I'm a JEANius!

OMG Tomorrow is the final weigh-in for Round One. *chews fingernails*
I'm feeling pretty confident that I have lost this week.
Final weigh in also means I have to take the AFTER photos. One set of me in my Reg Grundys that I send off to Mish and the more PC version that i will post on here.
In other very exciting news...
I've dragged out of hibernation my winter woolies. I LOVE winter! I love knitted cardies, trousers, berets & most of all my Pendleton 49er Jackets SWOON.
I cannot WAIT to wear my black & grey Heyday 1940s highwaisted trousers! I just have to get them hemmed due to the fact that I have The Tiny Legs.

Anyways..... I pulled out my jeans. I have two 'good' pairs of jeans. I pair I bought from Wintersun many many moons ago & they are Prison Blues Jeans from Atomic Life. Last time I wore them last winter they were a bit baggy in the leg but otherwise fit fine.

Well roll me in garlic & call me smelly!!! They literally fell off me!!!!

I handed them to TBF who tried them on. They fit the huge monkey man perfectly!

"Geez Louise Crikey!" I thought "Oh well I still have my Levi 527s I bought 6 months ago.

WRONG!

They are now MASSIVE on me! Again TBF tried them on. Perfect fit.

Either both of us have lost weight OR I used to be the size of a Silverback Gorilla.

I don't want to buy new jeans until I have reached my goal body where I look very similar to The Black Widow in Avengers.

I still want some jeans for winter though, so I might just have to get the dodgy brothers ones from Tarjay for $20 until I shout myself some you-beat denim when I am smokin hot like Scarlett.

Awesome Sauce (I'm not sure what that means but it seems to be the IN thing to say)

Simply Sizzling SSS

Howdy yawl. Well I did a berry berry sneaky weigh in on Saturday morning and bless my soul if the scales didn't read 85.4kg!! You little rip-snorta! Needless to say that put me in a good mood for the rest of the weekend.
I hit the gym around 1pm for my SSS: Super Saturday Session.
It was called "The Pyramid of Pain".  Sounds awesome doesn't it? NOT.
Basically it involves something like this:
Chest Press Machine
15 reps @ (5-10)kgs, 10 reps @ (10-15)kgs, 8 reps @ (15-20)kgs, 5 reps @ (20-25)kgs, 2 reps @ (25-30)kgs, 5 reps @ (20-25)kgs, 8 reps @ (15-20)kgs, 10 reps @ (10-15)kgs, 15 reps @ (5-10)kgs.
By the end of your reps your muscles are screaming obsenities at you & the sweat is pouring off you.
Luckily the gym was practically empty due to the fact that it was fairly pouring down with rain outside (only the truely dedicated like myself made the effort).
Unluckily for me I had to share my machine space with Mr Masterbation. I call him this because this bloke who is in probably in his 50's is a friggin' machine! He is mega-uber-super fit. While he exercises he makes noises like he is having a great old time by himself if ya catch my drift.
I had my eyes closed on the leg press trying to focus on the building of my muscles in quads & picturing myself lean & buff in my new skin tight pin up dress when suddenly all I can hear is Mr M doing one million pushups while balancing on 4 medicine balls (no shit). This is how he sounds..
"grunt Mmmmm grunt Yeah grunt hmmmmyerrrr grunt arrrryeaaaa grunt ARRRRRRRmmmm"
Distracting much?

I quickly finished my buff crunching session & made a run for it.
================
Saturday night TBF & I couldn't be arsed cooking so we decided to hit the place strikes fear & horror into every person who is trying to lose weight & become totally hawt....
SIZZLER. Arrrrrrrrrrrr
To be accountable I decided to take photos of everything that I ate.
Drinks: NONE - Normally I would have drunk about 1/2 a bottle of Sizzler's finest Chateau d'cardboarde Merlot but I'm now a member of The Soberettes.

Entree: 1/2 cup of Pumpkin(?) soup with croutons - Normally I would have had pumpkin soup & added a large dollop of sour cream AND grated cheese. I could only eat half because after only eating FRESH food for the last 3-6 months the taste of processed shit is gruesome. Give me home-made pumpkin soup ANYDAY.

First Course:  A mix of all the salads. The prawn & smoked salmon salad was really really good. Normally I would have had a plate filled with pasta, cheese, sourcream, bolagnase & potato cheesy bake. The highlight was standing next to an old lady as she proceeded to take EVERY piece of crab out of the huge bowl of crab/celery salad until all that was left was literally just the celery. I stood there gawping at her but she didn't seem to notice or care.

