DO YOU MEASURE UP?

Yesterday I downloaded the new exercise & menu plans for Week One. So exciting.
I'm looking forward to becoming FITTER LEANER STRONGER & HEALTHIER over the next 3 months. We also had to do our initial weigh in & measurements.
Mine are below

WEIGHT - 85.3kg - TOTAL LOST 4.9kg

CHEST: 109cm - TOTAL LOST 5cm
WAIST: 96cm - TOTAL LOST 9cm
HIPS: 111cm - TOTAL LOST 10cm
RIGHT BICEP - 33cm - GAINED 1cm
LEFT BICEP: 32cm - SAME
RIGHT THIGH: 61.5cm - GAINED 1.5cm
LEFT THIGH: 59.5 - LOST .5cm

I'm not sure what's going on with the wonky leg & arms measurements. I do have the body of a side-show freak. I proved this by having TBF take my BEFORE photos this morning of me in my sessy undies & bra. I thought he had adjusted the flash but it turns out that my body actually IS that fluro white with lumpy bits.

Speaking of lumpy bits.... after getting all the nutrients bleached out of my hair last night I decided that I needed to have a proper bra fitting. I had gone & tried on a stack of fab-u-lous vintage frocks on Wednesday night & it was noted that my bazoongas, even with a bra on, look like two sacks of wet sand. I strode into Bras N Thangs and the young lassies helped me find a bra that lifts & cups The Girls the way they should be. I was horrified though to discover that I am an 18 DOUBLE D. Bloody hell I could be an extra on The Benny Hill Show!
My over-the-should-boulder-holder could be used as a tent on our next camping trip!
Hopefully over the next Round my norks will deflate a bit. TBF, however,  is not happy about this potential outcome. Not at all.

Have a great weekend everybody !!!!!!!!!!

BRING ON ROUND TWO

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

FITNESS TEST FRENZY!

Well Ladies & Gentlemen it's that time again. The lead up to the starting line.
THE FITNESS TEST
I got home last night, grabbed TBF & the pooches, whacked on my JFDI cap & skidaddled down to the waterfront to do my 1km fitness test run.  At 5.15 it was dark, windy & a wee bit chilly.
As I approached the starting line I started my internal chant
JUST FRIGGIN DO IT
JUST FLOCKING DO IT
JUST FUDGING DO IT
Mmmmm FUDGE..mmmmm .. HANG ON FOCUS VICKI FOCUS
JUST FLECKING DO IT!
I had my ipod shuffle cranked with my latest running tune "Piranha" by The Prodigy.
On your mark.Get Set. GO!!!!!!!!!!!
By the 800metre mark the cold wind was burning my throat like I had been chain smoking a carton of Camel No Filters all day.
I finally stepped over the 1km mark!!

I had exactly 1 second of joy before I started wheezing AND dry retching at the same time. (not as easy and fun as it sounds). Gasping I turned around & walked back to TBF, clutching at my chest like my lungs were going to burst out of my ribs in a gush of blood & old durry air.

"I *gasp* did *gasp* it". I gasped.

Then the coughing fit took over combined with a nice taste of bile in my mouth.

Oh this running caper is just fantastic *sarcastic font*

4 months ago I did my fitness test & this run took me 7 minutes and 20 seconds!

I have improved my time by a whopping 55 seconds. Unbe-friggin-lievable.

JUST FRIGGIN DO IT???

JUST FUCKIN DONE IT BEATCHES!!

Next it was time for my other tests.

WALL SIT:  Original time: 36seconds NEW TIME:  1 minute 10seconds (quads of steel baby)

PUSH UPS:  Original: 13/minute NEW: 28 in a minute

ABS:  Original level: I couldn't even lift my lard arse off the mat. 

NEW LEVEL: I can actually sit up without someone behind me pushing me up.

STRETCHY LEG TEST: Original: 10cm NEW: 12cm

I started jumping around like Larry Emdur had just called

"Vicki Martin Come on DOWNNNNNNN".

Just when I thought it couldn't get any better... I jumped on the scales this morning.

85.3kg.

I've lost 700g.

I did the crazy washing machine dance while chanting like a congo line

I lost seven hundred.... I lost seven hundred...... I lost seven hundred.

Tomorrow the new fitness & menu plans come out and I can't wait.

I can't wait to JUST FABULOUSLY DO IT!

XOXOXOXOXOX

Sweet or Sour - What's your Poison?

