I suffer from a rare disorder.
It's hereditary.
It's called OAPMD.
Obnoxious Annoying People Magnet Disorder.
It runs in my family.
Let me explain.
I could be at a huge festival with thousands of people and the ONE obnoxious annoying person in the WHOLE venue will find themselves drawn... like a magnet... to me.
They will stand too close to me, talk too loud, clap and whistle at inappropriate times and normally put their arm around me whilst slurring their stale chardonnay ciggie breath on me "Ow fuckin good is it eh? I fuckin love that rockabilly shit. Fuckin pin up shit is ... hang on... *COUGH COUGH COUGH... what was I sayin... oh yea.... I love your fuckin hair eh You look like Betty Boop"..
I will be waiting in line at Coffee Club or at Woolies and the ONE obnoxious annoying person in the whole shopping centre will always be behind me in line and will start up a conversation with me. Normally again, in a too loud voice and normally about how their dog ate their socks and spewed over Terry's tool box again and the price of bloody sausages is bullshit and how much their bunion has grown over summer . "Have a look at it . Go orn!! Look!"
I must emit some sort of aura or pheromone that the universe feels the need to thrust these people into my personal space. Maybe I have been put on this Earth to act as a sounding board to assist these self-unaware people to vent their inner most diatribes.
Which brings me to my latest encounter at Cirque du Soleil.
I have never been to a circus or acrobatic show in my whole life. When Ashton's Circus would come to Oakey each year we never went. Instead, we saved our cents for the Oakey Show's Dodgem Cars and Sizzler rides.
So when Cirque du Soleil announced the latest tour I decided enough is enough. I must go.
Mummsy & I were so excited on the rainy drive into the city. We weren't even perturbed when the 16 year old hi-viz parking girl explained that we were "UNFORTUNATELY in the line into the carpark". After a 15 minute crawl we finally entered the mysteriously empty carpark.
Walking into the circus tent was like walking in to another dimension of wonder and awe ... and then we had to sit down.
I am not kidding when I say those seats were like kindergarten size and squished together so you were almost sitting on the person next to you. I would shudder to think how a bigger sized person could have even sat down. It was NOT comfortable at all... BUT ... no matter... nothing was going to take away from our joy and childlike wonderment.
Then Shazza (not her real name but she was a definite Shazza) and her daughters arrived to sit next to me.
Shazza already reeked of Horizon Ultra milds and bourbon. She came in guzzling one tinnie of Woodstock and Cola while juggling another 2 in her hands. She plonked down almost on top of me and exclaimed to everyone in our section "I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M FUCKING HERE!!! HOW'S THAT FUCKING RAIN!"
Yep. Thank you universe. The ole OAPMD strikes again!
Then.... the lights dim. The music begins and there is a hush across the crowd. The room is silent as some quiet French 1920s jazz music starts to add to the mood.
"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
Shazza screams at the top of her lungs. Thus shattering any kind of ambience and mood the show was trying to set.
From that moment on.. Shazza screamed as loud as she possibly could, between gulps of Woodie "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" at EVERY. SINGLE.EXCITING. THING. THAT HAPPENED.
I don't know if you've ever seen a Cirque du Soleil but A LOT of exciting things happen.
Shaz then decided that she would narrate the action for everyone. "OH MY GAWD THEY'RE SAILORS!!! SAILORS IN RAIN COATS HAHAAHAHAHHAAHAHAHH FISH!!! FISH!!!! THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE FISH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH LOOK AT HIM CATCHING HER WHEN SHE FLIPS. SHE'S FLIPPING . SHE FLIPPED HAHAHAHAHAHAH"
In addition to this, she lent forward and clapped her hands in psychotic joy as HARD and as FAST as she could right next to the lady in front of her's ear and head. This happened so much that the back of the lady's hair soon looked like she had been rubbing a balloon on it and it was standing up like it was full of static electricity.
I didn't think it could get any worse.
Then Rima Hadchiti came out onto the stage. Rima stands 100cm tall. She looked AMAZING as a 1920s style madam.
Well Shazza lost her shit. "OH MY GAWD OH MY GAWD SHE'S SO LITTLE. SHE'S LITTLE!!!! SHE'S ADOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRABLE AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAAH".
Every time Rima came out onto stage Shaz would scream this out.