Second Course:  More of the prawn & smoked salmon salad with a bit of pasta with the tomato pasta sauce and 3 potato skins. Normally I would have just had a huge piled plate of just potato skins covered in sour cream & grated cheese.



Dessert: OK I may have overindulged a bit with dessert. I had a small piece of mango pav, a small cube of banana caramel tart, some vanilla icecream with about 6 smarties followed by a cup of flat white coffee. Mango & Banana though???? C'mon it's fruit dammit.
I may not have had dessert at all if I had gone up 5 minutes later as I witnessed a small lad stuff his chubby little mitt into the smartie trough & scoop out with his grubby paws a handful. Ick. Normally I would have had AT LEAST 2 serves of dessert one being a big poo like mound of chocolate mousse with chocolate topping.
----------------------------------------------
And of course I can hear you all bleating "That's all well and good but what about the cheesy toast?"
Cheesy Toast: Yes Yes I had 4 triangles of the cheesy toast. I mean seriously I'm only human!
What on earth do they do with the toast to make it so delicious. It can't just be cheese & bread!
I savoured every little bit of that cheesy crunchy heaven.

I think I did pretty damn good considering the tempations that were put infront of me. I don't feel like I missed out though and I didn't feel like my guts were going to explode like something from Alien because I gorged myself stupid. I was full and satisfied.

For once I didn't feel like going home after Sizzler & throwing myself dramatically on the bed sobbing like a woman possessed " I'll never do it! I'm useless! Why oh why did I overeat again!? Arrrrrr I'm such a dickhead!! Arrrrrrr Don't look at me! DON'T LOOK AT MEEEEEE".

This time I came home and sat on the bed, turned to TBF & said

"I wonder if that old duck put all that crab in a hidden compartment in her handbag?"

xoxoxoxoxoxoxxo

Totally Tight Toned Terrific Tart

Yesterday I opened a can of mental whip-ass & printed out the whole of next week's exercise & eating plans & did a bit of forward planning. Yes it has only taken me nearly the whole of Round One to work out that I should be looking ahead to potential obstacles that may befall me.



This coming week is filled with impending 12wbt doom. It's ok up until Thursday then things could go pear shaped (like my silhouette). Here is a look at my week 12:

MONDAY 30TH:  CARDIO ON GYM MACHINES while attempting to look cool & fit in my bleach stained 3/4 $5 Target pants & stained VLV shirt.

TUESDAY 1st:  TONING SESSION while attempting to look like it is totally effortless for me to do push-ups while holding in the tears of agony & pain.

WEDNESDAY 2nd: Spin Class madness while grimacing a false smile at Bionic Lady PT while she calmly announces "Just 5 more minutes on this hill climb woohoooo".

THURSDAY 3rd: Potential disaster day. I am booked in to get the bajingos bleached out of my hair & so I can't hit the gym in the arvo. That means that I must rise at the ungodly hour of 5am and do the MB DVD while my husband & cat snore peacefully away in the ajoining room.

FRIDAY 4th: TBF & I are going to see the other love of my life Henry Rollins. SWOON. So once again no time for afternoon exercise. I must stumble out of bed, trip over the moggy in my flannys & stumble around the lounge room swearing & mumbling "Whazatfugginshit grunt....."  while I do my fitball CORE exercises.

SATURDAY 5th: TBF & I have to be up at sparrow's to drive to Mt Tamborine for the annual Garterbelts & Gasoline Soap Box Derby. No time for any exercise today except maybe running down the hill after my husband screaming at the top of my lungs as he hurtles down in his racer.

SUNDAY 6th:  Back up the mountain for the Garterbelts & Gasoline Hot Rod show. No time for exercise today. I will get a bit of exercise strolling around the cars & will build up the muscles in my hand & wrists with the opening & closing of my purse while I spend too much money on hair barrettes & flowers.

At least I have a bit of a plan.

Yesterday I did my first try of the MB Crunch time DVDs. I did the Tight Toned & Terrific.

Bloody hell. It sure does give you a work-out. I hate to think what the Super Shredder Cardio workout is like. *shudder*

I didn't have any hand weights so I used my Point One milk cartons to do my bicep exercises.

This arvo I am going to buy a yoga matt because my slightly ripped (thank you staffy dogs) beach towel just didn't cut the mustard & kept slipping around and didn't offer any support for my svelte feminine wrists when doing pushups.



