Thursday, February 20, 2014

Friends are the Bacon Bits in the Salad Bowl of Life - Homer Simpson

So, I went back to the Doc this week to get the results of my blood tests.
Iron. Good.  B levels. Good. Hormones. Good. Thyroid. Good. Guts. Rooted.
It turned up that I have a 95% chance that I have Coeliac Disease!
Basically, it means that this crafty little mo-fo called Gluten that is in a stack of foods, goes into my guts and like a gooey steamroller flattens & inflames my bowel. Nice.
This is referred to as "Villous Atrophy" which sounds suspiciously like a character from a Harry Potter book.

Finally, after all these years of my body & joints aching like crazy, being tired & cranky, my belly being all bloated out while doing mega stinky farts that almost asphyxiate my husband, my inability to lose weight and fertility issues I have a name for what is wrong with me.
I am not a hypochondriac. It isn't just in my mind. It's all because of that son-of-a-bitch GLUTEN.

I am booked in to see the Gastroenterologist (I shall call him Mr Poo Doctor) next Wednesday.  I then have to go into hospital & have a tube put down my throat and they will then cut a few chunks of of my bowel (icky) and test them for Ceoeliac.  At least I don't have to get the old garden hose up the clacker!

"Why don't you just stop eating gluten now you stupid woman?!!" I hear you warble.

Well, the blood test is ONLY 95% accurate & there are some other funky diseases that appear like Coeliac that aren't anything to do with Gluten so to be ONE HUNDRED percent I have to have the tube down the throat.  Imagine if I just said "stuff it" and it turned out to be something more fucked up.
Nup better to be safe than sorry.

I'm actually looking forward to starting a new lifestyle eating plan..
Naturally, I am expecting that 20 kilos will magically disappear from my body within a week of deleting the bastard gluten and I will have super human strength & agility. Sweet.


In Vicki socialite news....

Last Sunday I was invited to a wonderful vintage clothing sale with a few members of the elite notorious Brisbane Vintage Mafia.  The sale was hosted by the wonderful Janis at her truly wonderful home.
I have bought a number of lovely frocks from Janis over the years and this was no different.
Despite the fact that it was about 60 degrees Celsius the vintage-loving jet set dames still managed to look ravishing as we jostled to try on gorgeous frocks, hats & shoes.  There was much sighing and swooning at all the treasure up for sale.

3 of the frocks I tried on were met with cries from the girls "OH MY GOD YOU HAVE TO BUY THAT!" and " OHHHHHHHHHH" and "OH GOD THE HAT OH GOD THE HAT!".
So, of course, I simply HAD to buy them!
YES!!! Frocks that fit my boobs!

It was such a fun afternoon with this bunch of uber-glamours talking shit about vintage fashion, diarrhea & how much we loathe the heat.
Thank you so much for having us Janis and for selling me your fantastic frocks & hats!

The BVM - able to smell Lucite and vintage rayon from 10 kilometres away.

1 comment:

  1. I love how perfectly turned out you are, bloated guts and farty bum and all! So glad you are close to getting a diagnosis I too believe the weight will drop off you and most importantly you will feel faboo. Love the new dress and hat xxxooo