To be taken outside and given a good shake out to get rid of all the dead skin cells and hair.
I've been having a hard time with my blog. I love it but I also hate it.
I really beat myself up about it.
I really should write SOMETHING.
I've got nothing to write about.
You're a boring dickhead Vicki.
Shut up Vicki.
Nobody is interested.
Shut up Vicki you should just be writing for yourself anyway.
Why do I blog & why do I get so upset with myself about it when I feel like I can't?
Why do I care so much ?
I realised this morning that this problem seems to run over into over areas of my life.
I really do seem care too much about what other people think of me.
What if people think I'm an idiot?
What if people look at me and think I'm weird or fucked in the head?
(note: I actually am weird and fucked in the head)
What if I don't FIT IN?
What if people judge me and hate me?
What if I'm not a good person?
I really didn't think that I thought this way.
But I realise that I do.
Sometimes it is hard being part of a 'sub-culture'. The vintage "scene" is very much about appearances and this can (if you let it) put a bit of pressure on a girl sometimes.
To fit in.
I know that I AM a vintage loving gal. That is WHO I AM. It's not a phase.
I couldn't even IMAGINE dressing in 'modern' fashion or doing my hair & make up in anything other than a some-what vintage style yet.....
I put so much pressure on myself to present myself in a certain way and sometimes it's .... well.... tiring and stressful.
I didn't think I was the type who looked at others and feel envious or jealous ..... but I am.
I wish I could write like them. I wish I looked like them. I wish I had their clothing. blah blah.
Yesterday I was in Spotlight & I saw some amazing brightly coloured bird print fabric and my tummy did it's flip flop of excitement when it sees something that it falls in love with.
I picked it up & swooned over it.
Then my internal negative Vicki voice says "yeah but it's not very VINTAGEY is it? You'll just look all bright and crazy in that. You should get something more AUTHENTIC looking not that silly thing".
I stood there for a bit and suddenly thought "You know what Vicki. Shut the fuck up. I fucking LOVE bright weird novelty print things and if I want to sew a THOUSAND of the same simple boring blouse in crazy coloured kooky prints and wear them even though they aren't remotely vintagey than I fucking will!"
Negative Vicki was stunned and quickly backed away into the naughty corner of my brain muttering obscenities under her breath.
So, I have decided to embrace this new sometimes vintage sometimes weird sometimes daggy Vicki.
If I want to write about doing the washing up then I will.
If I want to blog about sewing I will.
If I don't feel like blogging for a month then I won't and I won't beat myself up over it.
If I want to sew nothing but blouses then I will.
If I want to take a shit ton of selfies I will & not care what anyone thinks.
I feel like embracing my new style and it will be silly and colourful and a bit mental.
I will take inspiration from the ladies of "Advanced Style". (a wonderful documentary that you MUST see if you haven't).
I know I am my own worst enemy.
But I'm getting better. So my new mantra is "FUCK IT AND DO IT ANYWAY"