On Saturday I was confronted by an evil so monsterous, so heinous and so terrible it would make even the most stead-fast 12wbt cult member tremble in their Adidas Exerta 4 Women's running shoes & make a bit of nervous wee go down their leg. A force that has the power to reach inside your mind & tear your will-power apart like a staffy with your brand new Sheridon sheets. What is this horrorific magic mind taking power of which I speak???

THE BABY SHOWER FOOD BUFFET.

Whispering it's malevolent siren song I was helpless against it's pull. Cupcakes, maccaroons, mini salmon sandwiches, pikelets, something called LumberJack cake & Whoopsie pie.
Like Homer Simpson at The Frying Dutchman buffet I had one of each (ok maybe two).
I was swept away in a rip of sugar & cream cheese.

WHOOPIE PIE

IT GETS WORSE..................
I got home & TBF decided that he wanted to use the Sizzlers vouchers he had won on 4BC. So off we trotted to bingey bogan heaven.
I was still gorged from brunch, lunch, afternoon tea, snacks that I got the fish and only had a serve of salads & a small dish of icecream.... and of course I had to have some of the drug infused (I allege)  cheesy toast. By the time I finished I had a filthy bad headache from sugar & preservative overload.
Blerk. My tummy was as swollen as the mother to be at the baby shower.

So on Sunday when I did my food shopping I thought. "That's it. Too much sugar. I'm going to cut out sugar in my coffee from now on. I know I'll get that Stevia stuff. It's all naturale. It'll be grouse! Geez I'm brilliant!!"

THIS WEEK'S MENU PLAN

Monday AM. First coffee of the day. I take a nice big sip of that wonderful elixar.
GAG! OMG WTF! FML! HACK! SPIT! VOM!
Good Lawd. Imagine if you got a stack of green ants & some oleander leaves with a dash of vinegar & blended them up.. dried them and made them into a little white pill and added it to your morning Nescafe Blend 43. Poison tasting. It's not sweet. It's NOT like sugar. It is NOT a sugar substitute.
100% NATURAL. 100% NATURAL RANKNESS. 100% BITTERNESS.
I think I will stick to my raw sugar thank you very much.

STEVIA...... 100% FAIL

Preseason Task #6: Organise & Diarise

ORGANISE & DIARISE

Otherwise known as

GETTING YOUR SHIT TOGETHER WHILE REALISING YOU HAVE NO SOCIAL LIFE.

I have to write down all the DANGER days for the next 3 months. Days that could send all my well meaning plans flying out the window quicker then you can say "Caramel Aerobars are evil". I quickly grabbed my calendar down from the wall and examined the next 3 months. I have only TWO potential apocalyptic times that could cause my journey smashed under a big meteorite of doom.

1. Wintersun: We shall be cutting a rug & socialising to the max at Coffs Harbour for 2 days. Take away food alert for the whole weekend. Must try to only eat healthy stuff & not eat 'easy' foods like vomit inducing KFC or RSL chicken parmas with extra gravy.

2. IVF: This awesome *sarcastic font* period of 1 month involves nightly injections of superman strength hormones that make my PMS seem like a happy go lucky sky-lark in the park. Wonderful stomach bloating & a general feeling that my internal girliy bits are going to explode. Of course the end result of this is hopefully going to end in me having a bun in the oven (mmmmm bun). So if that happens I will have to deal with that and adjust my 12wbt accordingly.

Other than that my social calander is depressingly bare.

I also have to work out when i will be well... working out. During Round One I have discovered that I play best alone and at the gym so I will continue with that.

Mondy: Fitness

Tuesday: Toning

Wednesday: Fitness

Thursday: Toning

Friday: Light fitness, core and stretch

Saturday OR Sunday: Bullshit crazy exercise day ,food shopping & bulk cook day.

So there you have it.. THE PLAN. I'm sure that other hazards will pop up along the way as they always do and that it won't be too long & those empty little weekend squares on the calendar will be filled.
Anyone? Hello? I promise to stop tsking at your food choices & talking about my weight.
Promise?

Time to Put on my 'Shrinking' Cap

hahahah get it... SHRINKING cap!! Oh forget it.
I thought I would join the cool kids, bust a move & get down with my good self by jumping on the 12wbt merchandising train & get myself a fancy JFDI cap. Boom Shake Shake Da Room

Now when I am jogging along the waterfront I will be easily recognisable as a 12wbt cult member.
Fellow members will nod secretly in my direction to acknowlege that I am "One of Them".
If you don't know what JFDI means... It stands for JUST F@#$ing DO IT. Basically on those days where you are moaning & whinging in your best annoying internal whiney voice " But I don't wannnnaarrrrrrrr!!!
You give yourself an upper cut & say to yourself "Shut the hell up ya big cry baby. Call the Wahhbulance and JUST F&*%ING DO IT!".
(note: most of the other member use the publically acceptable word FREAKING. Not me I'm afraid)
So this week I am just flocking well doing it. Monday I did 50 minutes cardio. Last night I did weights & tonight I'll do cardio again. I did a sneaky weigh in this morning & I am still 86kg.
So no gain & no loss. I am focussing on the NO GAIN element.

