car started driving I went into a massive panic attack which lasted all night. I hallucinated, vomited everywhere and when we got home tried to hurt myself & TBF.
I woke up the next day with only vague recollections of the night before.
The look of hurt & pain on TBF's face was too much for me to bear.
The only person who truely loved me and he had to watch me destroy myself.
I decided that enough was enough. I told Booze to fuck off.
I've discovered that I am actually a good person when sober. I'm a bit quieter & well behaved.
I don't go around pashing strange men or friends who have partners.
I dont' try to root or come on to strangers anymore.
I think I am a better friend as I am not so self absorbed (I hope).
Yes I'm not so outgoing & boisterous but I don't mind this new quieter calmer me.
Life is better.
Do I still feel like catching up for a chat with Booze?
Sometimes.
Mainly in times of relaxation when I'm kicking back like watching a movie or at a casual barbie I think "Shit I'd love to have a hug from Booze again" but then I remember that hurt look on TBF's face and the intense feelings of self-loathing, guilt and suicidal depression that comes with Booze and I think that it's just not worth it.
 
 
 

10 comments:

  1. Congratulations on your first year of sobriety :)

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  2. Congratulations!!!!!

    The Booze just aint our friends (im four moths sober, but I have been going to AA cos I couldnt do it alone)

    Kudos babe!!!!

    xoxo Fiona

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  3. Well done Mz Vicki!

    "I hope to get sober before I die . . . and not die before I get sober" - Dr. Jones

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  4. congrats Ms V,
    I wish I could face life without the added bonus of sauve blanc. Maybe someday.
    You truly are an inspiration, and next time I am in Brisvegas, I shall stalk you relentlessly.
    Thank you for being such a positive role model for this old drunk.

    Cheers,
    Claire

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  5. I've been a secret stalker of yours for some time and after reading today's post I just had to speak up. I love the way you write, the way honesty comes from your words on the screen. You make me smile and giggle with every post. I find you so brave and courageous, I look forward to the moment your post hits my inbox. Love reading your work!!

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  6. Aww thanks heaps guys. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger eh? LOL
    Thanks heaps Shrinking Camilla for you kind words. I think that is the object of my blog. To be honest & to give my readers a giggle... I'm glad I'm succeeding.
    YOU ALL ROCK!!!!

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  7. Thank you for sharing such a blunt & honest story of your darkest moment 12 months ago.
    Congrats on your Anniversary x

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  8. I am so very proud of you too. This was a theme in many of your posts since I first started following your other blog, and you have nailed it ...one yr is a massive achievement and a great gift you yourself and your marriage! well done you xxxxx

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  9. A lot of girls that grew up in the country in the 8o's would of been hooked by the first couple of paragraphs of this post. I see some of my old self in this post too. We would be out the back of the bush drinking & then driving home in the back of drunk 17 year old boys utes, all packed in like sardines & hollering all the way. I have teenagers myself now & I freak when I think of this, FREAK.
    Well done. Your very humourous & honest to boot. Keep going. Niki x

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  10. I think you are strong and true and real x

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