Wednesday, August 13, 2014

You're only Given a Little Spark of Madness. You musn't lose it. - Robin Williams R.I.P

I haven't blogged in a bit and have considered chucking it in.

About a month ago my brain decided "Right Vicki. Enough is Enough. I've had enough of all this guff. I'm off" and I had what is commonly known as "a fucking nervous breakdown".

Now, I've previously had what is medically known as "fucked up episodes" but this was a whole new kettle of rotting fish.  I felt that I literally could not cope with even the simplest things.  Life was just all too much. The news. All the things I HAD to do. Money. Lack of Money. My weight. Pressure to not fail.  My Family.  My Health. Bad Drivers. Rude People. Deaths and Sickness of Good People.  The fact we can't have Children. The Pressure to be a Good Person. Why is the World so Horrible. And on and on.

Luckily for me I still had a small fragment of consciousness and very quickly took myself off to the Doctor. I can tell you that it does NOT help when you are having a full blown panic attack/mental breakdown to have the stinkiest man in the universe sit next to you in the waiting room while you are trying to focus on taking big deep breaths.





I was told to have the next week and a half off work (no questions asked), she doubled my meds dosage & booked me in to see a psychologist.
For the next week I slept and created a Vicki Den of Tranquillity room aka Vicki's Sewing Room.

I hit Greazefest in the middle of all of this & now THAT seriously the BEST medication ever. I was very anxious before going because I was still feeling very nervy & fat & like a big round poo. I needn't have worried though.
Great music including Wayne Hancock Funny as all shit fantastic friends and bopping around like.... well.... a looney. (and taking 50 million selfies )

Unfortunately for me doubling my dosage did the opposite of HELP me and instead turned my brain to pea soup mush. My brain looked over all the side effects available with this dosage and thought to itself "Screw you Vickster let's experience ALL  of those fuckers at once! mwahhhhaahhahahaha". 
Not good. At all.
Imagine your brain feels like it is growing & stretching inside your cranium and you seriously feel like you are going to have a stroke, vomit and die.  And then add in a nice dose of the flu.....

then you start praying for death as the grief of 10 million souls enters your mind and fills it with terrible terrible sadness.


Off to the Doctor again.  "Ummmmm Doc. I think I might have to go back onto my initial dosage".

She agrees wholeheartedly. "But here take one of these as well. They take the EDGE off. It's only a very small dosage". I'm beginning to feel a bit like Judy Garland.
So, last night I take my normal meds AND this new funky tablet that will help calm me the fuck down.
Ummmm no. No it doesn't calm me down.
This morning around 2am I wake up and my body feels... totally like weird man. 
Like all of my skin is numb and tingling.
Then about once every 30 seconds it is like somebody has a super sonic TENS machine hooked up to my entire body & they crank it for about 10 seconds so it's like I'm being tasered.
I feel totally zoobed out like a mad scientist has given me anesthetic to freeze my body. My lungs feel really tight & I can't breath in deeply. I manage to have a drink of water & I finally drift into a coma.


I don't mean to make you all bummed out or anything. 

Today is WAYYYYYYYY the best I've felt in weeks. I have some energy again and I can feel the fog lifting from my squishy brain.
I went for a lovely walk along the waterfront this morning.

I have to learn to take care of myself better. To stop comparing myself to others.  Learn to say NO.
Stop being so frigging hard on myself. I can't be everything to everybody and I certainly can't please everyone.

I have another 9 visits with the shrink-dink and I think this will do me good and is probably long overdue.  It's a journey.  A sordid bumpy wonky journey but....

I was considering stopping doing this blog.   I didn't know if it was yet ANOTHER pressure that I put on myself. You HAVE to write Vicki. You HAVE to be entertaining.

But I think I WILL keep it.
It's cathartic for me.
I figure if people want to read it they can if they don't want to read it then what-evs.


I will try to stay upbeat.... and soon I will be back to the loud silly crude sheila you know & love.

Thank you to the people who wrote really nice positive comments on my FB page.

xoxoxoxooxox
Mz Vicki

5 comments:

  1. Love, hugs and good sewing vibes hun ��

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  2. Sending you lots of hugs. I know how it feels although I never had the guts to see my GP. Keep on sewin' :)

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  3. Mz Vicki- we "met" through facebook (Those Darn Sew and Sews) and have more in common than you may know : ) I haven't blogged much lately because there's SO much to do, to talk about, to sew etc. and then BAM! Robin Williams gone. He lived just across the bay from me, he was a fixture in our general area. He wasn't hard to find, and I always thought he would just BE HERE. Unbelievable. The outpourings of grief were, and still are, heart stopping. I was going to blog about that, have it half written and everything :) Then one of my cats deteriorated very quickly and died and (sigh). More grief. Life is hard, some days life just sucks the air out of you and dares you to breath. I finally said "uncle" last Friday, didn't go to work and haven't much stepped out of my house. We no longer get the joy of seeing a therapist, so I envy you that opportunity. We get the unequalled pleasure of going to "group" therapy, in the off chance we find ONE OTHER PERSON who might understand how we feel so the medical community can say "See? It works!" Blah. For the moment I've stopped sewing because some part of my brain really wants to scrape the layers of paint off the bedroom ceiling so that's what I've been doing. Keep sewing and blogging, you make me smile. One of these days I'll get back to your lovely country!

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  4. Hang in there beautiful. Truly this too shall pass xxxxx

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