This week's preseason task is:  KITCHEN MAKEOVER. Chucking out all the crap that lurks in your pantry and fridge. Luckily for me this isn't an issue. I did this at the start of Round One and 4 months on the only crap you'll find in my pantry is the neverending supply of gecko poo.
If you look in my pantry & fridge you will find about 80% Organic foods in the fridge is mainly whole foods with one container of Miso paste of indeterminate age. The freezer is full of homemade soups & frozen berries with the odd packet of Scotch Finger Bickies.
The one thing I have had to get rid of .... and this is a relatively 'healthy' food... is the yummy Carmen's Muslie Bars.

I've found that I am eating one in the morning for morning tea but then also having another in the arvo. I've decided to substitute them for something else like yogurt or boiled eggs more of a protein based snack.

The other thing I've changed is my water. It's bloody hard to drink cold water when your office is the same temperature as Russia in the middle of winter, (I may need to buy a snuggie) so I fill up my plastic measuring cup with 2 cups of hot water & chuck in some cut up lemon & you have a nice refreshing drink that is also really really good for your guts.

http://www.lifemojo.com/lifestyle/top-10-health-benefits-of-lemon-water-1422542

JUST FUCKING DRINK IT

That's all I have to report today so...... carry on..........

Ex-squeeze me? Baking powder?

I had a fabulous weekend. If the definition of the word fabulous is:
"fab-u-lous": the ability to completely avoid any sort of healthy eating programme whilst performing little to no phsyically activity in the company of hilarious soul-mate with the intention of eating one's body weight in food.

It was TBF & my 3rd year wedding anniversary this week so we set Saturday aside for date day.
We both have a love for Japanese food especially after our honeymoon of 3 weeks in Japan and so decided to have a Japanese feast day. We started at the new MOS burger in the city. MOS burger is kind of like Maccas but good. It is much yummier & slightly healthier plus it has a special place to wash your hands. Most of the burgers have rice smooshed into a patty shape instead of a bread bun. I had the cheese burger, the Yakiniku beef rice burger, green iced tea & hot chips. We sat on the tatami mat & savoured the MOSy goodness.I totally regret having the hot chips. They made me feel icky & made my tummy poke out all bloaty. nice look.

Next stop was the Valley. We burnt off some calories with some incidental exercise by walking about 20 minutes to Palace Centro Cinemas to watch "Dark Shadows". I had a cup of skinny latte while waiting for the movie to start. Probably the worst coffee ever. It tasted like hot water with a dash of milk with some burnt dirt coffee. We were still full from lunch so we just got an overpriced bottle of water to see us through the incredbily average film.

After the movie TBF decided that the smell of the hot buttered popcorn was too irresistable & got a small packet for the walk back to the car. I had a couple of bits but that's it.

We had a booking for 8pm for Wagaya but thought we'd take a chance & go early. Luckily they had a free seat & so we settled in for some totemo oishii (very delicious) Japanese food.

We got lots of small servings so we could try a bit of everything. Mmmmm chicken gizzards (very chewy), takoyaki (octopus balls), ox tounge and yakiniku. So good! Most of it was pretty healthy.

Except for the deep fried cheese. Yep the deep friend cheese was definately not on the 12wbt menu list of acceptable foods.

I'm still off the grog & so we toasted our undying love with a big glass of icy cold Calpis which is a drink that tastes kind of like watery Yakult. It's yummy.

We finished off with some desert. I got a sampler plate with some weird green tea cake thing, an even weirder spongy thing with yucky red bean paste in it & super duper delicious black sesame icecream. 5 gazzilon calories. TBF got green tea icecream.

Full as two googs we drove home but first did a quick stop into the video store to get out "Waynes World" One and Two. PARTY TIME!! EXCELLENT!!  And a mega packet of Mars Bar Pods.





I got home & pulled out my oversized elastic waisted marl grey tracky daks (sexy) & snuggled in to binge & watch the movie. Great day with the man I love. ZANG! Mish would open the biggest can of whipass on me if she could. I don't want to weigh in this week. I've probably put back on the 4.2kg I've lost.

sigh.

