I hit the gym around 1pm for my SSS: Super Saturday Session.
It was called "The Pyramid of Pain". Sounds awesome doesn't it? NOT.
Basically it involves something like this:
Chest Press Machine
15 reps @ (5-10)kgs, 10 reps @ (10-15)kgs, 8 reps @ (15-20)kgs, 5 reps @ (20-25)kgs, 2 reps @ (25-30)kgs, 5 reps @ (20-25)kgs, 8 reps @ (15-20)kgs, 10 reps @ (10-15)kgs, 15 reps @ (5-10)kgs.
By the end of your reps your muscles are screaming obsenities at you & the sweat is pouring off you.
Luckily the gym was practically empty due to the fact that it was fairly pouring down with rain outside (only the truely dedicated like myself made the effort).
Unluckily for me I had to share my machine space with Mr Masterbation. I call him this because this bloke who is in probably in his 50's is a friggin' machine! He is mega-uber-super fit. While he exercises he makes noises like he is having a great old time by himself if ya catch my drift.
I had my eyes closed on the leg press trying to focus on the building of my muscles in quads & picturing myself lean & buff in my new skin tight pin up dress when suddenly all I can hear is Mr M doing one million pushups while balancing on 4 medicine balls (no shit). This is how he sounds..
"grunt Mmmmm grunt Yeah grunt hmmmmyerrrr grunt arrrryeaaaa grunt ARRRRRRRmmmm"
I quickly finished my buff crunching session & made a run for it.
Saturday night TBF & I couldn't be arsed cooking so we decided to hit the place strikes fear & horror into every person who is trying to lose weight & become totally hawt....
To be accountable I decided to take photos of everything that I ate.
Drinks: NONE - Normally I would have drunk about 1/2 a bottle of Sizzler's finest Chateau d'cardboarde Merlot but I'm now a member of The Soberettes.
Entree: 1/2 cup of Pumpkin(?) soup with croutons - Normally I would have had pumpkin soup & added a large dollop of sour cream AND grated cheese. I could only eat half because after only eating FRESH food for the last 3-6 months the taste of processed shit is gruesome. Give me home-made pumpkin soup ANYDAY.
First Course: A mix of all the salads. The prawn & smoked salmon salad was really really good. Normally I would have had a plate filled with pasta, cheese, sourcream, bolagnase & potato cheesy bake. The highlight was standing next to an old lady as she proceeded to take EVERY piece of crab out of the huge bowl of crab/celery salad until all that was left was literally just the celery. I stood there gawping at her but she didn't seem to notice or care.
Second Course: More of the prawn & smoked salmon salad with a bit of pasta with the tomato pasta sauce and 3 potato skins. Normally I would have just had a huge piled plate of just potato skins covered in sour cream & grated cheese.
Dessert: OK I may have overindulged a bit with dessert. I had a small piece of mango pav, a small cube of banana caramel tart, some vanilla icecream with about 6 smarties followed by a cup of flat white coffee. Mango & Banana though???? C'mon it's fruit dammit.
I may not have had dessert at all if I had gone up 5 minutes later as I witnessed a small lad stuff his chubby little mitt into the smartie trough & scoop out with his grubby paws a handful. Ick. Normally I would have had AT LEAST 2 serves of dessert one being a big poo like mound of chocolate mousse with chocolate topping.
And of course I can hear you all bleating "That's all well and good but what about the cheesy toast?"
Cheesy Toast: Yes Yes I had 4 triangles of the cheesy toast. I mean seriously I'm only human!
What on earth do they do with the toast to make it so delicious. It can't just be cheese & bread!
I savoured every little bit of that cheesy crunchy heaven.
I think I did pretty damn good considering the tempations that were put infront of me. I don't feel like I missed out though and I didn't feel like my guts were going to explode like something from Alien because I gorged myself stupid. I was full and satisfied.
For once I didn't feel like going home after Sizzler & throwing myself dramatically on the bed sobbing like a woman possessed " I'll never do it! I'm useless! Why oh why did I overeat again!? Arrrrrr I'm such a dickhead!! Arrrrrrr Don't look at me! DON'T LOOK AT MEEEEEE".
This time I came home and sat on the bed, turned to TBF & said
"I wonder if that old duck put all that crab in a hidden compartment in her handbag?"