Thursday, October 25, 2012

You gotta jump, jive, and then you wail away!


First of all, can I just say that I have had a morbid fear of mini-trampolines since 'the accident' in Year 10 in PE class.  We had to run at the vaulting horse, jump onto the trampoline, do a handstand flip over the vault & land daintily on the otherside.
I ran at the vault with my knock-knees like a drag-queen running from a giant alligator, arms flailing.
My foot landed on the trampoline and ...went straight through the springs which cause me to face plant straight into the vault. Sort of like that guy at the start of Wide World of Sports. Everybody laughed... of course.

So last night I gingerly stepped onto the tramp.
The instructor I'll call "T" is the 2011 Natural World + Olympia 'Ms Figure' Champion. No shit.
She makes "A" look like a before contestant on The Biggest Loser!
Right from the get-go I knew that I was in trouble.

Firstly, my legs & feet just flat out REFUSED to come to the party.
"Nope" they muttered "This weird boundey thing ... it's just not natural".
So I just ignored all the routines & just kept bouncing.
Then the insane pain in the bottom of my mangy shit feet began. I've got the flattest feet ever and the jumping felt like someone was spearing me from beneath with hot pitchforks into the arch of my feet.
Then the amazing muscular pain started in the quads, calves, thighs... who am I kidding... the ENTIRE area below the waist. This, however, is supposed to happen in this class.
It is NEVER a good sign when the fittest buffest woman in the cosmos is puffing and exclaiming "My heart rate is up to 180 !!! WOOOOOOO ROCK ON!!!!"
Then I felt like my pelvic floor muscles were going to open up like the gates of Wivenhoe Dam as the constant jumping was affecting my bladder. I was seriously freaking out about releasing a torrent of wee all over myself!

"Jesus Wept! Thank Frick this only goes for 45 minutes!"
At 6.10 I nearly broke down crying ... only 5 minutes to go!!!

NO... I WAS WRONG.... The class goes for an hour. 20 minutes to go.
I seriously nearly collapsed to the ground sobbing, wailing and slobbering like a freak.

SOMEHOW I made it through. I discoverd that jogging on my toes was the only move that my unco legs and crippled feet could handle & so I just stuck to that.
At the end of the class "T" came jumping up to me like a puppy that is happy it's owner is home.
" I diden lie kit" I mumbled under my breath.
"I don fuckin thi so ya bloody fu........ looney mumble mumble mumble"

So.... sorry Dolphins but you can stick ya Boundey class up ya clacker.
I did burn about 475 calories but I think most of that was from the trembling in horror.

Anyway, just so we don't feel too angry toward trampolines, I've posted a video I found on YouTube of Mud the bull-dog jumping on his trampoline.


  1. Ahh Vick - totally worth it for the laugh!! Thanks! I needed that!!

  2. Oh, love it! Friggin hilarious!!!

  3. I think ill pass on that class. Thanks forr thw heads up :-)

  4. Crack up. I would totally wee myself for sure!