=======================================

Sunday morning I dragged my bloated lumpy slightly nauseous body out of bed & quickly set about getting my shit together. I prepared my menu for the forth-coming week.

One again I'm into the soups but have chosen less.... ummm fiberous ones after last week's gastric horror.

Luckily for me & my motivation I had arranged to have afternoon coffee with three of most AMAZING inspirational women in the whole cosmos. Kathy, Petra & Toni.

These are three of my peeps from my Weight Watchers days and seriously your jaw would just hit the floor with a loud thud if you saw their before & after photos.

Toni was the QLD finalist in the annual WW Healthy Choice awards, Kathy has transformed herself into a super woman with a body that would make Mish cry with jealousy & Petra is the most amazingly motivational postive person who after spending 5 minutes with her you think anything is possible! It was so lovely to be able to catch up & be able to absorb like a big blonde sponge their positivity, advice & fantastic outlook on life. I was even a good gal & only had 2 skinny lattes & avoided the mud cake.

I finished my weekend on a high note. After cooking up a huge pot of MB recipe pumpkin garlic soup & MB recipe chilli con carne there was a knock at the door. My awesome neighbour bought over some left over mud cake from a party at their place. TBF & I ended our bingey weekend watching "Jess" while eating a slice of mudcake the size of a house brick. 500 gazillion calories.

OK. Today is a new day. I had my treats and now I'm back to being a good girl.

I promise.

Was it Kierkegaard or Dick Van Patten who said "If you label me, you negate me"?

:)





Just Keep Swimming

Imagine the reflection if Esther Williams was looking in one of those weird side show mirrors you see at the Ekka.  Well that's what I looked like after I snapped on my super sexy bathing cap & hit the pool yesterday arvo.  I tried to visualise myself as the pool pin up as I tiptoed around the pool with my towel firmly wrapped around me but the reflection of my short stumpy white legs in the windows disolved any glamourous notions. Now imagine a blonde haired Dugong in a pair of Millers navy togs. NOICE.
I had been looking forward to having the soup warm pool all to myself as I had noticed that Thursday nights were very quiet normally.  This dream was quickly shattered as I walked into the pool area.
50,000 children.  Screaming. Yelling. Crying. Normally these children would be in the designated Child's Pool having their lessons but I was informed that there had been an "accident" in the pool & so they had to use the main pool. Icky.
They only had one lap lane open which I had to share with a bloke. It was right in the middle of the pool with the children on either side. I would have high-tailed it but I didnt' bring my gym gear. Oh well I'm here now. I tried put all thoughts of how much ribena-infused kiddy pee I would be swimming through out of my mind. Focus Vicki Focus.
It was hard to get in THE ZONE when you have 50,000 small children screaming on either side of you. Plus I had to deal with OBNOXIOUS CHILD who was determined to piss me off.
Little bastard.

He was about 7 years old & everytime he saw me coming to his end of the pool he would get into the lap lane & get in my way so I had to stop & go around him. After 6 times I cracked it.

I stopped right infront of him & put on my best Teacher/Mum tone.

"Are you swimming laps? Hmmmm are you? No? Well that man & I are trying to swim laps. There is only ONE lane for us. You have the whole pool don't you. Well? I am worried that we might just 'accidentally' kick you hard in the head when we swim if you are in the way. Do you want that? No? Well then I'd REALLY appreciate it if you could get out of this lane. Thanks matey".

He didn't come back into the lane. mwarrrr harr harrr har

I kept on swimming & managed to do 2km (40laps) in 33 minutes.

But I must confess. I didn't enjoy it as much as I used to.

Damn you Mish. I found myself wishing that I was in the gym on the X-trainer or pushing myself through another set of Sumo Squats. To be honest, I found the swimming.....

well boring. OMG who is this Vicki??????? What happened to Vicki the Water Baby???

I like the variety of the 12wbt programmes. It keeps me interested.

I tiptoed into the change rooms (please tell me that was spilled pineapple cordial in that room) & pulled my googles off like a beautician pulling off those chinese suction cups. This act in itself makes me not want to swim anymore as the nearly 40 year old skin around my eyes STILL has not shifted back into place even this morning. I look like the 'before' picture in one of those botox ads.

I fear the skin will never snap back again .

This 12wbt certainly is a journey of self discovery.

I've discovered that I now prefer the tortureous pain of the muscle burn over the stench of chlorine.

Interesting.