Last night we were supposed to have the Stuffed Tomatoes with Feta Currants & Mint.
Stuff that fancy schamcy Master Chef bizzo. I just chucked it all into a pan using exactly the same ingredients & quantities & cooked it up & added the rice. It was yummy. TBF gave it an 8/10.

We then proceeded to torture ourselves by watching Heston Blumenthal on SBS.

Last night's episode was all about him cooking with cheese. OMFG.

He made Cheese on toast ICECREAM. YES CHEESE ICECREAM.

TBF & I just sat there absent-mindedly wiping the dripping drool from our chins while softly chanting "Oooo cheeeeeeese Mmmmmmmm".

http://www.channel4.com/4food/recipes/chefs/heston-blumenthal/cheese-on-toast-ice-cream-recipe

If you are on any sort of healthy eating plan do not.. I repeat DO NOT watch Heston.

Next week is all cooking with potatoes with his Triple cooked chips.

Oh Mr Blumenthal I love you but I hate you too.

YUMMY 12WBT MEALS

Samm's Chinese Chicken Dumplings

Vegetarian Pizza

Boiled Egg with Smoked Salmon on Toast

Always Do Whatever's Next - George Carlin

I've had a good week & a not so good week so far this week.
MONDAY. Good day I hit the gym & burnt 584 calories doing the totally bonkers cardio set. It involved not only running/jogging/walking but running/jogging/walking UP HILL. It ended up running/jogging/walking/dryretching/wheezing. I couldn't manage the whole thing.
By the end I looked like a cat that had been put through the washer!

TUESDAY: Toning Day. I kinda like toning day & doing the weights. I'd rather do that than cardio.
The young buff caucasion Jersey Shore lads with their Southern Cross tatoos Ed Hardy singlets & bulging pecks eyed me with curiousity as I entered their 'domain'. I think they were quite amused by my steely look of determination as I busted out the reps lifting a massive 15kg. The killer though was the Step-Ups. This exercise is supposed to give me Buns Of Steel! You get one of those steps that they use in step classes (a class I only ever did ONCE. I fell off the step & spent the whole class looking like the most unco freak in the cosmos. The shame & humilation was terrible). Then you do 15 step ups per leg while holding 2kg weights... then you do 12 step ups holding 4kg weights... then you do 10 holding 6kgs and finally you do 15 with the 2kg again. I mean seriously how difficult and hard can that be. I walk up & down the steps at work about 50 times a day to go to the loo (thank you 1.5lites of water a day).
Nup. The simple act of stepping up onto a slightly raised platform had the sweat pouring into my eyes streaking my Mabelline Great Lash!
By the end my arse cheeks were screaming very unladylike language at me.
Then... the football club next door decided to torture me just a bit more on the way out by cooking what smelt like someone was holding the world record for the biggest amount of bacon being cooked on a barbie. The smell was devine and so so cruel.
I was like Homer Simpson..... Bacon....droooool.

YESTERDAY (WEDNESDAY) Spin class day.
I just could not be arsed.
I was so tired & all I wanted to do was go home to my big hulking furry faced husband.
It's such a bummer being completely in wuv with your husband. All I can think about is getting home from the gym to his big face and smile. I would seriously be doing SO much better on this 12wbt if my husband was off down at the local TAB with the punters then hitting the pub with his bogan mates drinkin' schooners of the Very Best talking about carbies and Britt Ekland's tits.
But OH NO.. not my man.
He would rather be at home waiting patiently, watching re-runs of Mash and then greeting me at the door with a big hug & spewing forth praise onto me about how good I am doing.
BASTARD.
xoxoxoxo
NOTE: I have not discussed my weigh-in this week. My weight has stayed the same. Stoopid kilos.

