Sunday, September 29, 2013

Alcohol is not the Answer. It just makes you forget the Question.

You know some days I really struggle with the whole SOBRIETY thing.

It's freakin tough man.  

Lately, I've been feeling a bit pouty & cranky and well, a bit of a sooky-la-la about not being able to drink grog. 
Why me?
Boo fucking hoo.

Going to a party or a gig sober and STAYING sober is a real bastard sometimes.

Everyone around you is all loose limbed, relaxed & a-hoopin' & a-hollerin' while I feel self conscious & frankly, boring as fuck.  Yes I could get up & act da fool but I just feel like a bit of a dickhead dancing around like a looney.

It can feel a bit weird when everyone is toasting with a nice glass of champy & I'm lifting up a highball of lemon lime bitters.  

It's a barbie & the crew are knocking down a couple of ambers and I've got my Kirks sugar free Creaming Soda.

New Years Eve & everyone is kickin' back with shots, wine & cocktails & I'm drinking a cup of Earl Grey by 11pm.

Jesus Wept It's like I'm ready to be booked into Aveo Retirement Village!

Being sober HAS changed me.

Definitely in more positive than negative but still changed me.

Anyone who had anything to do with Mrs El-drunko Vickster will remember many many many nights (& days) of me getting frocked up to the nines, knocking back a couple of bottles of the grape & then yelling out and calling people a "pack of c-hunts" and randomly trying to screw or pash anything that moved.
Oh I was a stack of fun though.
I bore a striking resemblance to Patsy from Ab Fab ....  Darling.

Being sober is a very confronting thing.  You have to 'be yourself' whoever the hell THAT is.
Oh, I'm still crass, annoying & inappropriate but in a more subtle way now.  I am a lot more self conscious & nervous when I go out now. 
Arrrr the wonderful conversation lubricator is grog.
"Dogs!!" you could slur "Farkin Dogs.  They're cool eh? Those big fluffy ones. Soooooo farkin' cute eh. Hay where's me wine gone man? Arrrrrhaahahaharrrr "

Now I'm like "Ummm hi. What've you been up to? Me? Not much... Ummmmm  So....How's that Tim on Big Brother? "

On one hand, I look at the crowd of drunken revellers & am jealous of them. I too want to 'throw my hands in a ay-er like I just don't cay-ar" and throw my rubbery arms around the necks of the unsuspecting and gush into their faces "Ooooooo I luvoooooooooosooomushhhhhh" and rub their face into my cleavage. 

Oh to not give a flying shit again.

On the other hand, it's also quite disturbing to watch the slow progression of people getting trolleyed before your eyes and going from being as well behaved as a nun in church to transforming into an aggressive obnoxious melon head.

So if you see me at a party or a gig & I'm not up running around and I'm just sitting quietly sipping on my 10th cup of coffee it's not that I am a snob or pretentious or lazy (ok maybe a bit lazy) it's just that I'm feeling a bit out of place or a tad shy. It may surprise some of you that I am actually quite shy.

Please come over & say G'day. I'm quite a nice person when I'm not being awkward & sarcastic.

I have no problem with other people hitting the turps around me.
As a matter of a fact, I seriously do kind of like having you throw your arms violently around me and squishing my face into your bosom.
If you're a bloke I don't mind you chucking your arm about my shoulders & exclaiming "You know Vicki yerrrr a good sheila. That Mick shalucky man".

I am happy to cheers you with my glass of Coke Zero my friends.




  1. The last time I drank was 3 years ago on hubby's 30th birthday (a wild night that involved wayyyyy too much tequilla, a $500 bar tab, piggy backs, bike rides and a broken wrist) and apart from the odd yearning for a pretty cocktail while out somewhere glamorous I don't actually miss it. Watching people get drunk and having stories to tell them when they are sober is plenty satisfying for me. BUT I never leave my no wild nights to wish I was drinking at these days.

  2. I've met you in IRL and I thought you were a lot of things (like lovely) but not boring. That didn't cross my mind. That Mick is a lucky man x

  3. 2 tricks - have a glass of wine in your hand (or on the table) at all times - no one will notice you don't sip from it. Or I drink ginger beer from the bottle (because I'm classy) with the label turned palm in, and everyone assumes it's a beer. It shouldn't matter but I've noticed you're more approachable and you don't have to have the conversation as to why you aren't drinking, which is a total yawnfest.
    Ironically, even if I'm driving, if I do the ginger beer thing, everyone assumes I'm drunk, which could mean my normal behaviour is weird....?