Rayon Dreams in a Cheesecake World: BUST A MOVE

If you would have told me that I would WILLINGLY sign up to do 6 (YES SIX!!!) x 45 minute blocks of hard core cardio exercise in one day I would have back-handed you and told you to go and have a good hard look at yourself in the mirror.

But, that is exactly what I did.

I signed up to do BUST A MOVE BRISBANE.

According to the website: http://www.bustamove.org.au/

Bust a Move is the best day out you'll have all year!

There are six energising and exciting sessions - think black light Zumba complete with glow sticks, 80s style aerobics and a once in a lifetime opportunity to train with the incredibly hunky blue trainer from TVs The Biggest Loser, Shannan Ponton!

It's going to be a heart-pounding, exhilarating, life-changing day of hope.

Bust a Move teams raise funds for Mater chicks in pink support services. These provide practical assistance for women going through breast cancer treatment, and can include counselling, yoga therapy to assist in rehabilitation after
surgery or specially fitted mastectomy bras. The money you raise will also help fund world-class research to improve the way we treat cancer and fight for a cure.

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I was joined by the fabulous Yvette, Sheri & Bianca and we created a group called

The Pink Patooties !!

We arrived at the Convention Centre in our matching gingham bandannas, full of excitement and a underlying feeling of "what the fuck have we signed up for?".

9.am IT BEGAN!

TIGHT & BRIGHT WITH TODD

45 minutes of totally toned terrrrrrrrific Todd dancing about on stage like an extra on Priscilla Queen of the Desert. It was heaps of fun because the music was awesome (& mainly about arses I noticed). I was going ORF! I was even slappin' my arse to that horrific Nicky Manarge song Anaconda!! WTF...... Loved it!

GROUP KICK – KICK IT

45 minutes of Miss Piggyish "Hiiiiiiyarrrrrrrrrr" karate chops. Again I loved this. I haven't done kick boxy stuff in yonks.

I totally SUCK at the kicking part but man could our group punch the FUCK out of an invisible assailant.

THEN IT WAS TIME TO FOR MY FAVOURITE ......

LUNCH

The food was bullshit good and healthy of course. We were sweaty and panting but managed to find the energy to cram as much of the buffet into our gobs as we possibly could.

We also did a quick run into the free photo booth for some fun pics!

BLACK LIGHT ZUMBA

We were given arm band glow sticks to put on and it was time to get back into it. At this point my thighs & knees were starting to feel the first pangs of anger but these were forgotten when the Bollywood dance sequence came on!

The Pink Patooties were all over that shit! It was so awesome.

I really loved zumba. I merangayed the shit out of it. HOT TAMALE!

GROUP GROOVE

OK this is when it all started to go pear shaped like my arse. Sooooooooo many squats. Soooo many grape vines. The instructors were WAY too chipper & upbeat for my liking.

I was beginning to get tired and grumpy now. My knees were screaming. My MAC fushia lippie was smeared across my face and I was beginning to snarl at people.

YOGA HONOUR HOUR

"Thank fuck" I thought :time for yoga". I was hangin for some savasana & child's pose action.

NUP. I don't know what school of yoga this girl went to but it was BULLSHIT. It was more like more friggin aerobics with a couple of warrior poses chucked in.

I was NOT happy and Ooming.

TIME FOR ANOTHER BREAK.

This time we took advantage of the group of young well sculped men whose (unfortunate) job it was to massage the shoulders of the stinky sweaty heavy breathing women.

It was so terrible (not). I may have gotten a bit flushed.

We tried out the Gatoradey slushey machine which gave us all freeze brains but it was freaking delcious. I skulled some more coffee while eavesdropping on some mega fit looking gals who were saying the last class is the hardest. My bowels clenched in terror.

Yvette (wisely) decided enough was enough. Poured herself a slushie & kicked back on one of the many beanbags available.

In a flurry of excitement we were told to clear the area of all towels & water bottles and get ready to greet ....

SHANNAN PONTON !!!!!!!!!

Thus began the WORST 45 minutes of my life. Sweaty glistening boganesque dorky Shannon proceeded to pretty much TORTURE the room of women while constantly screaming at us how much of a bunch of awesome CHICKS we are.

Bianca & Sheri raised their arms about 10 minutes in and called "Fuck this shit!" and joined Yvette on the beanbags. For some reason, maybe it was pride, maybe i just went nuts but I decided that if the size 24, 60 year old woman next to me who had survived breast cancer could do it then so could I. Considering I have the athletic stamina & body of a dead blob fish this was ....

So very very foolish.

I was paired with a very young, very fit, very bubbly, very happy, very lovely girl who I wanted to punch in the face because she hadn't even cracked a sweat and was just so, well very chirpy.

MOLE.

I cannot tell you WHAT exercises we were FORCED to do because I can't bear to relive it.

Imagine the most awful (as in pain inducing) exercise class EVER and multiple it by 100.

Why the fuck they would put the most difficult class on LAST is beyond me.

IN YOUR FACE SHANNON IN YOUR FACE

Then it was over.... We had done it!

A young Bust a Move support crew girl dashed up to me and squealed "You rock!" , thrust a clip board in my face and giggled "So you want to sign up for next years Bust a Move?".

She scurried away rather quickly when I growled "Fuck. No."

Am I glad I did it? Of course. Will I do it again. Not in a million years.

By the following Thursday my knees felt like they had been hit with sledgehammers ala Stephen King's Misery and I really thought I had done some serious damage.

I cannot believe that on the day they had free massages & facials and instead of dropping out of a session & doing this I killed myself on the mat. Nut. Bag.

So was it heart-pounding? If by heart-pounding you mean I felt like my heart was beating so hard it was going to literally burst from my chest in spray of blood & arteries. Then yes.

Was it exhilarating? If by exhilarating you mean my muscles are still shaking and I lost about 10 litres of sweat then YES.

Was it life-changing? If by life changing you mean my knees will never be the same again. Then yes.

A day of hope? If you mean did I hope the session with Shannon would end with him giving me a full body massage with Nuturmedic oils. Then YES.