You’re trying to escape from your difficulties, and there never is any escape from difficulties, never. They have to be faced and fought.” - Enid Blyton

FORTY FIVE

FORTY

FIVE

How the hell did I suddenly become 45 years old?

I'm not going to lie to you.  The last 35 years has not been plain sailing. 

No sir.  

My first 10 years were pretty fricking great. Climbing trees pretending to be living with Moon Face in the Faraway Tree, building cubby houses, reading insane amounts of Enid Blyton, Roald Dahl and Choose your Own Adventure Books, riding my bike and swimming.  

ALWAYS swimming at the Oakey Pool.

It all went kind of pear shaped around the age of 13.

 "Vicki on Xmas Day 1980. 8 years old. new togs and roller skates".

Of course it hasn't been ALL BAD. There has been some amazing adventures in my life. 

I wish I could remember more of them but alas, a diet that was mainly based on wine, cigarettes and bourbon has destroyed a vast amount of my long term memory.  All I can say is , thank god there was no social media or digital cameras.

My life definitely improved around 5 years ago when I gave up the turps for good. No more panic attacks of hyperventilating until I pass out and no more hallucinations and self harm.

HOWEVER

The last 2 years has been a struggle for this old blonde gal.  I worked in a job that was just utterly ridiculous in its treatment of staff when it came to work loads, pressures, bullying and gas lighting.

12 months of crying in the toilets, self harm, thinking I was going crazy (again) and eventually thoughts of suicide lead me to quit with no job to go to.  

This was something I have NEVER done.

I have always been of the mind set that you shut up, suck it up, stop ya whinging and get on with it.  

But it was too late. 

It completely destroyed my self esteem and sent my anxiety levels off the charts!

Couple this with seeing my father very quickly decline with dementia and then his death and now the guilt associated with "could I have done more?"

I very quickly got another job but unbelievably was fired after only a week because "I wasn't a good fit."

That was kind of the last straw for any self-love I may have had left and I fell inwards.

After about a month (and the incredible support of my husband, family and friends) I pulled myself up out of bed, whacked on some red lipstick and made a decision.

To study to work in Aged Care.  I enrolled and have started doing a Cert IV in Ageing Support with a view to work with dementia and eventually be a Diversional Therapist.

I am absolutely shitting myself. I have NO idea if I have made the right decision but at least I am heading in a direction.

After applying for numerous jobs (in the interim until my course and prac is finished ) and not even getting to interview stage OR worse getting to interview stage and not getting the job (even though I though I was a shoe in each time) I found that my nerves and self-esteem were just fucked. So the decision was made for me to take an extended break from working while I do my course, to focus on my study and to focus on ME.

It's funny.  Being 45.

I feel very odd.  Like I am floating.  I always knew who I was.  

I would go out all the time. Get frocked up. Dance. Party. 

I was a vintage rockabilly girl.

I feel like I am losing her.  

Like I don't feel like I FIT IN anymore.

I look at the gals on Instagram with their perfect vintage hair sets, tiny waists and incredible clothes and then look at myself.  I have gained a massive amount of weight, have chronic undiagnosed pain and rarely go out anymore because "I can't be arsed".

It's like I don't know who I am anymore.

BUT

I am not one to wallow in self-pity. Each day I make baby steps.  

I will NOT compare myself to the Instagram people (who I KNOW spent hours perfecting that look before taking 5000 photos before settling on that one).

 I will eat healthy food.  

I have started aqua aerobics again because the water is where I love to be.  

I will keep sewing a crazy amount of frocks that I may never wear just for the shear joy of CREATING.   

I have started to create an environment of greenery by buying pot plants to put around my house.  

I am listening to inspirational podcasts.  

I am LOVING doing my course and even though I am anxious about how I am going to go working in such a challenging job I know that I am a good person who will try my best.   

I don't know who I am at the moment.

But that's ok.

I'm Mz Vicki.

I'm Alive.

I am totally blessed to be surrounded by wonderful people.

I am grateful.

I am strong.