Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Middle Age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

Today is weigh-in day. Cue ominous music.
I perched my nudey self onto the scales & squinted down at the numbers.
I stayed the same.
Technically I have actually lost about 1/2 a kilo to a full kilo.
As I stated yesterday when that old cow Aunty Flo does her monthly visit I traditionally gain about a kilo. My ovaries and uterus must fill up with some sort of heavy gelatinous substance for about 4 days which then miraculously vanishes like a ninja in the night.
So what that means is the mystery monthly baggage did not arrive this time. I did not gain.
By the scientific laws of biology, metaphysically I have actually LOST about a kilo if you think about it.
The fact that it is not actually appearing on the scales means nothing.
Hmmmm good job Vickster *dusts hands*

One of the things I have noticed since starting this 12wbt journey is:
I'm starting to feel my age.
Mentally I still haven't matured past 7th grade where I still laugh at farts, Australia's Funniest Home Videos of elderley ladies falling off trampolines and say things like "I know I am but what are you? Nerrr".
But physically, bizarre things are happening to me.
I've never been one to mutter my age when asked. I proudly announce "I'm FORTY in October! Yep the big FOUR OH. Twenty plus Twenty. FOUR ZERO."
Up until recently I hadn't really noticed my body changing.  I mean the usual things had changed.
I've starting checking the fibre content of my breakfast cereals, I love a noice cup of Earl Grey (loose leaf of course) tea after dinner on a FRIDAY night and I am excited about manchester sales.
I've always been very lucky with my skin. I inheritated my grandmother's lovely skin & so I've never really had pimples. Nanny swore by Oil of Ulan (& didn't she kick up a stink when they changed the name).
Lately though it's all started to go pear shaped.. and I don't mean my arse.
The other night I was sitting on the couch & I thought I had something on my neck. I went to pick it off but I found that it was not a stray piece of rice from my salmon stir-fry.. "What the hell is THAT!?"
I ran to the bathroom mirror. Skin Tags. What the hell?! If you don't know what they are then you are obviously not old enough. They are bits of random skin that decide 'fuck this being all nice & flat on the body I'm gunna stand up". O-M-G. Rank.
Then there is the mutant hair. I have one stray hair that grows under my chin in my sleep. I will awake and overnight this hideous tendril has suddenly grown 5 cm & is waving to me in the mirror as if to say "You can try & fight your hormones but you are losing! See that shimmer on the horizon that's menapause baby!"
Of course I am getting the facial wrinkles or "Laugh Lines" are some poor schmucks like to call them. Thank God for Photobucket editing. I refuse to bow to the corporate beauty giants & hand over hundreds of dollars for the placenta of dead eels with bionauticalishis ectoplasmic hydofluckies. I stick to Dermaveen soap wash, Oil of Ulan during the day & Primrose Oil at night.
The big thing I have noticed these past 3 weeks is my knees.
I was walking down the back steps at work when I heard this weird noise. "Geez these stairs are creaky" I thought. Fast forward to the gym. I was geared up to do my favourite exercise (NOT!) Lunges.
I heard it again. "It must be my shoes!" Then it hit me.
That crunchy noise that sounded like somebody squishing up a bag of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes was ...
It is the most hideous sound.
So now in addition to the natural fertility teas I am on, the multi-vitamens, the olive leaf extract, the calcium tablets & the omega 3 fish oil ... I am now on the Glucosamine tablets as well. *face palm*
God... what's next?!
I could go on & on & on but it's time for me to have a Bex and a lie down.


  1. Think of it as being the same as last week's loss, so next week you'll pull a bigger number :-)

    I'm sorry about your knees too...

  2. Dont loose sight of the goal!
    I know what you mean i cant ride a bike anymore as i have tendnitous in both hips.
    I take more than 10 tablets a day