“Fashion changes, but style endures.” - Coco Chanel

Today I thought I would introduce you to the reason why I am here doing the 12wbt.
The reason why I drive home every afternoon in peak hour traffic to jog to nowhere on a treadmill.
The reason why I taunt myself when I have to do those bloody AWFUL burpees and MAC push-ups "C'morn Vick just one more matey C'mornnnnnn"
The reason I no longer eat the same amount of food as my husband who has the build of a silver-back gorilla on steriods.
The reason why at work I now put my hand up into the face of my work collegue when offered those decadent tasty treats that come in the shape of licorice allsorts and delicious home-made pastries.
The reason why I actually let myself be seen not only ala-naturale in public but also when I am sweating & grunting like a hog in heat in summer.
Is this the reason?
So I FEEL healthier?
So I FEEL more energetic?
Well partly. The main reason (as I described in my very first post) is:
CLOTHES.
I LOVE CLOTHES.
I'm not a shoe & handbag gal.
IT'S ALL ABOUT THE CLOTHES.
VINTAGE 1940s & 1950s clothes.
I am obviously some sort of masochist because I continue to log onto Etsy & torture myself with the lovely visions of silk rayon frocks from the forties, squaw patio dresses from the 1950s, cute blouses, high waisted vintage jeans, sequinned cardigans, my favourite The Pendelton Jacket and my holy grail.... the 1940s Mexican Jacket. So many beautiful amazingly stylish chic gorgeous things.
Always TOO SMALL.
*shakes my fist at the computer screen & sobs quietly into my filtered water with a slice of lemon*
Over the years I have sold off alot of my vintage clothes simply because I could hear them whimpering & whispering to eachother in the night. "She never wears me anymore.""What did we ever do to her?""She spilt wine on me one night"."Those were the good ole days""It's because she's fat now"."Shhhhhh here she comes......"
The sight of my treasures just made me feel sad so I got rid of them.
But not these little fellas pictured below....... These are my goal outfits.
To some of you you might think ... Errrrrggh what the heck . They look like something out of an old Fossey's catalouge but they aren't.
The blouses are Avanti 1940s reproduction silk rayon Tea-Timers. blah blah blah.
I have NEVER worn them. I bought them about 7 years ago.They cost me quite a bit of dosh (divorce settlement money cha-ching).
I've never seen them for sale since.
The other is a LBD original 1950s. The first & only time I have worn it was on New Years Eve 2001.
It is so lovely on. A real classic beautiful frock.

So YES I know that by doing this 12wbt I am becoming healthier, fitter & my cardiovasular and immune system will just love me and that is grouse but.....

It's the feel of that silk rayon on my skin that is the real cincher for me :)

I might just pop on Etsy again & add just a few more things onto Favourites.

For when I hit goal weight ... of course.

xoxoxoxoxoxoo

WICKED WEDNESDAY WEIGH-IN

Well paint me green & call me a pickle!
I lost 700g this week which brings me down to 86.5kg.
WORD UP YAWL!!!! (I is so gangsta blud)
Needless to say when I saw that number this morning I stood there gawping like a giant sea cod in a boat for about 1 minute. WHAA????
Happy Happy Nudey Dance today.

My graph is going down like a nun's knickers. Unreal.
I didn't go to the gym yesterday as TBF & I had an appointment with the IVF clinic (that's a whole other blog in the making) and it didn't finish up until late.
I'm off to Spin class tonight to burn it up.
Mentally, I'm feeling alot better today. My Mojo picked itself up off the lounge, brushed the cat fur off itself, gave itself an upper-cut & got back to work.
The vegetarian menu is still pretty good. Last night we had Chickpea Rissoles & Salad. Even though the rissoles looked alot like hardend baby poo they were quite delicious. The dressing was Greek Yogurt with a tablespoon of tahini which was surprisingly tasty.

Since I am totally like dedicated now to becoming an awesomely hawt totally toned dame I have signed up to do Round Two of MB12WBT which officially BEGINS on June 4th

BUT... Mish has a few weeks of WARM-UP tasks you have to do to get in da moooood.

WARM-UP CHALLENGE #1:  Make One Small Change

This week I want you to make ONE small change to how you eat and exercise.
Make your change something specific and achievable.

 It doesn't have to be a game changer, choose something you can manage.

I've already sworn off the evil turps so I have now turned my glaring squinty eyes onto Expresso Coffee.
A coffee shop opened about 6 months ago literally right next door to my work. I am almost convinced they put some sort of meth amphetamine into their brew. It is so good & so addictive. They have the shirt and tie brigade lined up down the road for a sip of the magical brown potion. It's like that scene in the movie LA Story:   "I'll have a half double decaffeinated half-caf, with a twist of lemon".
Lately though I have found that I feel really quite crook after my LSF1 (I learnt their barrista code system, to save time at the lineup) Large Skinny Flat White with One Sugar. And felt as jumpy as a virgin at a prison rodeo. So it's so long to my coffee shop coffees. I'm not totally giving up coffee though. I'm still going to have my cups of top shelf Nescafe Blend 43 with Trim Milk & one Sugar.
I'm just givin' up Da Hard Stoof.
No I will never give up chocolate..... ever...... ever.........