The vibe in our section of the tent had turned from excitement and glee to simmering jaw clenching mob anger.
Finally, after trying to ignore her to focus and absorb the truly spectacular feats of strength and gymnastic ability in front of me I couldn't hold it in any longer and I snapped.
I turned to Shaz and placed my hand delicately on her shoulder( always keeping in the back of my mind what cheap bourban and COLA can do to a person if confronted)
"Hi love" I chirped cheerfully " How good is this show?"
" OH MY GAWD IT'S FUCKING AWESOME. I'M HERE WITH MY DAUGHTERS AND IT'S SO AWESOME .HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA"
I channel my best Bill Lumberg voice and say "Yeah.Ummm I'm gonna need you to tone down the excitement a bit. I know you're excited and loving the show. Oh my God so are we. So is everyone. It's incredible. Amazing. BUT you are being REALLY REALLY loud and we can't really focus on the show very much. I'm not saying to NOT clap and laugh but if you could just turn the volume down a bit. And you are clapping REALLLLLLY close to that lady's head. M'kay"
"AWWWWWWWW.OOOOOPS... awwww sorry darl". She answers in a voice that sounds like someone trying to grate a large piece of rock" I guess I'm just so excited to see my daughters and I've never seen anything like this before. Sorry I'll keep it down".
I squeeze her shoulder tenderly thanking the universe that she didn't try to snot me.
For the rest of the first half she was well behaved.
The lights come up and it's intermission time. Shazz and her daughters almost shove an old lady down the stairs in their hast to get outside for a darb.
The lady who was sitting in front almost hurdled the seat to hug me in thanks. She was ropable and we discussed whether we should advise security.
Then the music started up, the lights dimmed again and it was time for the second half. Shaz and the girls return. Reeking of durries, sculling a Woodie and Cola and carrying yet another 2 cans.
In the 15 minutes that had passed since our mediation Shaz had retained in her bourbon soaked brain only one thing. Do not scream OH MY GAWD and WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOO. Do not LAUGH LOUDLY and do NOT clap hands like a maniac into the woman's head.
Instead she substituted.
Instead of Oh my God and Woohoos she screamed "INCREDIBLE INCREDIBLE I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT."
Instead of laughing like the Joker on speed she screamed "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
and
Instead of clapping she stomped her feet as hard and as fast as she could.
I then realised that I was dealing with a new kind of Obnoxious Annoying Person. I was dealing with an Obnoxious Annoying Drunk Potentially Psycho Deranged Person.
Every once in a while I would place my hand on her should and give her "a look" but 6 Woodies in I don't think her eyes could even focus.
I looked around and the eyes of the section were on me to save them. I'd done it before. I could do it again.... Couldn't I?
Rima comes back out onto the stage. This time in a tiny steam train. Smoking a long cigarello. The lights dim and a violinist enters the stage behind her playing a romantic sad ballad. She stops and starts talking to the audience in french. It's beautiful.
"OMG SHE'S ADORRRRRRRRRABLE. SHE'S SO TINY SO TINY!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK'S WRONG WITH HER?? "
I think to myself "surely there must be a staff member who is hearing this who can kick her out"... but no. Like Rima's character we in Section 2 were also trapped in our own Steam Punk Narnia tragedy. No one is coming to save us.
The remainder of the show we just focused on the staggering beauty and jaw dropping abilities of the gymnastics, acrobats and actors in the performance.
It was one of the most incredible shows I have ever seen and it nearly bought me to tears.
Finally, the lights come up and the cast take their bows and the audience cheers.
I wait for it.
I stick my fingers in my ears in anticipation of the ear piercing shrill screams of drunky Shaz but she is strangely silent.
I turn my head.
She has gone and left a trail of eau de Winnie Red and a large pile of empty Woodstock cans at my feet.
If you every get a chance to go to Cirque du Soleil you simply MUST.
Words cannot describe how magical it is in every way. The props, the costuming, the music (that I thought was piped but then I looked up and the band and singer where on the roof of the stage performing) and the whole story telling.
I was smiling so much for days afterwards. Just make sure you wear comfy clothes because you are crammed into that tent like sardines in a tin.
Mummsy and I walked back to the car in the drizzling rain. We scramble into the car seats and shut the doors. We look at each other, smile and both scream as loud as we can "
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
