I put HUGE pressure on myself and I also become quite obsessed with TIME.
There is not enough TIME.
I have had a big couple of months.
What with losing my job, a job that I loved....to being suddenly unemployed again... to starting a new job and having to learn from scratch... back working full-time hours with travel time... I let it all pile on top of me. I have to fit in working, exercise, food shopping, washing, cleaning the house, meditation, catching up with friends and family, do my hair, relax, walk the animals, etc etc etc.
Every weekend I have to write a big list. To get it out of my head.
When I get like this it is like I am locked in a small room with about 100 radios all tuned to different talk back radio stations and they are all cranked up.
I can't think straight.
A lot of people think of Bipolar depression as feeling a "bit sad" or being down in the dumps badly.
I'd like to describe what it like for me.
About 3 days before an episode I will start to find it hard to focus or retain information. I will read something and it just flits away on the wind. I feel really foggy and find it very hard to concentrate. I will feel very very tired like my body has been covered in a wet wool blanket.
I will go into 'day dream' states where I totally vague out for a couple of seconds.
About 2 days out I will start to bump into things and drop things. I will find it hard to do things like tie shoe laces, pick up a teaspoon and I will smack my shoulder into the door frame as I walk through. I will find it hard to make even the smallest decisions like what to have for breakfast or what shoes to wear.
The day before I will get facial tics. I will shake my head and grimace the right side of my face uncontrollably. I will chew my bottom lip and lick my top teeth. I will rub my face over and over. I may also start a weird guttural humming. I will get a fright from simple things like the sound of a plate being put down or a car driving past.
Inside my head are a thousand voices overlapping each other chanting ALL the things that I have to do, all the things I haven't done, all the things I have mucked up and all the reasons why I am completely and utterly useless. All I want to do is sleep. I want to take 100 sleeping tablets. Not to die. Just to not feel. Just to stop the feelings that are taking over. I don't want to die. Just have some peace.
The day of the "episode" in addition to the above all of my senses will be cranked up. Light will become too bright and it will be hard for me to open my eyes as even the dimmest light is blinding. Colours become way too vivid. The sky is too blue. The walls are too white.I can hear even the smallest sounds. The ticking of the clock in the other room will be like a drum beating right next to me. I can hear the traffic from the main road like it is right next to me. My sense of smell is increased and I become nauseous because I can smell EVERYTHING. My skin prickles and feels very hot.
Then the BIG SAD comes.
When I say sad it is not quite sadness. It is more like very intense GRIEF.
It fills every cell in my body. The only way I can describe it is like this -
Imagine you are driving along in your car with your family that you love. You get distracted and you drive off the road and the car flips. You are thrown free. You wake up and see that the car is on fire. You have killed your family but you have escaped unscathed. I know that sounds extreme but it is accurate.
Imagine how you would feel.
THAT is what Bipolar depression is. All encompassing grief. Your brain SCREAMS at you that you do not deserve to live. The difference is, with the car accident you have a reason for the grief so your brain has something to attach the feeling to. With Bipolar this is nothing to attach the feelings to so you are just filled with intense and overwhelming emptiness and shock.
The brain has had days of being overloaded. The continueous drop in seretonin and dopamene and the constant overload of electricity the brain says "that's it I'm out. I need a break". That's when I finally cannot stay awake and I go into like a numb zoned out state. Not happy Not sad. Nothing.
In the past I used alcohol to 'soften the sharp edges' which always led to more depressive episodes so I stopped drinking and it is the BEST thing I ever did.
Now I recognise the stages and I usually intervene a few days before an episode so it doesn't get to an episode.
How do I intervene?
I STOP.
I have a conversation with my Bipolar.
Yep a talk... with myself.
I write a list and then I cross off about 90% of the things.
I slow down.
I tell myself that it is OK if I don't do ALL the things.
The cats don't HAVE to go for their walk EVERY day.
I don't HAVE to sew something new this week.
I don't HAVE to cook dinner or do the washing up.
It's ok if all I did today was NOTHING.
If I do get to an episode I have learned that I can take the power away from the sadness but acknowledging it and embracing it. Yes embracing it.
I say to it between sobs "oh hi thanks for coming sadness. Yes I have not been taking care of myself lately and I know you are here to remind me. So, let's do this. I know that you are just trying to take care of me by MAKING me slow down and take a step back".
I run a hot shower and I give myself permission to cry. "Is that the best you got?!!" I say to the sadness. I cry and bawl and sob until I am spent.
Then I take myself to bed in a VERY dark and VERY quiet room where I sleep and sleep and sleep.
I cancel my plans and have a few days of doing NOTHING. Just resting.
If I want to sew I'll sew. If I want to spend all day watching Netflix then I will.
I say NO. I'm sorry but I can't.
I used to fight this but now i know that it is what I need to do to RESET my brain.
Run a big DEFRAG.
My episodes used to last for days but now they last about 24-48 hours.
I then thank my sadness for helping me. Yes the sadness is extreme but it is my brain telling me to STOP and SLOW THE FUCK DOWN.
I want people to know that even though I have depressive episodes I am not suicidal. I love my life and I love the people in it. I don't want to die.
Personally, mine are about overloading myself and the pressure I put on myself.
If I ever felt suicidal I know that I have an amazing support network of people around me to call upon.
If you are ever feeling down I implore you to call someone. ANYONE.
I wanted to share my experience so that if you are experiencing anything like this know....
YOU ARE NOT ALONE MY FRIEND.
There are LOADS of people out there with mental illnesses who understand.
You CAN live a beautiful full life with a mental illness.
I will also add a disclaimer that I am most definately medicated for my Bipolar. Finding the proper medication can be key and finding a good GP and psychologist or psychiatrist.
Don't be ashamed to take medication. Medication is great.
Take care of yourselves people and remember:
YOU CAN'T POUR FROM AN EMPTY CUP.
