Yesterday I hit the gym to do my HARCORE CARDIO WORKOUT.
5 mins on the rowing machine warm up
20 mins running/walking on the treadmill
10 mins on the cross trainer
5 mins walk/sprinting on the treadmill
5 mins of lunges with dumbells
5 mins of abs.
During the 20min treadmill workout I was supposed to do 2 mins walking followed by 3 mins of running on an incline of 3. After only 1 run I transformed from a semi-cute pinup gal with rad bettie page bangs (fringe) to a huffing panting wildebeest. Instead I ran for 1 minute & walked for 1 minute.
I cranked up System of a Down so my earholes filled with enough noise to cover the sound of my own gasping and grunting for breath. The soothing voice of Serj Tankian helped get me through.
It was gruesome with my sweat flinging about the place.
Let the Bodies hit the Flooooorrrrrrr!
It feels like I have run to Toowoomba & back including the run up the range avoiding the cattle trucks! Wail.
As soon as that timer hit 20 minutes I practically punched the STOP button.
"OHTHANGORD" I exhaled clutching my chest dramatically.
That's when I noticed the blonde on the machine next to me. 0% body fat. Tan.
Little itty bitty shorty shorts with a singlet so tight I was like it was fused to her skin.
No makeup. Boobies screaming to be gawked at.
She was running... no sprinting. I noticed her time. She had been sprinting like she was a sexy extra in a 1970s axe murder horror film being chased by an asylum escapee for 15 minutes........ straight.
Not a drop of sweat glistened on her body. She was breathing like she had just awoken from a nice little nap. She didn't wear an ipod so she was running only to the sound of my grunts and the whiring of the machines.
She looked at me when I finished with a perfect smile with perfect teeth as if to say "Keep up the good work & one day you will be awesome like me not UGLY ICKY like you are now. Well done".
I responded by scowling and snarling at her like evil sweaty leprechaun.
She flinched & very quickly looked ahead at her imaginary running track.
Finally I finished my whole session & fell like a sack of wet towels onto the stretching mats.
I noticed people smirking at me in kind of a bemused manner.
I stumbled into the dressing rooms & glanced at myself in the mirror. (this is not something I like to do as my reflection after a workout has been known to induce severe nausea)
I was quite a sight. My sweet Bettie fringe was stuck to my head & flopping over my eyes, my mascara was smudged & I was, as usual, red like I had been in a tanning bed for 5 days.
I looked like a half drowned raccoon.
It's worth it though.
I feel great today. I went into a exercise induced coma last night.
I think I might get this quote put onto a Tshirt & wear it next to the blonde goddess next time: