Let the Bodies Hit the Floooooooorrrrr!

Last night was crazy SPIN class night.
Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your view) the usual bionic lady PT was away. She was replaced by Intense Serious PT lady.
Just when I thought that there was NO way this class could ever get any harder ISPT made it so.
She introduced a new form of torture where you only lift your arse off the seat a little bit & then peddle like the billy-os. This move introduced my buttocks to a fresh sensation of agony.
I wasnt' a fan of her class. Not just because of the crazy torture-porn type of exercise or her lack of personality or the fact that she insisted on stopping & having us so yoga stretches through-out.
My main gripe was THE MUSIC.
Now I understand that when a rockabilly swing punk ska chick goes to the local modern contemporary gymnasium she cannot expect them to be cranking out the Brian Setzer, Dead Kennedys or Louis Prima.
I expect in a spin class to be subjected to pumped up hard-core thumpy race tracks & techo remixes of the currant spawn of shit that is currently popular on itunes.
This went beyond all of that ear horror. This time my gagging wasn't caused by lactic acid build up in my guts, it was caused by being subjected to the most vomit inducing music I've heard.
Alannah Myles "Black Velvet"
Simon and Garfunkel "Sounds of Silence"
ACDC "Back in Black"
these were just THREE of the songs that had been cut, remixed, resliced, auto-tuned, hip-hopped & technotroniced into the most dreadful sound that could make your ears bleed.
It just cemented my view that when it comes to WORKING OUT. The proper music is ESSENTIAL.
I simply could not muster up any gusto so I kind of apathetically kept cycling.

I still did a rippa of a work-out & burnt 446 calories but at the end of the class I was lack-lustre & couldn't wait to get into the safety cocoon of my car & clean my ear-holes out with some nice clean Bad Manners, Meteors & Nat King Cole.
I've found that I definately exercise (especially when it comes to running) more efficiently with "angry-rip-your-balls-off-with-my-teeth-screw-you-bastard hard core" rock and roll.
Below is my playlist for running.
If you have any other suggestions PLEASE let me know them.
We're Gunna Rock This Town!!!!!!!!
xoxoxoxox

Middle Age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

Today is weigh-in day. Cue ominous music.
I perched my nudey self onto the scales & squinted down at the numbers.
88.9
I stayed the same.
HOWEVER.............
Technically I have actually lost about 1/2 a kilo to a full kilo.
As I stated yesterday when that old cow Aunty Flo does her monthly visit I traditionally gain about a kilo. My ovaries and uterus must fill up with some sort of heavy gelatinous substance for about 4 days which then miraculously vanishes like a ninja in the night.
So what that means is the mystery monthly baggage did not arrive this time. I did not gain.
By the scientific laws of biology, metaphysically I have actually LOST about a kilo if you think about it.
The fact that it is not actually appearing on the scales means nothing.
Hmmmm good job Vickster *dusts hands*
------------------------------------------------------

One of the things I have noticed since starting this 12wbt journey is:
I'm starting to feel my age.
Mentally I still haven't matured past 7th grade where I still laugh at farts, Australia's Funniest Home Videos of elderley ladies falling off trampolines and say things like "I know I am but what are you? Nerrr".
But physically, bizarre things are happening to me.
I've never been one to mutter my age when asked. I proudly announce "I'm FORTY in October! Yep the big FOUR OH. Twenty plus Twenty. FOUR ZERO."
Up until recently I hadn't really noticed my body changing.  I mean the usual things had changed.
I've starting checking the fibre content of my breakfast cereals, I love a noice cup of Earl Grey (loose leaf of course) tea after dinner on a FRIDAY night and I am excited about manchester sales.
I've always been very lucky with my skin. I inheritated my grandmother's lovely skin & so I've never really had pimples. Nanny swore by Oil of Ulan (& didn't she kick up a stink when they changed the name).
Lately though it's all started to go pear shaped.. and I don't mean my arse.
The other night I was sitting on the couch & I thought I had something on my neck. I went to pick it off but I found that it was not a stray piece of rice from my salmon stir-fry.. "What the hell is THAT!?"
I ran to the bathroom mirror. Skin Tags. What the hell?! If you don't know what they are then you are obviously not old enough. They are bits of random skin that decide 'fuck this being all nice & flat on the body I'm gunna stand up". O-M-G. Rank.
Then there is the mutant hair. I have one stray hair that grows under my chin in my sleep. I will awake and overnight this hideous tendril has suddenly grown 5 cm & is waving to me in the mirror as if to say "You can try & fight your hormones but you are losing! See that shimmer on the horizon that's menapause baby!"
Of course I am getting the facial wrinkles or "Laugh Lines" are some poor schmucks like to call them. Thank God for Photobucket editing. I refuse to bow to the corporate beauty giants & hand over hundreds of dollars for the placenta of dead eels with bionauticalishis ectoplasmic hydofluckies. I stick to Dermaveen soap wash, Oil of Ulan during the day & Primrose Oil at night.
The big thing I have noticed these past 3 weeks is my knees.
I was walking down the back steps at work when I heard this weird noise. "Geez these stairs are creaky" I thought. Fast forward to the gym. I was geared up to do my favourite exercise (NOT!) Lunges.
I heard it again. "It must be my shoes!" Then it hit me.
That crunchy noise that sounded like somebody squishing up a bag of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes was ...
MY KNEES!
It is the most hideous sound.
So now in addition to the natural fertility teas I am on, the multi-vitamens, the olive leaf extract, the calcium tablets & the omega 3 fish oil ... I am now on the Glucosamine tablets as well. *face palm*
God... what's next?!
I could go on & on & on but it's time for me to have a Bex and a lie down.
xoxoxoxo

That's not Sweat. It's my Body Crying.

Saturday was my second SSS (Sixty Second Screamer) Saturday. Basically it is a circuit of a mix of weights & cardio. You jump on say the Chest Press machine & for the next 60 seconds you blast out as many reps as you can before your heart & lungs implode and you scream in agony.

I have to do 3 circuits. So off I trundled to the gym. This time I didn't so much skip as amble through the front doors. Last week's horror was still fresh in my mind.

I must say, I started off full of verve with thoughts like "Vickster you are totally kickin' it baby! Lean & Mean Baby Lean & Mean!" My first circuit had me firing on all cylinders & full of enthusiasm.

Half way around circuit two something happened.

I do not actually BURP half way through. This is short for BURPEES.

I'm not sure if my blood sugar dropped like a dodgy elevator or if my girlie bits suddenly realised that Sunday is TTOM (That Time of The Month) but my energy levels went from 8 to about a 4.

I was flaggin'. My face started to contort like a dog eating a nettle.

Every push of the press or pull of the bar, every lift of the weight & every jump of the leg I struggled.

Man oh man I was suddenly so very tired.

But, I pushed through. I uped the weights but slowed down on the reps. Instead of doing step ups on a two-tiered step I bought it down to one step.

It didn't help that I had forgotten my ipod & so had to suffer the ear cancer that is Nova FM that was cranked over the speakers playing the latest hits with a bullet (or something). I'm sorry but Adele, even though her voice is lovely, does not get my pulse racing & push me through the pain of doing shitful Mountain Climber moves. And what is that god-awful song I'm Sexy and I know It.  Vomit.

About 4 moves into circuit 3 I thought "Stuff this I'm going home" BUT...... I didn't quit.

I pushed through.

Even when the elderley man on the lat pull-down asked me if I was ok.

Once again my face was bright red & I looked like I was going to have a brain embolism.

"Stick it up ya bum you fit old bastard" is what I thought but instead I chirperly said "Oh I go bright red & my eyes glaze over like this ALL the time. Nothing to worry about!Thanks mate"

I only burnt seven hundred and something calories but I reckon that's still pretty bloody good.

Sure enough TTOM arrived on Sunday which has meant that for the last 2 days it has felt like my reproductive organs are being grated with an a cheese grater. I didn't exercise on Sunday (Mish says no) & I didn't do any on Monday due to some family stuff I had to do.

Today I am meant to be doing weights but because I missed out yesterday I am going to do cardio.

I don't have high hopes for tomorrow's weigh in because when Aunty Flo comes to visit she normally brings with her at least 1 kilo of bloatiness & water retension. Bitch.

We'll see though.

Fingers crossed.

I'm Sexy and I Know It...... NOT.

You have to sweat like a Pig and work like a Horse to look like a Fox

Well. Wednesday night's spin class was everything I expected and more. It had the works.
Sweat. Swearing. Excruciating pain.And dry retching. Brilliant.
I was determined to crack the 400 calories burnt. I'm not sure where is new freakazoid exercise Vicki has come from. She's a wee bit wacky.
I jumped onto my deadly-treadly & pressed START on my fancy heart rate monitor watch. I did a quick look around the room to make sure people saw me so they know that I am SERIOUS about my exercise.
Yep people. I am monitoring my heart rate so I burn optimum calories. Yep I am a serious athlete now.
Alas the other 15 people were too busy adjusting their seats & getting their triathelete taunt bodies into position and adjusting their SKINS to notice the blonde frump up the back.
Then the Million Dollar Lady Woman PT came in. And announced
"OK Vicki we are going to crack that 400 today!!!".
"Yess ma'mm" I muttered.
And so began 45 minutes of insanity. We did this track called The Pain Killer. This was when I seriously thought I was gunna chunder all over myself. It is bullshit hard. It involves having your bike on a really hard gear, pedalling like a T-Rex with rabies is chasing you, sitting/pedalling for 8 counts then stand & pedal like a mo-fo for 8 counts. The muscles in your quads go totally spare.
Anyway, the last track FINALLY came & PT lady says those magical words
"Time to cool-down".
Through bleery glazed eyes I glimpse at my watch. .... 390 calories.
My hand darts up "MISS !!!MISSS !!! I'VE ONLY GOT 10 CALORIES TO GO!"
"Right!!!" She screams "Everybody. Gears back on and sprint for 1 minute so Vicki can get to 400!"
Everybody (Including me) starts peddling like the clappers.
Everybody starts yelling "GO VICKI GO VICKI"
I keep looking at my watch.
5 TO GO
4 TO GO
3 TO GO
2 TO GO
1 TO GO.....
400 CALORIES!!!!!!!!

Everybody cheering & woohooed at me.
I meekly smiled while the lactic acid in my guts threatened to explode out of my mouth into their proud faces.
"EErrg" I gagged " I think I'm going to spew".
To this the class cheered and screamed "BRILLIANT!!" ??????
Apparantly wanting to blow chunks during this class is some sort of honour. Like one of those American college fraternity rites of passage things like chugging a whole keg of beer while shaving an eyebrow off.
Afterwards people were walking past me and literally patting me on the back & saying "Well done on the 400 calories"."You nearly hurled Well Done". "See ya next week!".
It's like I have passed some sort of initiation ceremony.
Bionic Woman PT came up to me .
"You did great Vicki.... So next week we'll hit the 420 eh?" *smirk*
I quickly pretended to feel faint & ran away and hid in the toilets.
xooxoxxoxoxo

BREAKFAST BERRY SMOOTHIE

You might remember me from such self-help videos as "Smoke Yourself Thin", and "Get Confident, Stupid." Troy McClure

Just a quickie this arvo to do my Weekly Weigh-In Report.

This week I lost 500g which brings my total weight loss to 1.3kg in 10 days.

My little 'ticker' graph thingy on the right must round down to the the nearest kilo as I can't for the life of me get to to say 1.3kg. Stupid graphy thing... pout.

After I did my morning wee & got my kit off I tip-toed onto the scales.

88.9kg!

I ran around the room starkers high-fiving bits of furniture while yelling "YES" "YES" "BOOYARR".

I hope I continue on this downward drop at the same rate.

I'd be happy to lose about 6-10 kilos in the 12 weeks.

It would be just my luck that it will all come off my calves & forearms & my giant bazoongas will stay the same. This is what TBF is hoping.

Tonight I have the killer spin class with the Bionic Woman instructor. She's told me that now that she knows I am doing the 12wbt she is going to be watching me (with her bionic x-ray vision no doubt) & making sure that I am exercising to maximum capacity.

Awesome (insert sarcastic font).

I've figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of traveling acrobats.-Homer Simpson

Sunday saw TBF & I head up the mountain (Tamborine Mountain) to attend the Garterbelts and Gasoline Soap Box Derby meet. While the lads stood around in the heat & blistering sun talking about pistons & steering wheels, we fair haired maidens quickly bustled ourselves into the shade of the bistro area.
Now Sunday is the 12wbt exercise rest day. Thank goodness. I could feel my buttocks expand as they untensed themselves and relaxed onto the seat knowing that for one day they would not be put through gruelling torture. Sweet!
Problemo number one: I was fangin' for a skinny flat white & was abruptly told by the cashier that they only have full-cream. "Well I'll just have to do 5 spins classes this arvo har har har" was met with clanging silence and the sound of chirping crickets.
"Fine. Fullcream it is" I muttered. "Probably bloody 500 calories mutter mutter grumble grumble". But dammit I had to have coffee!!!
Problemo number two: This was to be my first "EATING OUT" situation on the 12wbt.
My lunch was supposed to be a home-made steak sandwich with a piece of steak cut wafer thin (said with French accent) on 2 pieces of super fibre bread so you can be assured that within 5 hours it would be flushed away anyway.
I perused the menu. Chicken Caeser? Mega Bowl of Fries with Aioli?
The Wagu Beef Burger certainly SOUNDED alot like my steak sandwich.
When I got it I did something that just proves that I am a changed woman. That I have super human willpower. I took ALL the delicious smelling drool-worthy fries off my plate & dumped that pile of atheroscleriosis onto TBF's plate and ALSO removed the bacon (dear sweat salty bacon) off my burger and plopped it onto the fries.
I thought "If I squish this down really hard with the palm of my hand it will be flat & be JUST LIKE what I am supposed to eat!". However, I sensed my friend's eyes on me & left it as is.

Problemo Number Three:  BEER. It was a hot day. Humid. Sticky. Yucky. Flies everywhere. Steamy. Blerky HOT. Sweaty. (I HATE sweating)
We were at A BREWERY! A BREWERY PEOPLE! For the love of God!
All around us were people sipping on icey icey cold glasses of cool cool beer.
One of TBF's eyes started to turn in & I had developed a tick over my eye as I watched our friend sip at his lager and after each sip let out a statisfied "Arrrrrrrrr".
'RIGHT' I exclaimed "THAT'S IT!"
We compromised and got a $10 taster. You get 4 different beers to try. Each about the equivalent of about 1/4 of a pot of beer. Like we were savouring the nector of the Gods themselves we sipped that liquid gold shuddering with delight at every taste. Droooool. MMmmmm Beeerrrr.

It was worth it.
I think I did pretty bloody good. I didn't even have sorbet while everyone else did. I'm a freakin' saint.
Later that afternoon I thought about going for a walk ...........anyway.......
I thought about it.
Then I thought "Bugger that". Mish has INSTRUCTED me NOT to exercise today.
I can't let her down.

SSS (Sweat, Swearing, Suffering)

Friday afternoon I did something bizarre. Instead of my usual stop at my second boyfriend's place (Dan Murphy's) I went & did my Week Two food shopping. Then I went home & did my Core Strength exercises. It's official. I have no core. I am coreless. The core nazi said "NO CORE FOR YOU".
I'm surprised that I can remain vertical at all without going limp like half deflated creepy air dancer thing.
The side planks were a joke. I'm sure that over the next 12 weeks I will get stronger.
**************
Saturday was what Mish calls the SSS. The Sixty Second Screamer.
Basically the you do a circuit (3 times) of a mix of cardio & resistance training with the object being that you burn 1000 calories!!!!
Off I skipped to the gym. "This is gunna be brilliant!" I foolishly thought.
Doing the full circuit 3 times took me 1 1/2 hours. At around the 45 minute mark I thought I was going to spew and was thanking the lawd that there was only about 4 other people in the gym because I was starting to speak in tounges. At 1 hour I cursed Mz Bridges & decided that the SSS should actually stand for Sweat, Swearing & Suffering. At one point a man came up to be when I was doing the worst exercise I have EVER experienced... even worse than spin.... BURPEES. They suck arse.... Anyway this bloke came up & said "Are you OK? You're working bloody hard!". I wiped the drool from my chin & muttered something like " Fgiingnsoog fuckin hot woduhla SSS Thanks". I took a glimpse of myself in the gym mirror.
HOLY CRAP ON A STICK!
I was as red as a lobster, my hair was plastered to my head, my mascara had run down my cheeks & I had that weird vibraty shaky thing happening in my muscles. I could have been the poster child for the next George Romero zombie flick.
After 1 1/2 hours I blustered "THANK GOD!" & collapsed onto the stretching mats huffing & panting.
Surely I must have burnt at least 50 billion calories!!
I brought my shaky wrist up to my eyes & tried to focus on the the heart rate/calorie monitor.

755 calories.
755 calories
ONLY 755 FUCKING CALORIES.
What the hell!?
It was at that point the Amy the super human PT bounded up to me. "If you want to get up to 1000 feel free to join me in the Spin room where a group of us a training to ride to the Netherlands and back in a day".
 (or something like that).
I think that the look on my face must have spoken volumes because I didn't speak and she quickly backed away mumbling "Maybe not then........."
In the car I blasted the freezing aircon into my head that felt like it was going to explode from heat like that guy in Scanners. The cold shower when I got home was heaven!
It took until the next morning for the redness to leave my face.
HOWEVER after my shower... I felt great. The endolphins came out to play.

I then set about baking this week's Banana Bread. Now TBF don't have an oven. We have one of those little bench top things that can fit one small meat pie so this was going to be interesting.
Funnily enough they turned out bloody great. I'm not sure why the recipe called for me to make enough Banana Bread to feed 2 families when I only need 3 slices for my week though????
I did devour one piece still warm from the oven & it was fantastic!
I cooked up my Saturday night "Treat Meal" (every Sat night you can eat whatever you want.. I don't think it means a Family Size Meat Lovers with extra Cheesy Crust though BUGGER).
I did lean mince with Organic Tomato Pasta sauce on Organic Corn Chips with a bit of low-fat cheese.
Yummmmm.
Then I went to bed & lapsed into a exercise induced coma.



I did NOT photoshop the redness. It had actually gone DOWN a bit when I took this!!